Brutal Honesty

 There is so much I want to say to you, but I simply don’t have the courage.

You’ve been a huge part of me for so long; my first ever love, the only girl who has held a piece of my heart for as long as I remember. We were so perfect, and my fondest childhood memories all involve you. 

You gave me the sweetest memories, the most precious times. You’ve been my security since forever, the one I always run back to - the one girl who can make me fall apart whenever she so chooses. But we’ve changed. I accept I changed first - I fell into a bad crowd, I got into drugs, I never made time for you and whenever I tried you pushed me away because of the lifestyle I led. And we grew apart. I realise now how shit of me that was, how inconsiderate and how much I failed you, how much I failed us. I fought to get myself back on the right track, back to who I used to be. And it wasn’t easy, but I finally succeeded. I made it back, but it was too late. I’d already lost you. 

You changed. It was inevitable really. After all the times you’d judged me, it was you who ended up leading the very same lifestyle that you’d rejected me for. You started lying to avoid seeing me, to get out of us spending time together. I never confronted you about it, but I couldn’t let it go - after everything, I was too observant and analytical. I know a few times for sure, but suspect more times than I can prove. You were supposed to be coming to see me but never turned up. The next day you said you’d left your phone at the gym, locked inside a locker where nobody could access it, and had your phone locked so nobody could get on it. You said you hadn’t picked it up until 18:00. At 14:00 you the same day someone logged into your Whatsapp from your phone.

Tonight you’d planned to come see me, but said the bus never turned up when you’d been waiting at the bus stop for over an hour… I was waiting for you at the bus stop where you should have got off and the bus came past when it should have, which means you lied about it not turning up. I guess what I’m saying is that I realise now… it’s over. We’re over. There is no future for us, because we both let our relationship die. We let our friendship die. 

I’m not blaming you, but I’m not taking the blame either. I’m merely acknowledging the facts. I love you. I’ll always love you. But I’m done with waiting for you, praying we can be what we once were. 

Everything has changed. Nothing is right anymore. It’s time to leave our happiness as nothing more than a beautiful memory in my past. I can’t bear to taint my memory of us anymore. It hurts to think less of you :’( xo