Monthly Musings: August 2019

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

01/08/2019 @01:46
so I tell myself don't get attached // cause I know these feelings might not last // but this girl is in a different class // to every other in my distant past // and I'm scared to loosen up my grasp // but also scared of moving too fast // yet the longer that we choose this path // brings me one step closer to losing track// of the boundaries that I used to have // because the way she makes me feel is mad//

01/08/2019 @20:50
Something magical is blossoming // I'm trying not to rush // Desperate to feel it's touch; scared I'll smother it to dust. // It's delicate... and I'm assured I'll fuck it up. // But it's hard not to clutch when I yearn for it so much. // Been off the grid so long now I struggle to adjust. // Is this love? Is this lust? Should I fold, or call the bluff? // Do I go all in? Am I just pushing my luck? // What do I trust? These butterflies in my guts? // She's my last thought at night when I'm lay in my bed. // Poetic words she said swirl around in my head. // She's so damn beautiful that I can't even deal. // And the way she makes me feel, man this can't be real. // I'm like a kid again... feeling awkward and shy. // Impatient to see her, yet // feeling nervous inside. // Never dreamt this could happen, not even pretending. // I honestly believe we could have a happy ending. // Still I tell myself don't get attached, // Cause I know these feelings might not last. // But I'm terrified to loosen up my grasp, // And also scared we'll move too fast. // So I tell myself don't walk away; // Cause I know I'd regret it all some day. // It's been so long since I've talked this way... // I know I oughta stay, I oughta stay...

02/08/2019 @13:21
Get your asses down Subway for a free wrap! 🙌

02/08/2019 @18:52
Happy to see this beautiful little princess 😊😍 xo

03/08/2019 @11:35
"Some says our dreams are a distant road //
Down which our hearts would like to go //
But I have always stayed in place //
Under that old illusion that it's safe... //
You said the ship in port is the safer one //
But it's not the reason it was made //
So forgive me if I wander off //
And forgive me more if I just stay..."

03/08/2019 @17:10
They say life is a rollercoaster, full of highs & lows // I guess I just stood still that long that everything plateaued // I locked my heart inside a box and cast it out to sea // And docked my ship within a port resigned to never leave // My anchor is still holding fast, but the waves are pulling strong // Perhaps the chain may finally snap after working for so long

03/08/2019 @18:06
The beautiful little chav playing on her "slime phone" she says 😅 xo

03/08/2019 @22:40
She makes me feel a way that I'd forgot // Like I could actually be worth a shot // Seems a lifetime since I felt this way before // And I'm impatient to see what life could have in store // I want to rush and read the last page of this book // And see if we are together when I look // But for now this story's only just begun // And I need to experience the pages one by one

04/08/2019 @10:16
🙌🤷🏻‍♂️

04/08/2019 @13:50
Out with the lad. Feel cute. May rob a shop later, idk.

05/08/2019 @08:25
😅🤦🏻‍♂️

05/08/2019 @13:41
Awesome news today; estate agent have said they've spoke to my landlady and she's happy for me keep the property for another year when it comes to my tenancy renewal... which means the £1,200 I'd put aside to cover the potential costs of moving house have just became available to spend 😏😛

06/08/2019 @00:50
I felt the magic and tried to grab it // but I'm a wild creature of habit // guess I've never been one for change // so the outcome ain't that strange // now as it slips between closed fingers // I smile as the memory lingers // perhaps this could've been something perfect // I guess the risk just wasn't worth it //

06/08/2019 @00:55
♥

06/08/2019 @01:01
Rest in peace Nana Ellard 💔 you had a heart of gold, always loved me like your own and accepted me with open arms and an open door ♥ hope you're at peace now, reunited with those we've lost xxx

06/08/2019 @08:36
😂😂😂

06/08/2019 @21:34
Booked up next holiday. Lisbon. Hype, hype! 🙌♥️🇵🇹
[with Terry Scott and Matthew Morris]

08/08/2019 @19:00
Fuck meetings ✌️ fancied a beer 🙌
[at Moorland Inn]

08/08/2019 @21:10
Catch up with old friends ☺️
[with Alex Legan and Nathan Pender at Moorland Inn]

09/08/2019 @20:45
Yes I will 😅😅

09/08/2019 @19:01
Straight in the door, straight in the freezer 😂😍 xo

09/08/2019 @23:11
Off work for the week to spend time with this beautiful little princess 😍 love turning off all my alarms on my phone, knowing full well her little face will be waking me up much earlier than the alarms would 😂 xo

10/08/2019 @11:20
Fancied a sing song on a Sat morning after being an absolute sassy sod since she woke up 😂😅 xo

10/08/2019 @17:47
Playing the beta with Hayden & Rob whilst the kids be little terrorists in the garden and annoy Lorna

10/08/2019 @21:11
Washing a kids hair be like...
Me: Sit still so I can wash your hair.
Ilysha: 
[https://media1.tenor.co/images/6c8dfbdc54e41584794b57462548ae10/tenor.gif?itemid=9639381]

11/08/2019 @00:10
At what age do you stop sneaking in your child's room during the night to check they're still alive before going to bed yourself? Asking for a friend.

