'Sup Webby,
Well I ain't gonna front son, u the best m8 I've ever had and you know this! I've told you enough times! Lol! But to be honest with you I'm pretty damn offended by the fact you feel you can sum up our 5yr friendship in 1/2 a page! That's fucked up! Just like your handwriting - lol!
Thinking about it, no matter how much you wrote, some of your scrawl would have been undecipherable! Lol! Nah, homie I'm messin'! Everyone has ripped in you enough 'bout your writing over the years, in the same way they've ripped into you 'bout your Rockports - what the fuck have you actually done to the soles? They're more slanted than Miss Harley's barely visible eyebrows, when her eye's poppin' out her head, her shoulders are higher than her neck and the Quasimodo bitch is screaming and cursing, whilst looking like she's lickin' piss off a thistle on one side of her mouth and chewing a wasp soaked in lemon juice on the other! Lol! Anyways you already know my verdict on your rocky's - it's neither here nor there - just another step along our friendship. Shiiit it's what's on the inside that counts - good job for you innit cause you one ugly ass motherfucker! Lol! Good job you the cleverest bastard I know, else you'd genuinely be screwed in life - no good looks to get you through, no charm to get you through - without your IQ you'd be ranked with Gaz John - shiiit! Lol! I am one good motherfucking comedian! Lol! In fact I'm just brilliant full stop - modesty is the only quality I lack. If you got it, flaunt it! That's why I'm considering becoming a stripper (well I am black - what can I say?) Lol! But God damn the lord knows I ain't got 18"'s! Lol! (Probs cause I am the lord so I should know!) Lol! (Remember in English when Quasimodo Harley's supply was calling' me God cause I told her that's what I preferred being called?! Lol!). Do you agree? Cause if you do then I really am God - cause I've come to accept now that you are always right (sorry for doubting you before!) - we all know Nelly ain't got a higher IQ than you although he is rough - you're the hardest tackler I know in footy! Lol! And you've shared loads of your knowledge with us, cause lets be honest, me and you never shut the fuck up - cause we don't get jaw ache - unlike someone I've heard about! Enough about that for now though lol!
Miss McIntyre and Miss Silby were the 2 main teachers who'd tell us shut up. Remember when Miss Silby used to call us Mouth 1 and Mouth 2? Lol! I don't mind Miss Silby though cause she was the best teacher I've ever had (and fit too with her see-in shirt ha!) - but like so many others she left us. Let's try and recollect what teachers have left or dropped our set; Miss Silby, Mr Logan, Miss Ozard, Miss Kidd-Smithers, Mr Averill, Miss Bloore, Mr Howes (why doesn't he just retire again?), Miss Thenot, Miss Tazibit, Miss Heath, Miss Harley (fucking illness to get out of teaching us!), and no doubt there are others I've forgot! Fucking insanity or what? And also I've had 4 different form tutors in 5 years! Ever thought it was just me scaring them away? Lol!
Anyways, I'm gonna go through everything chronologically from here on it (well the order I remember it happening anyway) though I may stray off a bit at times!
First off while we're on the subject of teachers, let's take a minute to remember French back when we had Miss Bailey. Remember when her bra was falling off and she said it's because she's got nothing to fill it with? Lol! That's mental but funny innit! Lol! And remember when I wrote "bin" on the wall with an arrow pointing down to where we used to stash all our wrappers off our munchies! Lol! And I don't know if you'll remember this but remember when Raisa came in that lil skirt and I lifted it up? Lol! Whilst I'm talking about Raisa and teachers, it seems appropriate to mention Miss Bloore! On that day she was giving me shit and I just flipped and swore at her, that was the day I walked home and went with Raisa. Remember when we protested against her but Sankey made us go in? He's a right knob isn't he!? But nothing to do with Miss Bloore is funnier than when Bostock was storming out the room and she was tryna block the doorway and Bostock yanked the door open knockin' Miss Bloore backwards and she landed sitting in the bin nearly in tears! Now that's a fuckin pisser! HAHAHA!
Remember when I used to let Frosty punch me in the stomach - I am quite fucking insane when you think about it aren't I? Though Frosty's punch had nothing on Po's - he nearly killed some people! Like making Trev hurl up, and Frosty nearly die. I stayed standing! Lol! It was about that time when I hit Gaz on his big egg shaped, bald patch ridden head with your Scooby ruler and left that big strip down the middle of his head, and he said he couldn't hear properly! If I remember right it was Mr Sankey who interfered then as well! He cost me for it, and Gaz was crying running off down the main drive! We've proper ripped in Gaz bear times. Like especially when he shit himself in music, and Miss Bailey said she felt sorry for him cause he was dusting across the car park and she said she'd bet that it was runnin' down his legs! Lol! And don't get me started about his suicide attempts! Suffocating himself with a bag with a hole in it, and trying to hang himself by jumping off the top bunk with his light cord wrapped around his throat and hitting the floor! He really needs therapy cause he has got some issues ain't he!? Lol! I don't need to be a psychologist to notice that!
