White Lives Matter!

The first wound has been dealt following #Brexit.

I mocked when #Bremainers declared the world would fall out of orbit if we voted to depart the EU. I sneered when they claimed the global financial markets would crash and the economy would haemorrage until our currency was worth less than the honesty of a politican. I snorted in derision when they concluded anybody who voted against the facist dictatorship of the EU superstate was an uneducated racist xenophobe.

Yet now I sit in an emotional stupor, a whirlpool of despondence and betrayal.

It's not because Vote Leave rescinded their promise of donating £350 million a week to the NHS. It's not because Farage has stepped down from UKIP, or Boris has backed out of Tory leadership. It isn't because Georgina my work colleague is confused by the term "curved letter". No. It's because Hasbro are replacing Mrs White in Cluedo.

Now, Mrs White has featured in the Reservoir Dogs-esque cast of Cluedo since 1949. Nineteen. Forty. Nine. This woman has lived. She has killed more people with a piece of rope than you've had hot dinners. And now as I open the wallet in the centre of the Cluedo board, armed with my notepad and cunning detective skills, I find that my childhood is in the firing line with an absence of Dr Black being killed... instead the murder she wrote was infact Hasbro, in the feels, with the knife in the back of Mrs White.

Craig Wilkins, marketing director for Hasbro in the UK and Ireland, said: "It was a difficult decision to say goodbye to Mrs White, but after 70 years of suspicious activity we decided that one of the characters had to go. Dr Orchid is a brilliant new character with a rich back story and links to the Black fortune."

With all due respect Craig, fuck your back story and fuck Dr. Orchid. I will boycott the shit out that nubile, undeserving charlatan! Hasbro have committed filicide, willfully murdering one of their blessed children. A cornerstone of my childhood, stolen away from the next generation by you racist, insecure old people! It's because she is White isn't it? Admit it! Your political correctness does not extend to protecting White people!

Whatever will be next?!! Replacing the Lead Pipe with a Drone Strike!? Maybe the Candlestick is too outdated and needs to be superseded with a Flamethrower!? Perhaps the Library is going to be replaced with a Games Room, or the Conservatory will become a Jacuzzi and Steam Room?! Where will the insanity end!??

If I ever buy an updated version of Cluedo, I will remember with utter disdain this injustice, and look upon Dr Orchid as the embodiment of your betrayal against a fragile old lady! Mrs White, we will never forget you and the diligence of your loyalty to the very ones who betrayed you!

Fuck Hasbro! Long live Mrs White!