11/08/2019 @09:10
😅🙈

11/08/2019 @11:19
Ahh, relaxing Sunday morning with a coffee and a book 😊 whilst kiddo plays Minecraft and watches the usual crap on YouTube 😅 xo

11/08/2019 @21:49
Ilysha: "Daaaaaad, I'm still hungry."
Me: "You always are."
Ilysha: "If I don't have more food, I won't sleep tonight."
Me: "Children in Africa don't eat as much as you and they sleep just fine."
Ilysha: "Yeah but we don't live in Africa. They wouldn't sleep here either." 😅

12/08/2019 @16:22
Had fun at Dimensions with this one 😍 xo
[at Dimensions Leisure Centre]

12/08/2019 @16:38
Cheeky wind down since kiddo wants a Maccies, may as well swerve here for a swift one 😜
[with Hayden Joyce at Horn and Trumpet]

12/08/2019 @18:30
That's day drinking done right with cheeky spicy nugs 😜
[with Hayden Joyce at Horn and Trumpet]

13/08/2019 @12:47
Happy kid, happy life 😂😍 xo
[at Flip Out Stoke-on-Trent]

13/08/2019 @15:26
Missy ready to scale some walls 😍☺️ xo
[at Clip 'n Climb Stoke]

13/08/2019 @21:47
Really cannot recommend Clip'n Climb enough. Ilysha has had an amazing time there today and we'll definitely be returning! Enjoy this video of her being an absolute little monkey! 🙈😂 xo

13/08/2019 @21:56
Had an absolutely amazing time here today. The staff are superb and super friendly, the venue is immaculate and reassuringly safe and staffed, and the facilities are excellent. Fairly priced, great atmosphere and all around great experience. Will definitely be back!
[at Clip 'n Climb Stoke]

14/08/2019 @12:19
At a place, gonna do some things. Feel cute. May break my ankle on the ice later, idk xo
[at CineBowl ISkate Uttoxeter]

14/08/2019 @15:38
Watching Lion King with this miserable sod, Terry & Stace xo
[with Terry Scott at CineBowl ISkate Uttoxeter]

14/08/2019 @19:03
With kiddo, Tez and Stace bowling for soup xo
[with Terry Scott at CineBowl ISkate Uttoxeter]

15/08/2019 @08:23
Ngl as much as I miss morning cuddles, I do quite enjoy having a lie-in because Ilysha just goes downstairs now and puts the TV on instead of waking me up at 6am 😅

15/08/2019 @08:32
😂🙈

15/08/2019 @14:12
Having a mad play date with the bestie 😁 xxx
[with Samantha Edmondson at Just Kidding]

15/08/2019 @17:34
Feeding time at the zoo ft. sweary teens, family domestics and all manner of other reprobates. Stay classy 🙌 I feel right at home 😅 xo
[at McDonald's Restaurant]

16/08/2019 @00:55
I hear each second of the clock as it ticks // Lost in my thoughts as the feelings persist // Tried to ignore them but they're hard to resist // Feels like I'm living track 11 from Made of Bricks //

16/08/2019 @08:37
Happiest little face to see first thing in the morning 😍 woke up about 5 mins ago, went in her room & she's just there all smiles and cuddles 😊 xo

16/08/2019 @09:50
Instagram? Completed it mate.

16/08/2019 @12:39
😂😂😂

16/08/2019 @13:38
Feel cute. May drown later, idk xo
[at Waterworld]

17/08/2019 @10:52
Pretty sure FB were listening in on our convo at Bon Pan 🤔 x
[with Stace Lewis]

17/08/2019 @14:02
Easy entertainment after a good recommendation 😅🙌

17/08/2019 @14:49
Feel cute. May get battered at Wii Bowling by my 6 y/o daughter later, idk.

17/08/2019 @19:19
Been a thoroughly enjoyable week, even with little miss sassy pants giving me more lip than Pete Burns at times. Quiet pint in the sun whilst I begin the count down to her coming back on Friday for another 8 sleeps, and another week of action packed fun ♥️ best thing that ever happened to me, hands down. Wouldn't change her for the world and everything in it xo
[at The Nelson Inn]

18/08/2019 @08:34
😂😂😂

18/08/2019 @12:46
Woke up. Had a bit of a gutted cry because Ilysha wasn't here. Got up. Wrote a song. Waiting for Charlie to get here. Been a productive day so far.

