Hey,
I was hoping to get some outside opinion's on my situation - I appreciate it's tedious reading long essays so I'll try to stick to the basics - if any further info is required, just let me know.
Okay, so...
I think I want to break up with my fiancée who I've been with for 3 years - we've been engaged for 1 year.
I went out with my ex-girlfriend for 4yrs and loved her deeply. Not long after we broke up, she changed her sexual orientation and became a lesbian publicly. Inevitably this was humiliating but forced me to let her go and move on. We didn't have a bad relationship or break-up, we were just young and decided that we needed to live more.
I got with my fiancée around 3 and a half years ago. We argue regularly and I don't trust her. We broke up for 3 months but got back together about 18 months ago. During the 3 months apart, we both slept with multiple other people. Since being back together she has acted inappropriately numerous times behind my back - the worst of which was I discovered she'd watched another male masturbate over webcam around 3 months ago.
I forgive her blindly and tolerate the situation because I go to University and I don't need the upheaval of a break-up to distract me from my studies.
Recently we have been getting along alright - no real arguments and no real issues with her behaviour, despite my paranoia.
I got back in touch with my ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago and have met up with her for drinks on a couple of occasions. She is in a relationship with another female and has been for 2yrs, yet she has told me repeatedly that they have been falling out for over half that time. She texts me frequently, compliments me and when I'm with her I feel invincible. Also when I'm with her, I feel a stronger connection, and the look in her eyes tells me that she does too.
My relationship is in the best condition it has been in the last 6 months, however my ex being back in my life has put things into perspective and I feel like I don't want to be in the relationship that I am anymore.
I loved my fiancée at one point, and despite everything she has done, I know she loves me. I am scared that if I break up with her, I will not only break her heart, but also be doing it for the wrong reasons.
If my ex had been in my life around the times of other incidents such as the webcam, I know that I would've ended it there and then. To break up now feels like I'm just trying to justify a bad decision with rational reasons.
I'm really confused and convinced I'm going to make the wrong decision.
All opinions greatly appreciated.
Thanks for the quick response sorry for not providing much information - I was trying to limit the length of my first post so people weren't put off reading it.
Seems kind of naive to be talking of love at such a young age, but my feelings for her never passed, I just buried them because I believed there was no way back for us. Now she is back in my life the feelings have resurfaced instantly to confirm my belief that it really is love. I would die for this girl, no hesitation - I want to protect her and be there for her; be the reason she smiles; wake up with her every morning for the rest of my life.
When we split up, it was an amicable break-up. She had just left school and was looking for work, potentially far away, whereas I was still at school for another year. We decided that due to our age and financial situations, it wasn't practical for us to stay together, and as much as it broke my heart, we went our separate paths. I didn't want to feel like I was holding her back, and I feel she didn't want me to resent her for putting me into that position where I would feel that way. I lost contact with her a few months later, and I was informed by a friend of her change in orientation.
Then by chance I got in contact with her sister around a month ago who then put me in touch with my ex. We were texting at first and just talking about the past, reminiscing. She invited me to go out for a drink, so I met up with her at a local pub. It was heartbreaking to see her again - so many memories and feelings came rushing back. She hadn't changed in appearance much, and we had so much to talk about. She told me about the relationship problems she'd been having and I felt wryly optimistic. She kept looking at me with such intense emotion in her eyes, and I felt like I never wanted to leave her sight again.
She told me I was the only male she ever really had feelings for, and that if she ever felt that she wasn't getting what she was looking for from females, that I'd be the one she'd call. She complimented me, even my facial hair which I found very intriguing since she supposedly likes females. Her lesbianism began to seem more like bisexualism.
Since that night, I've been out for a drink with her again, and also been her house whilst her girlfriend was at work. It was the best day I've had in months and everything felt so natural. There was no forced laughter, no uncomfortable silence; no awkwardness. We lay on the soft together and she kept resting her face against mine and looking deeply into my eyes. As much as I wanted to steal a kiss, I refrained. I respect her too much to put her in that situation. Since then she has invited me out for a meal, which I gracefully declined out of respect for my fiancée. She has also told me that I'm the kind of person she really needs in her life right now, because I make her happy and that I'm welcome to go around and spend time with her whenever I'm available.
Now I'm torn. As much as I get the impression that she feels the same as me, a part of me is not convinced and I don't want to risk alienating her by asking her outright. I don't see any other solution besides waiting patiently and hoping that in due course she'll feel comfortable enough to discuss her feelings with me, which is the approach I'm taking at present.
I am trying to put distance between me and my fiancée already, I find I take things out of proportion, almost seeking conflict. I can handle her anger, but I can't handle her grief. I would prefer her to hate me than for me to break her heart. But part of me doesn't want to lose her completely.
I am almost trying to push her away, hoping that she can bring up the conversation about needing a break, or thinking that something isn't working. I am worried that if I bring it up, I will resultantly break her heart with unkind words, or bite my tongue to keep her happy.
Sometimes I feel like I'm only here because I'm trying to keep her happy, regardless of how much I am not.
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