It's been a very long time since I last updated you all, since October 2018 in fact. I wonder if anybody is still here, if anybody still reads my journey and finds any solace in my past observations? Regardless, I'll post this here for anyone who cares.
I'll be forthcoming out of the gate and admit that my sobriety regrettably did not survive intact for the entire duration of my hiatus. That being said, I find some comfort in the fact that I have currently been clean for over 2yrs once again, and the occasion that broke my run was a single mistaken blip.
I'm always the first to raise my hands and take accountability for my mistakes; taking ownership is an instrumental part of recovery. You cannot pass the buck when it comes to your shortcomings. I fucked up; lockdown ended, and I went out to celebrate the return of my freedoms. I convinced myself I "deserved it", like it was a "reward" for my patience and endurance through a difficult period. Was it worth it? Of course not, it never is. You romanticise it, build it up in your mind with rosy retrospection, and then it always disappoints leaving you guilty, depressed, and back to Day One of your sobriety clock.
That said, once again I've been clean from cocaine for a significant time, and again I believe that this time it's for good. I've actually gone one further this time, as I'm currently clean from nicotine since New Year (7 months) and also alcohol since April (4 months). I admittedly do not expect the latter to last permanently, however quitting vaping has given me a renewed admiration for my own willpower.
I hope all of you are fighting the good battle, and that your demons are quiet today.
Stay strong. Sobriety is just staying clean today - then repeating that every day.
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