Whilst I'm rippin' into people let's take a second to remember all the funny things that have happened to people! Picture the scene... CJ is running along playing hockey happily, Steve appears in possession of the puck (well I think it was actually a ball) then BAM it smacks CJ in the mouth and chips his tooth snapping it in 1/2!!! Lol! Or when Keiron Beardmore was outside the History rooms looking like a fat queer (what's new) and Dobo slammed him into the window and it just cracked all over it - that was fucked lol! Or when we were all diggin' him on the basketball yard and I stamped on his ribs and bust 'em! Lol! Now that's funny! Or when he "Stone Cold Stunnered" Bostock and got twatted in the face! Or when he got his Final Fantasy VIII nicked - oh wait, he still has! Or when he got his American Pie 2 video nicked - oh wait, he still has! Cause I've got it at home! Like he actually leant it to me! You're the only other person who's lent me stuff like Manhunt, Final Fantasy X, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy VII, Barry Trotter book, Gameboy game, MGS2 (though it was shit!)! And probs plenty more stuff! And Mouldy's lent me Final Fantasy IX before, and he's given me Super Mario 64! He's sound most of the time! Even if he is yellow like a Simpson! And if he lies about going out with Steph Hand - she still denies it last time I heard! If only he could see her deny it - maybe that would shut him up! Oh wait, he can't see can he? After all he is 8% blind ain't he? Cause normally when you get hit in the cheekbone it blinds you doesn't it? Now when Kuda twatted a shuttlecock in my eye for real from point blank range and my pupil dilated till it was barely visible - that should have blinded me by rights! Yet it didn't! It just fucking knackered! Lol! Like when Mr Varney twatted that yellow indoor casey into my face and I was like KO'd - not that's a pisser! P.E. was always funny when we had Varney, wasn't it? Like having a pummelling from golf-ball sized hailstones whilst in shorts and t-shirts, whilst he stands in his big coat, his woolly hat and scarf, and says defiantly: "Well I had to do these kind of exercises when I was training for the marines" - I was thinking probably the same as everyone else - Shiiit we ain't training for the Marines! We're doing our school P.E. lesson!! Lol! And finally we come to the fattest motherfucker (other than Miss Pearson) - Paul Handley - what a stupid, ugly, fat, spotty, queer, dick-riding, cheeky bastard! He deserved to get socked and butted by Dobo - and deserved a bigger beating than I did give him - alright, so I made him cry - but I should have made him bleed! How could you think I'd bottle it? It's me! Lol!
Anyway, back to what I was saying. Chronological order...
Let's go way back to one of the first memories I have (other than fancying Emma Woodcock after Chasewater - after I'd called her a "stupid, bosted, bog-eyed camel") and that's France. Now France was good in itself, yet it started one of the most fucked up parts of my life! Steph! Lol! Remember when we kept turning out the lights and attacking Des Mayer and Ben Davies to the extent they left and went into Phyllis and Simon Brownsword (Simple Simon)! Ha! And me and you were hallucinating when we were looking outside and were convinced we could see things moving in the shadows! Brett Lovatt and Andrew Walters tried sneak that vodka (Vodka? Vot Vodka?!) onto the coach and got clocked! And Angela Shawharvey tore that 2x4 off the bed and tried beat me with it because I called her a goff! And I shut myself in the toilet/bathroom with my suitcase and refused to come out! You went lean against the wall and fell in the alcove! Lol! She was fucking insane for real! Lol! And Mr Averill suddenly became EVIL... them Hayward lads were winding him up, then he just screamed at them: "YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ME! I'M EVIL!" Lol! And they wrote EVIL 666 on his door in toothpaste! And well, the most fucked up period of my life began... yep, I'm referring to Steph Hand. Me and you both fancied her and me and you both argued over her claiming we both saw her first! Soz if I made you feel bad by going with her, but I was infatuated with her! (All 5 times I went out with her!) The entirety of the trip I spent with or thinking about Steph!!! Then that night you told me if I woke up in the morning and couldn't move, it'd be because I was paralysed because you were gonna attack me out of jealousy with a 2x4. Then the next morning I was paralysed, and since that day I've been in this godforsaken wheelchair! Jokes. No, instead I woke up, got outta bed rubbing my eyes half asleep - went out the room, closed the door behind me not realising some toothpaste was on the door handle courtesy of the Hayward lads, continued to rub my eyes in tiredness. Someone said to me: "Are you wearing white mascara?" I was like, no? Rubbed my eyes and in the process got toothpaste in my eye - god damn that fucking hurt! I thought I was going blind like when Mark Ferneo stamped on my head after I socked him in the jaw! All I could see was blood! I thought you had put toothpaste in my eye cause of Steph! Soz about that, you my boy, I know you wouldn't stoop that low!
