2011 was a mess. Pure and simple. Talk about almost destroying your life in 12 months… I fell in with the wrong crowd, and ran myself into the ground on a self destruct mission.
It started with a Marijuana addiction I carried through from 2010 and alcoholism, I would get home from work and just smoke a blunt and chill with my mate Cunnie. It was routine, it was carefree. Nothing mattered sat there in a hazy state; it suppressed any stress.
I had began dabbling in other drugs, namely Cocaine, and experimented with a few others like M-Kat, Ecstasy, MDMA, Amphetamine and Ketamine. I wasn’t an addict to begin with, it was something I’d do just to pass the time; to stem the boredom.
I began getting heavier into Cocaine around April with my mate JB, to the point where I couldn’t go for a night out without craving the white powder in my system. I took out a £5,000 loan in advance ready for moving out of my parents house, but I ended up spending most of it on Cocaine, feeding my growing addiction. I started moving in different circles, surrounding myself with people who embraced the fast lifestyle that Class A’s provided. I’d say that by June I was a frequent user.
I flew the nest at the end of July, moved into my own place. Swore I’d make a change. Told myself things would be different. I’d pretty much quit Marijuana at this point, I had no interest in it. The Cocaine was the issue now, I couldn’t go a week without wanting the high, the buzz. I started to move away from it though, told myself I could get past it if I just ostracised myself from the crowd.
August came and a close friend committed suicide, he hung himself and I lost my head trying to accept it. His name was Chunk, he would’ve been my brother in law if my engagement to my ex-fiancée had been actioned. I fell back into the loop, subduing myself in alcohol and narcotics funded with a £1,500 credit card. The Cocaine addiction reared its ugly head once more. I went to Creamfields and abused heavily, taking MDMA, Ecstasy, M-Kat and Cocaine in a 2 day binge. I can’t lie, the escape was immense, completely out of my face and not a care in the world. I came back from Creamfields and told myself once more that I was stopping all the foolishness and cut up my credit card.
September came and I took out a £8,000 loan to consolidate my debt from the £5,000 loan and the £1,500 credit card. A girl I’d dated in 2009 called Tammy had an epileptic fit and drown in her bath at home. I paid off the credit card, but then managed to spend the remainder of the loan namely on Cocaine as I slipped back into that mentality of needing to suppress everything.
October followed suit, I continued to abuse regularly, content now that this is who I had become through circumstances. From losing Chunk, and then Tammy, I felt that the world was always going to kick me whenever I got back up and as such, there was no point bothering. I went to see Ed Sheeran at Keele University with JB on the 16th and don’t remember much of the night due to Cocaine use. I went to my works Halloween party after smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine with my friend Machin and resultantly don’t recall most of the night. I remember only being sat outside the Britannia Stadium being violently sick before getting a taxi home at 23:30.
November came, and I had a new focus in my life, a girl called Mariie. She was the apple of my eye and I swore to change for the better. I started to find optimism once more in a brighter future. Then just as I was finding my head again, life thought it was necessary to take another person from me. My brother in law Ricky, my sister Stacey’s husband hung himself too. Three people in four months had been taken from me. I turned back to the Cocaine once more as a coping mechanism.
As December started me and Mariie had become closer, and I began to push everyone else away, but I had one more lesson to learn. We made our relationship official on the 11th, the same night I went to my works Christmas party. I took Cocaine, and Ecstacy, and then ended up back at my friends house where I sampled Methoxetamine (rhino strength Ketamine). What ensued was 19hrs of recovering, as I struggled to speak, walk and function. Mariie was supposed to have picked me up from Hanley around 1am, but instead I staggered back through my front door at midday the following afternoon. Justifiably Mariie was far from impressed. I almost fucked it all up on the first night we’d become an item. I look back at this single incident as the defining moment where I opened my eyes and accepted that I was off the rails. I accepted the drugs had taken control. I swore to myself and Mariie at that point that all the stupidity was over. I was exhausted of the lifestyle, of the devastation left in my wake. I didn’t like who I’d become; every mirror I looked into stared back with a look of resentment. I swore to quit it all.
Me and Mariie began to settle, discussed a future together. We planned a child; she could see I was making a change for us. From the 11th onwards I had one hiccup alone in December which was over Christmas with JB where I had a couple of lines of Cocaine just to ease the night along. I felt disgusted at myself. I had been so proud of myself for stopping all that bullshit stupidity I once embraced. I was honest with Mariie, told her what had happened – she was disappointed but seemed understanding. From where I’d come from, hiccups were inevitable. You can’t cold turkey an addiction overnight. We celebrated New Year together, I declined my friends invite to a house party as I knew that social environment would provoke drug abuse. New Year’s Eve was the best night out I’d had in years; it was nice to be around good people who I didn’t need to sedate myself to enjoy their company.
Moving into the New Year I swore that I would stick to my guns and stay off the drugs. People noticed a change in me, family, friends and work colleagues said I seemed a lot more laid back; more in control and focused. I began to make progress away from the lifestyle I’d led for the previous 18 months, finding reassurance in my relationship with Mariie. I didn’t need anyone else, with her beside me I was invincible – comfortable, relaxed, and at peace with myself. My low self esteem was fading, a sense of identity and purpose prevalent.
Toward the end of January life decided to throw me yet another curveball, just as we were planning for Mariie to move in with me, she said she didn’t feel she was ready for the commitment of a relationship. It had been 7 weeks of bliss and promise that she was ready to brush aside as if it stood for nothing. I tried to convince her to have some faith in us, but she said that she couldn’t do it anymore. We hadn’t argued or fell out, she’d just seemingly lost interest. We’d moved too fast. It was over. The last week of January was a blur. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I wasn’t used to solitude and I’d pushed everyone away in my bid to get clean. And now Mariie had left me too. I was alone, and when I’m alone I overanalyse and think too much. Silence echoes loudest they say.
It was the end of January, Me and Mariie were still on speaking terms and friends, just a little awkward sometimes due to the past. Cue the positive pregnancy test. That’s right, Mariie was pregnant with my child, and we were no longer an item. The one thing I’d always sworn to do properly was now out of my hands. I’d fucked up a lot in my life, but I’d always sworn that when I brought a child into the world that it would be on my terms, when I was financially, emotionally and mentally stable; when I was settled with the Mother, ready to be a proper family. Now I had to swallow hard and accept the prospect of being a weekend Dad.
It was time for my journey to Fatherhood to begin.
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