18/08/2019 @13:27
"It came outta left field; totally unexpected // A fire burning bright, part of life that I'd neglected // Since my kid was born, the relationship wrecked // I locked off my heart for years out of respect // For us both; focused on my daughter and myself // Tried to get a handle on my health and my wealth // My career, my dreams, became an introvert it seems // Lonely nights where my fears smothered me in screams // I'd take it on the chin, hid it within to save face // Collateral damage for the life that I'd embrace // The lonely bitter taste, replacing trust issues // After all the miss you's, I was still misused // Kept my heart caged; in spite of words spoken // Every time I'd let my guard down it got broken // I gave up hoping that anything could change // So when feelings surfaced it seemed so strange // Off guard; so I started falling hard // I should've pulled back before it went this far // But nah; cause see she was ticking every box // We were back and forth messaging non-damn stop // Effortless. I really yearned to taste her kiss // So we counted down the days in innocent bliss // I walked in her door, she wore a black pinafore // Lips locked instantly, passionately in the hall // Gorgeous; pictures didn't do her justice // As the night unfolded, I couldn't help but lust this // Giggling and flirting, no chance of being rational // Clicking like a jigsaw, so damn compatible // Caught feelings; this girl had me reeling // Everything about her was so damn appealing // Stealing my attention, thieving affection // Safe guards failed as she stripped my protection // Vulnerable; a position that I hate // Now she's pulling away and it's a little too late // To stop it. This is so out of pocket // Been a long time so it's hard for me to drop it // Still hope it's her every time I hear my phone // But it takes two to tango and I'm dancing alone // On my own; I'm like a fish out of water // Revert to just focusing on me and my daughter // Thought I was ready after years isolated // Emotional confusion cannot be overstated // Little things she said had me feeling elated // Silence echoes louder than anticipated // So I'm withdrawing just as fast as falling // Already feel the walls around my heart reforming // A new day is dawning, I'm still feeling blue // My chest still hurting from the whiplash of you." - Whiplash

18/08/2019 @15:09
Grabbing ice cream with the lad xo
[at Forest Park Hanley]

18/08/2019 @20:00
"Always been the guy that's easy to hate // Cause I embrace disgrace with a grin on my face // With the taste of shame still fresh on my tongue // I surrender to my demons cause I know they're quite strong // They've followed me around a good fucking while // Now I treat them like friends with a wink and a smile // Since a child. They're my guys yet you despise // But we're not too different behind closed doors and eyes // Darkness lurking; a black hearted person // Shutting out the good, only letting the worst in // Cursed him. Thirsting to let shadows take me // Encourage them to violate, corrupt and suffocate me // It never breaks me; instead rejuvenates me // Gives me a reason for all you cunts to hate me // I know I'm a bastard; no false pretenses // No more trying to fucking come to my senses.

20/08/2019 @09:02
[listening to twenty one pilots]

21/08/2019 @08:52
[listening to Linkin Park]

21/08/2019 @20:11
Second headphone adapter for my phone broke within 2 months 😤
Hello new wireless skull candies 😍
Fuck you, I win 😏

22/08/2019 @08:32
[listening to Limp Bizkit]

22/08/2019 @20:56
I let you get close // Then you turned ghost // and it left a void in my life // left me devoid of hope // // Waiting for a message that isn't coming //

23/08/2019 @08:32
[listening to Radical Face]

23/08/2019 @19:06
Well this is gonna be a fun week FFS 😅 all my plans are being shot tf down! 😤🙈

23/08/2019 @23:05
Went to a library, says to the woman behind the counter: "Hey I'm after a book on turtles."
She says: "Hardback?"
I said: "Yeah, with a little head." 🐢😂

24/08/2019 @09:54
Happy 10th Birthday to a not so little boy who has been a huge part of my life for the last decade. A lot of people mistake him for being my own Son and I've tried to always treat him as such. He's growing up fast and with it comes the hard work of dealing with the attitude and rebelling (especially when he thinks he's a roadman), but he's still my little Charchar and always will be. Hope he has a great day full of laughter and love. Happy Birthday my little Sonshine ♥️ xo

24/08/2019 @20:20
♥️ this

25/08/2019 @00:05
let me close // then turn ghost // left alone with an invisible host // but raise a toast // and smile // this is the most alive i've felt in a while // beguiled by a siren // so sentimental // so naively blinded by potential // now it haunts me like a shadow // in a strange way i'm glad though //

25/08/2019 @08:30
😂😂😂🙌

25/08/2019 @09:43
It started off with us messaging back and forth // Now if I don't message first we don't even talk // And even when we do now it seems so forced // It's safe to say this attempt has ran its course //