All I can say is that I'm glad you weren't subjected to the farce I was over Steph! At a few times I thought it was love but what the fuck?! I was wrong! Wasn't I just - cause I really love Beki Copeland! God damn, she's so damn fine and has the greatest personality of every girl I know! I should have taken your advice when you said I would be stupid to not go out with her - now I just feel like the biggest fool on Earth! She means the world to me now and I spilt my heart to her. She knows everything there is to know about me (save a few minor details) and I know her like the back of my hand. You know how much I like her (after all you did see me crying like a bitch the other day when she told me she had been accepted to go live in Australia). If she goes, I'm gonna be lost and I've told her so many times! Anyway, thanks for being there for me the other day - I know it's hard to know what to say, but just having you there offering your support was more helpful than any words you could have said. Nelly has no idea how stupid I think he is for leavin' Bex cause she is amazing (not that Bex Crane ain't but if I had the choice I'd choose Beki Copeland any day now). Thanks for being there for me through that - that shows what a great friend you are. If she leaves though - it'll be a wounder!
I remember when I used to fancy Sophie Coster too after Ilam. Remember Ilam? It was way back in about Y8/Y9. We had Rob Lowe in our dorm and he showed you how he could do that thing with his stomach! Lol! That is freaky ain't it! Lol! I got kicked outta a fair few lessons like when that Yankee dyke fucking spanner from Holden Lane "claimed" I was mocking him when I was telling Sophie she had a nice arse - and I was forced to sit in the freezing cold and by the time I was allowed back inside, I had numb balls! Lol! I remember Miss Bowdler and Mr Boulton being dickheads believing that Yank and I got bollocked for it! Now that's fucking snidey! But funny!
Remember the Faraday Lecture when we were sitting on the coach ready to go and someone (I think it was Gary Rogers) threw a brick through the window and hit one of the Endon pupils in the face and they were bleeding? Lol! HAHAHAHA! Now that's funny! And when, if you can remember it that well, whilst we were there we zipped your hood up your face and held it there - what sort of hoody has a zip up the face anyway!? That's just retarded! Lol!
Then there's that time I stood in for you at Basketball cause you weren't in (I think you were on holiday) and I played like 1/2 a game, slipped and acquired a 'crush break bone fracture' on my right wrist! I had to go and have my bone repositioned under general anaesthetic at the Adult Day Care Centre! Lol! And remember that time I broke my wrist fallin' out the tree and you wrote in my book to inform Miss Lockett to excuse my handwriting but I could've wrote it more legible with my broken wrist! Lol! Honestly though, it probably hurt just as much when I elbowed that gym window through - I didn't even break my arm that time, but God it fuckin knackered! My elbow was pissing of blood! Lol! Someone was trying talk to the girls inside the gym, and I said they couldn't hear so I said: "If you want them hear you - you'll have to break the window" and they said: "How'd you do that then?" and me unintentionally (I didn't actually mean to make contact) imitated elbowing the window - hit it and smashed it - God you should've seen everyone's faces! Ha! What a picture! That's just made me remember when Mr Sankey opened that door and twatted Chris Brown in his head with it! He had like an epileptic style fit on the corridor floor! Convulsing and all - I was pissing myself! Never did like the dick-spaz anyway! What a gooft, ugly nob cheese!! Lol!
Remember the street party down yours when Rob had that big sphere out? That was a pisser! We were celebrating the start of the World Cup 2002 and it was also a jubilee or something weren't it for the Queen? Anyway, I can't remember! England played Sweden that's all I know and that it was June the 2nd! Adam nearly killed me in the sphere cause we went down in it and at the bottom he was suspended above me in the harness and he was moaning saying it was crushing his genitals so he started undoing his harness and I moved just in time before he landed where I would've been if I hadn't moved at all! That sphere weighs a fuckin' tonne! I could hardly feel my arms the next day! But it was a fucking good day - it was pure class.
