DD #17

First let's get the bad shit out d way, a brief summary of the fuck up of my balls.

- liquid layer built up around lefty

- surgery - permanent effect, removes layer and excess skin off my scrotum via incision. Severe pain for 4 days following operation then slight pain decreasing in severity over 3 months.

On 22.07.02 8:15am go to Adult Day Care at the hospital with a shaven scrotum, a urine sample, and a pair of trainers. See a doctor and anaesthetist and sign a consent form. Get put asleep and have the operation and have the wound stitched and covered in gauze. Wake up. Have painkillers for the pain and go home wearing tight pants for support and to reduce all the swelling. No sports for 3 months.

Gauze over wound - if by 10 days stitches are still visible, peck off. No bath or shower on 22.07.02, instead have a bath on 23.07.02 at the evening where gauze is removed. Leave to heal. DON'T GO SWIMMING WITH OPEN WOUND 2 AVOID INFECTION.

Now that's out the way...

I love Steph Hand and did love Amanda Higginbotham but I can't now because she told me something which I promised no-one would find out about so I can't write it in here because some people may read this. She trust's me so I will not ruin that trust - plus it would be sad - also - I couldn't!

This song I taped reminds me of Steph - it's true (the song):

Lonestar - Amazed By You

To me going out with Steph is like a hobby -

I enjoy doing it - but not finishing doing it.

I don't do it ALL the time but I do it regularly.

She has invited me up over the holidays but I don't know whether I should go up because if I do it I will be putty in her hands. I like her so much I'd do near enough anything for her. I mean for God sake I'd fuckin die for her yet she doesn't realise how much she means to me - she should like, cuz I've been out with her about 5 times in 6 months. I mean for fuck sake! It's like no matter what she does I still fancy the arse off her. Jesus if she went and had a mother fucking sex change I'd probably still fancy her!!! I know that if she clicked her fingers I'd come running to see what she wants.

If I went up over the holidays I'd probably be unable to help chatting her up and feeling her up - if I did, we'd get together and then she'd finish me. What I'm debating now is whether the time between starting going out with her and being finished by her is worth the humiliation and heartbreak (I'm surprised I've got enough heart left to break - the amount of times Steph's already broke it).

I personally don't think I deserve her. I'm always skint, don't see her all the time, and aren't there for her all the time. I cud be perfect if I won the lottery and moved house to next door to her, or even better - in with her. She is perfect. She has a perfect body, a great personality, and great looks. I get on with her family - "all" her family which is not the easiest part of having a relationship - (getting to meet and impress their parents).

They are sound and even her little sister could be worse. I could spend my life with her easily - if she'd let me (Steph not Sophie (Steph's sister)).

Grow up, get a fly car liked a souped up Subaru Imprezza or Hyundai Coupe, get a big house dead smart inside, widescreen TV, DVD player, latest console, loadsa games n everything. Cud have Steph by my side as my wife, 2 kids, one boy, one girl and a fantastic sex life in a king size bed - smooth. Oh yeah and a wallet fulla dosh.

That's my ultimate dream - screw world peace, screw no death - that's what I would wish for.

L8rs.

P.S. Easters tomorrow! Painted Christine's room today - take it from me, that's hard. It's a surprise for when she comes back from her foster carers.