25/08/2019 @10:18
Have kids they said. It'll be fun they said. Blood and tears on a Sunday morning because she's managed cut the roof of her mouth, ffs 🤦🏻‍♂️ xo

25/08/2019 @23:25
You used to be my favourite notification // Easy conversation, constant communication // I see you online but now there's hesitation // As I'm left in frustration, impatiently waiting //

26/08/2019 @10:49
🙌

26/08/2019 @13:04
Ilysha is being a lazy mard who doesn't wanna go out and do anything, and I'm not gonna force her to go somewhere if she's just gonna moan, complain and be ungrateful all day 🤷🏻‍♂️ sure some of you other parents can relate! 🤦🏻‍♂️
[at Home]

26/08/2019 @14:55
We grabbed Izzy after all 😂 xo
[at Burslem Park]

26/08/2019 @18:09
UberEats ftw 😂🙌 xo

27/08/2019 @09:29
Hahaha this one though 😍 someone was a sleepy little buggo this morning! xo

28/08/2019 @10:35
Today we say goodbye to two people who have been big parts of my life at different times. My cousin Azzer who many people knew and loved, and my ex fiancée's Nan who welcomed me with open arms and still treated me like family after me and Kirsty split up. Due to having Ilysha for the summer holidays I won't be able to attend the funerals, but my thoughts and love will be with everybody in attendance ♥️ rest in peace, I hope you're both in a better place now xo

29/08/2019 @09:08
Life is only ever as simple as you let it be. 🙌

29/08/2019 @11:51
After a busy day Tuesday, Ilysha decided she didn't want to go anywhere yesterday. We pencilled in Inflato for today, and iSkate for tomorrow. She's now decided she doesn't want to go iSkate after all, she wants stay home because she's "homesick" 😂 such a happy simple child ♥️

29/08/2019 @14:14
😂😂😂 fml. What an absolute abortion of a hairstyle. Like trying plait hair on someone having a seizure because she keeps about as still as someone being tasered 🤦🏻‍♂️

29/08/2019 @17:05
At a place, gonna do a thing. Might snap my ankle later, idk
[at Inflato]

29/08/2019 @17:31
[at McDonald's Restaurant]

30/08/2019 @00:58
Starting get cocky with Ilysha here, thinking I can have a cheeky beer & go bed this late without repercussions 😂

30/08/2019 @09:22
Wakey wakey lazy bones😅💕 xo

30/08/2019 @11:22
Hear noise. Go upstairs. She's "sick sick" apparently 😅 xo

30/08/2019 @12:41
I love payday. I get to pretend I'm rich for about 2 days until all my direct debits and standing orders remind me that I really aren't 😂

30/08/2019 @12:53
♥️

30/08/2019 @17:02
Buggo insisted I play this for her 😂 spent about an hour learning it 🙈 xo

30/08/2019 @17:30
Healthy tea again 😂😂 end of the week, totes cba 🙌 xo

30/08/2019 @22:35
The most heartbreaking part of men being told to open up about their issues is realising just how prevalent it is. We're a generation of broken men, each with our own heartbreaks and demons.

30/08/2019 @22:46
Last night with my Princess this holiday 😭♥️ xo

31/08/2019 @10:17
Saturday morning vibes when you have a kiddo, cuddled up on sofa watching cartoons 🤩 she keeps me young & appreciating the simple things in life ♥️ xo

31/08/2019 @12:28
Is it just my kid who insists on watching programmes on YouTube in foreign languages?? 🤦🏻‍♂️ xo

31/08/2019 @15:35
Chill day with this summery sweetheart 💕 xo

31/08/2019 @18:37
Well, what a fucking awful end to a lovely week. I really genuinely feel bad for kiddos Mum, she's just come pick her up and Lysh has bawled the house down in tears that she doesn't wanna go, ran off and hid, told her Mum she wants to live with me, then been scolded and dragged to the car kicking and screaming 🤦🏻‍♂️😔 Back in the past I'd have got some satisfaction from this, but these days, it just genuinely upsets me. She clung to me crying and hugging me, and I just had to pry her off and send her away. Her Mum's there saying how much she's missed her, and Lysh is dismissive and detached; I can only imagine how much that must hurt to experience 💔 Tried explaining to Lysh that it wouldn't be like it is if she lived with me full time, and tried singing her Mum's praises for working hard to buy her nice things, and take her out nice places etc (she's just booked up a surprise holiday to Marmaris for them both for kiddos birthday ffs), but Lysh just dismisses it and continues saying she wants to live with me, or alternate weeks with each of us which wouldn't work. Fucking breaks my heart man. 😔💔