Unlike that time at Keel Uni on the Go For It project where I was removed for sexual harassment and got suspended! What a crock of shit! All I said (in jest) was what's your mobile number and "are you seeing Lee?" (that ginger haired person) and Debbie Harris took offense and was worried! I'm not that intimidating am I?! What did she think I was gonna do?! Lol! We had a good time at Keele before though didn't we, when I was in room D12 and you were in room D13. It was the time we went Staffs Uni 1 day, then Keele Uni the day after. Nelly kept helping himself to all the big boxes of food and stashed it in the fridge on our floor in the dorms! It was proper good! And we had that party where Nelly went with Beki Copeland! Lucky fucker! But then he had a "dilemma" (get it? Nelly n Kelly?) over who to go with; Beki Copeland or my bro's ex Tasha Whitehead! No contest really - Tasha any day! Nah, just messing - we all know (well I do) that Beki Copeland is way nicer than Tasha Whitehead! That night we all crashed in Dobo's room - there was me, you, Nelly, Dobo and Crichton! We were talking to that girl from Endon (I think) and we were passing the phone around pretending we were the same person!! She actually believe us (for a while at least!) What a dumb fuck - bet she had blonde hair!!! And then we went out at 6:55am while Dobo was still asleep and he thought we all ditched him - really we were all crashed out in our own rooms! Lol!
The there's the prom at Alsager Golf Course where we all looked grown up in tuxedos and all! And the one where everyone got to dance with Becky Hall and then cause of it Shamo jumped Frosty whilst Frosty was having a piss! He tried be the big man but got annihilated and humiliated when Frosty beat him senseless and dented Miss Foxes car with Shamo's head! The funniest part was that Frosty hadn't even danced with Becky Hall - Shamo was "trying" to settle and old vendetta - poorly!! All his mates just watched him getting twatted!!
I don't know where this fits in but I think I should've really mentioned it a while back. The Matrix Reloaded! Ha! We went for a laugh and me, you and Frosty at least, all had one. Crichton probably didn't when Frosty told that guy that he was only 12 years old and they weren't gonna let him in! That's fucking comedy for you! Lol! And how can I not mention when they all moved away from us just cause we were having a laugh?! What do you go to the cinema with your friends for if you don't plan on having a laugh!? Frosty put on my mirror shades and they all did that infamous "look at Frosty, shake their heads, and stare intently at the screen" motion! They'll never live it down will they! Remember laugh at them!
Oh yeah, and I nearly forgot to re-mention "you know what" (you knew it was gonna cum sooner or later! (I bet that's what she was thinking too!)) Lol! I hear she was a proper minger! How could you, eh?! I wasn't there so I can't really relate to it, but 30 mins? God damn boy! She couldn't have been that bad cause Jewish came! And then you went with her?! No way! Anyways, enough said about that I feel!
I can't believe you didn't come the leaving party the day after cause it was awesome! Steve was bladdered and pulled his button off his trousers (which then threatened to fall down every time he moved), Crichton moved Emma "whore" Woodcock's chair and she fell on the floor, then I walked from school to Norton (about 2 miles) on me todd at 1/2 11 at night! Now that was a good night lol! I was fucked the next day though! And so seemed everyone else! Like Crichton came in school and lkeft Nelly and Steve crashed out in his house! Insanity!!! Lol!
Anyway I'm all out of things to say now and I should think so after all I can barely feel my arm, so I'm gonna round this up. Thanks for being my best mate all these years. We've had some proper bo times, I tell thee. And I know you could be anything you want cause you really are amazingly clever. Don't waste that potential cause if you get rich, you could give me some cash. It was save me having to pimp Emma Woodcock for my money flow! Lol!
No, you really will sail through these exams piss easy, just hope I do too. All them years copying and learning from you should pay off! If not, damn I'm fucked! You could be summat big (NASA awaits you). Good luck in all you do and I know we're going different colleges but I'll still come your house (you could come mine but you'd get lynched by my "army" of rugrats!). Like I say if I ever need make a CD, I'll come up your house and do it for free! Lol!
You're the best mate I've ever had, so you better stay in touch. Just remember to keep your chin up, stand tall, and stay loyal. They're my policies, and they work alright for me. Cya round in the not so distant future (probs 2mora for another exam - lol!) and if you do disappear inside Area 51 or summat and I never see you again - just remember me as the good looking, sarcastic, funny one from school (lol).
In a bits, G.
