DD #37

There is some shit I should discuss with ya but I canna be arsed. Ya know, like the fact my stitches came out 2day n the fact I don't gots an infection. Ya see, 2day I'm in a 'cudn't give a flying monkey shit' mood. I'm just high on life so talking about all the depressing bullshit just adds a downer to my day. I feel like spilling my fucking sad pathetic heart out through this pen but I can't ya know wot I'm saying?

Things get on ya balls n blag ya head but at the end of the day, u still u. Ya have days where no-one feels ya shit and u just mumble dumb shit all day, n u have days where ya low and depressed n vulnerable n whimpering on bout how you want ya bitch back n'all but ya gots to stick all the depressing bullcrap at the back of ya head and get the motivation to keep going and not give up. Not necessarily bottle it up but just don't wussy out like a pussywhipped bitch.

Have ya ever felt like letting it all out but you don't dunna no how 2 put it? Well that's called Ben's Block. I have 24-7. Yo I can't put it down raw and plain, that ain't ma style. I need to chill out with ma homies right now. I don't need a bitch. Ah always go on bout lovin' Steph n all that weak shit but thats not necessarily cuz ah luv her. It's cuz I'm feeling weak and ah just want 2 cuddle up to sum1. Yo like what up y'all n all that other shit like but in ma hood all eyes on ya. You show 1 sign of weakness and u be torn 2 pieces dog.

U have days where you wanna just release all ya pent up aggression. U wanna just go out n get in a fite so u can pummel the shit outta sum poor innocent fucka who don't even no wot he dun wrong. U like "hey u" n wen he looks atcha u like "wot ya lookin at? U try'n be cheeky?" Ah mean, slim down dogg. Ah don't need no damn pill or drug to go off on one but ah cud do wit some booze ya know - a couple of shots of whisky wud go down a treat. Yo if I ever publish this if I cum famous n'all. I wonder if it'd be branded like a video, or a porno mag, or a cassette...

I could list like over 500 people (girls/women) I'd fuck. Embarrassment is worse than death in itself. At least when you dead you got ya pride. When you wishin you could just sink into the floor your just pissed.

I'm tired but fuck bed. I'm stayin' up for a while longer. This pen's got ink n this books got pages to fill - I want to look back on this book as a symbol of my youth. Damn right there's some shit I regret - fucking Charlene - prime example.

I just wanna spread colour 2 the pages of this book but when I don't know what 2 do I just write Steph is fit. I couldn't ever say I hate her - in fact I think shes cute. I'd love to fuck her raw on the floor or on d bed, up a wall, in a bath, over a fridge, or in a lift but I know it ain't goin' happen. The way I feel is that she don't understand how much I love her. The one thing I can think what would show her how much she means to me would be to die for her.

My homie Webb - wonder how he's doin. He's probs chillin with a bit of porno on beating his shit but like I don't wanna go there. I feel like adding a bit of colour - let's improvise

Like fuck? That's the best I can come up with? Man that's lame. But it gave me time to think.

There are a lotta sick twisted psychotic motha fuckas out in da world. It's hard to tell if you perverted. Is wanting to fuck some bird perverted? Would watching her undress through her window be perverted? Is thinking about her all the time bad?

Fear is the next subject. If you ever scared - don't be - think. What is there to be scared about? Now this is gonna sound psychotic but this is my view. If I got told a huge meteor was heading towards Earth and I was gonna die - I wouldn't be that upset, let alone scared. What is there to be scared of? If you die, you die - (like no shit). What I mean is, if you gonna die - there's not a lot you can do about it. Get over it. You might aswell enjoy your last few hours than try to run off from the meteor.

Pain + Fear are 2 peas in a pod. They go together. Think about all your fears - they all based around pain. Your scared of pain? What's there to be scared of... Nothing. So get over it.