It's safe to say I have an addictive personality. Not just safe in fact, it's undeniable.
I have long understood that addiction couples nicely with the Void. We all have a huge empty chasm in our meaningless lives to fill, and we all find hobbies and habits to occupy it. If we quit a hobby/habit, we must find something new to fill the Void with instead; religion, relationship, marriage, children, career, personal projects, fitness, sports, gaming, gambling, alcohol, recreational drugs, prostitutes, becoming a serial killer... there is a very diverse plethora of options available. Not all are advisable.
This cycle of "replacement" leaves us in a permanent state of flux; we are either upgrading our hobby/habit to something more productive, or downgrading it to something more harmful (like how gateway drugs work). I've been consciously trying to improve my hobbies/habits for the past decade after I'd spiraled for many years into a harrowing cycle of drug addiction. I graduated from smoking cannabis casually with a friend in 2009, to snorting a cocktail of cocaine, ecstasy and methoxetamine on a 48hr bender in 2011. Within 2yrs my naive shithousery had totally crossed the Rubicon.
The recovery process was admittedly not easy, although it was simple. Stop taking recreational drugs. That was it, literally all I needed to do. The problem of course, was that once I stopped taking drugs, there was the Void breathing down my neck. What the fuck do I do with all this available time and money now? Quite often, the regrettable answer was "relapse".
I'm thankful to say that through willpower, and finding healthier coping mechanisms, habits and hobbies to fill the Void™, I am now in a much better mindset and position in my life. It's been over a decade since I touched most nefarious substances, the exceptions being cocaine, nicotine and alcohol.
Cocaine has been constant source of frustration for me as it totally dominated my life at one point. I have gone years without using it, only to relapse in a moment of madness. Every relapse has been followed by a long period of guilt, shame and frustration with myself; I'm almost 18 months clean at this point, and I am adamant that this time I'm staying off it. I want my Last Used date to remain as 06/07/2020 permanently; they had just lifted Lockdown restrictions, and I allowed the celebrations to enrapture me into stupidity.
The most difficult habits to quit are the legal ones. The ones that are normalised and inherently acceptable. Nicotine and alcohol. I had never even smoked cigarettes until I'd smoked cannabis. Ironic. I weaned myself off cannabis onto regular cigarettes. Then I weaned onto menthol cigarettes. Then menthol filters with rolling tobacco. I tried nicotine gum, patches, and sprays. All failed. I actually quit cold turkey at one point thanks to Allen Carrs 'EasyWay', then ended up back smoking 5 months later. Stupidly.
The nicotine in a single cigarette activates 80%/90% of dopamine receptors as they mistake it for Acetylcholine. Nicotine is rapidly metabolized and as your nicotine level drops, so does your dopamine/happiness. Addiction is the result of a process called up-regulation. As a result of the apparent increase in Acetylcholine (actually Nicotine) the brain creates additional Dopamine receptors with lower sensitivity; this is referred to as "an increased tolerance". It now takes more Nicotine to release the Dopamine. It takes 3 days to metabolize all nicotine in your system. It takes 21 days to down-regulate Dopamine receptors. Chemical addiction to Nicotine passes in 3 to 4 weeks.
Then on 06/06/2016 I smoked my final cigarette and began vaping. That was over half a decade ago. Over those 5yrs I tried reducing my % nicotine from 11mg to 6mg, even 3mg, intending on weaning myself off. It never worked. I just vaped more to compensate for the lower dose of nicotine. Addiction is a hungry relentless beast. I accept now, that if I'm going to stop then the only way I managed previously was just white knuckling it. It is time to bury this gremlin once and for all. And it starts with abstaining from nicotine, and throwing these fuckers away so I can't relapse...
Now I just need to remind myself whenever a craving hits:
I have a chemical addiction to nicotine, and my brain has adjusted to its presence; withdrawal is simply my brain readjusting to its absence.
And it will readjust.
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