Monthly Musings: July 2010

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Spontaneous

 Well, last night was a little bit (see title).

It was 1am, I was sat alone playing Call of Duty like some sad, geeky loser, when my mobile began to ring. Who the hell is calling me at 1am?? Oh, it’s just an invite to a house party… so, how can a recovering alcoholic with a students mentality turn down that sort of opportunity?? Answer: I couldn’t. So off I went, and what followed was a decent night with the inevitable alcohol, drugs, sex & violence. Standard.

On my way home at 8am, half drunk & disorientated, I stumbled upon a sleeping man in a field haha… I took some pictures (because I’m strange like that) and then proceeded to wake him up and inform him of his whereabouts. Turned out he’d decided to walk home after a good night on the town and obviously got sidetracked.

My good deed for the day; since on my estate, if I’d of left him asleep then he’d of awoken with empty pockets…

…oh, and probably no shoes either.

Late Long One

 So it’s the end of the day that had begun in my last post, and my prediction was right about it being long a one.

The Jobseekers interview seemed to go fine despite them keeping me sat around for around an hour and a half… fingers crossed my claim should be processed soon & my money should begin to come. Thank Christ.

Been to see my ex-fiancee and her Mum for an hour or so to see how they’re doing, and then I’ve been football for a couple of hours. Needless to say I ran my bollocks off; really worked up a sweat, and despite losing, really enjoy the game. Came home and enjoyed a lovely relaxing bath, whilst altering the water from cold to hot occasionally. Eventually the hot water took affect & I began to doze off, so I got out before the inevitable.

Now I’m going to find something eat, then play on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for a short while, alternatively find a film to watch.

Today’s been actually pretty productive. 

I’m happy.

Stupid o'clock

 Another day, another dollar. No, wait…

Another day, another wasted 24hrs; once again I’ve succeeded in achieving technically sweet fuck all.

In around 7hrs time I have an appointment at the Jobcentre to discuss potential employment opportunities, and although it’s 4am, bed isn’t even registering as an option. I’m anticipating 34hrs awake before I next sleep, tomorrow is looking like a long busy day.

Once again, a night of productive plans failed to distractions.

FML.

Anotha B: Never Serious

Procrastination Victim

 The clock strikes aggressively to inform myself that it’s 6am once more, whilst here I sit watching The Simpsons and aimlessly scouring the internet. (Scouring the internet refers to downloading films that I never actually plan to watch, music I never plan to listen to and pressing F5 on the time leech that is Facebook).

My plans of productivity falter repeatedly to procrastination.

So the time is 6am, and as the majority of the country prepares to awaken for a day in education, work or achieving something contributory to their lives, I sit reflecting once more. Another day gone; another 24hrs of my life permanently lost. And how did I spend those 24hrs? Getting high and playing on Call of Duty… which in effect amounts to… erm… nothing of any real purpose.

I need to make changes; I know this.

They say you can quit anything if you want to; but what happens when you don’t want to? Even if you know it’s essential? So, this is where I find myself.

A job is required; I need to earn money as the foundation for my career. Once I’ve got enough money to afford a deposit on private accommodation, I could theoretically begin the next chapter of my life. Perhaps the finance issue is myself subconsciously finding another excuse to put my life on hold?

I need a job, and I need to work on personal work for my portfolio. I need willpower, Christ give me strength!!

And once more, my recurring fear of failure kicks in.

Reflective Like a Mirror

 So University is over; my excuse for a carefree life has expired.

The academic chapter is complete, and in a little over a week my graduation ceremony will mark the definitive end of an era. Twenty two years culminating in a 2.1 degree in Computer Games Design.

Until now, I’d had such aspirations and dreams; however now the time has arrived for me to apply my academic success to a career path, I find that I am thoroughly demotivated. In short, I can’t be arsed.

Personally I know that I am capable of great things; I have unlimited potential for success, yet I’d rather drink or sleep the days away. Perhaps I hyped up my dream career to the point that it’s unattainable; and now I reluctantly accept this fact, and subconsciously steer myself away from the inevitable disappointment that pursuing the elegant plan I had for my life offers?

I maintain the facade in company, discussing with great enthusiasm my delusions of grandeur. But the truth is, for now at least, I just want a simple life. I’d be happy to fade into black with the rest; never standing out, just another face in the crowd. I fear moving on, leaving all I know behind. I’m not ready for the big bad world; not ready to be chewed up and spat out by companies that seek to abuse the expendable pawns of the industry; ergo, me.

Disgusted, I live now hating who I am letting myself become. I was never the person who would settle for second place, but now I’m in a dark place where I feel that first place is a mirage; unobtainable. I don’t want to be the celebrity anymore.

:’(