Love

I’ve always looked for love in all the wrong places, seeking broken spirits that I hoped I could save. I felt that was all I needed, because if I could fix a broken heart then my life would have served a purpose. If I could be the reason one girl smiled in the morning, then I couldn’t be that bad of a person.

I guess I used love as affirmation of who I was - I wielded it as a sword to protect me from my own darkest emotions, and as a shield to comfort me when I disliked my own reflection. I believe that only a girl as broken as me could ever understand me, or appreciate me - that only someone as damaged as I am could relate, accept or empathise.

I have surrendered trying to be the hero, I have discarded my sword and shield - I know now that I am far too damaged to save anybody else since it took every ounce of strength I had just to save myself.

Boredom and loneliness are the worst reasons for a relationship and yet I realise now, these are the main reasons we naively seek love. We see the world around us, the illusion of every other happy couple, and moreover the fairy tales that Hollywood spoon feeds us - and we yearn to experience this magic, seeking it so relentlessly we mistake lust, or convince ourselves of it’s presence.

I miss the memory of love, but in a world where memories are rose tinted, reality is forever doomed to falter to expectations.

Love is a dream, but sooner or later, we all wake up.

I’ll settle for my memories.

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