Saturday, 31 December 2016

Content Consumption 2016

Here is my mandatory review of the last year in preparation for 2017: Some good stuff happened, some bad stuff happened, and life continued regardless. Half full glass, half empty glass, either way you've got half a glass of alcohol. Raise a toast to 2017 being a good year for all of us, polish off that half glass, refill it and have a good night.

I don't do NY Resolutions as such, but next year I need to change something majorly in my life, because I have lost interest in pretty much everything besides my kids, my family and my job. As I sit here alone looking at old photos and sipping cognac, I realise that friendships that once meant the world to me have faded away and never really been replaced. I realise I have grown so used to isolation that I have no real interest in social events anymore, and no desire for a relationship or intimacy either. The longer I spend in solitude, the more I convince myself I don't need anyone else and my introversion cements further. It's unhealthy. I have sacrificed so much to avoid heartache that I am emotionally numb to almost everything. I understand it all perfectly; I can see how my choices and decisions over the past decade have orchestrated this outcome. The heavy abuse of alcohol and drugs, the subsequent changes in my social circles and loss of good friends, the road to recovery which I handled by isolating myself further, and then the introduction of Ilysha into my life and the further alienation resulting from prioritising her above all else. I have done such a good job of shielding myself from hurt, that I push people away or fail to keep them in the fold, then use it as affirmation when they fade away that I am better off alone. It doesn't even faze me these days, I just cross them off the imaginary list in my head like "there goes another one, oh well, nothing new there". As a coping mechanism I simply bury myself further in my work, or rely too heavily on Ilysha and Charlie for a sense of fulfillment and purpose. To all the friends I've grown apart from, I am sorry for neglecting our friendships; and to any females I've let close, only to then push hard away, I am sorry for not feeling secure enough to let down my guard fully. The problems really are mine; it's the person I've let myself become over the last decade. There is a beautiful strength and freedom in isolation, but also a chasm of emptiness and numbness that eats away behind closed doors.

It's been an odd year from the global highlights of Pokemon Go, Killer Clowns, Toblerone, self installing Windows 10, Samsungs exploding Note 7, the Zika virus, Brexit, Trump, McGregor, Honey G, Scarlett Moffatt, Top Gear, Syria, Westworld, Stranger Things, Negan... to that horrendous list of celebrity departures including Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, Terry Wogan, Victoria Wood, David Gest, Ronnie Corbett, magician Paul Daniels, Father Jack off Father Ted, Maester Aemon Targaryen, Manuel off Fawlty Towers, Nana and Denise off Royle Family, Princess Leia, Willy Wonka, Severus Snape, Pete Burns, Leonard Cohen, the dude who invented Red Solo Cups, and the guy who invented Kinder Eggs... plus in my own world we had the tragic loss of Kayden which is more influential than any other name on the list... here is hoping that 2017 brings less heartbreak and headaches, and that next New Year we can reflect under more positive circumstances ♥ - all the best for 2017 everyone, friends, family and strangers alike ♥

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