14th
After months of planning, making lists, and spending a small fortune - the day arrived 🥳 Staylew picked us up around 11am and we set off for the airport, swinging by Maccies on the way 🍟 There was a small flight diversion due to headwinds causing us to head west over Ireland, otherwise relatively smooth flight and transfer 🛫 Arrive at the hotel and have to rush for food as we only have 20-mins before it closes 🍴 Lysh broke the bathroom door as it came off it's runner 😅 Had a nosy around the hotel site, popped the bar for a drink... then back in the room, Lysh has a spontaneous nose bleed ffs 🩸 We got a whopping 5hrs sleep on the first night... 🥱
15th
First proper day, we went balls to the wall and fucked it 😐 started off well, we were in the main pool at 9am whilst it was still in shade, living the dream 🤿 all morning in the main pool and the lazy river and 'piscina' pool with the little fuck watching us closely ➡🌞 grabbed some light lunch, got sorted and at ~13:30 we headed down to Los Cristianos beach 🌊 Lysh was adamant she wanted get washed away in the sea by running to the edge of rocks where waves were crashing and erupting into the air 😳 headed down to the proper beach, all fun and games except for Lysh getting absolutely wiped out by a wave at one point resulting in a 2nd nose bleed 🩸 there was some bloke who looked about 80 oiled up to the point of borderline translucence, wearing a g-string, and at one point he rolled over and a bollock hung out 🤢 equally disturbing was a pair of messes wandering around topless, whose stomach's looked like burgers 🍔 that kept wandering around Lysh whilst I was recording her, then staring at me like I was perving on them 😐 when we left the beach, we realised this fuck ➡🌞 had been really focusing on us... Lysh was distraught, her Hot Tunas were full of sand which we struggled to get out, she wanted to wash a sandy towel off which I said was counterintuitive as you can get dry sand off it easier which led to a strop 🚿 we nipped into some bar for a 0% beer and a mocktail 🍺 then we nearly got ran over by taxi on zebra crossing 😤 the sunburn began to really come through once we got back so we went in the pool hoping to soothe it somewhat 🥵 we spent the night curled up watching Nimona on Netflix 🤳🏼 then popped down the bar for a drink and to see what entertainment was on 🍸
On our second day, we were booked into Siam Park from 10am 🐉 I'd already consulted reception to ascertain the options for getting there - apparently there would be a free shuttle bus from outside the hotel at 09:30 🚌 had a small argument with Lysh because she announced she couldn't wear her Hot Tunas as they had sand in from yesterday, meaning we'd have to waste money on a new pair of water shoes because of a bit of sand 🙄 so we headed out to the bus stop at 09:20... fuck my life. We were both sore from sunburn, the morning sun was baking down, flies kept landing on Lysh causing her to get very irritable and tetchy... so by 10:10 we gave up waiting on the free bus and went back to the hotel to order a taxi instead 🤬 10-minutes and €10 later, we were at Siam Park, quickly learning they had sold out of Fast Passes already 🤬 there were queues fucking everywhere - literally, everywhere you turned, boom, another queue. We needed a locker and had to wait 30-mins in a queue for that. Slather on sun-cream. Then queue for replacement water shoes and a lanyard. It was 11:30 before were even in the position to find a ride to go on... 🤯 and there the fun continued, everywhere was rammed and baking in midday heat thanks to this fucker again ➡🌞 we ended up in the Wave Palace which Lysh really enjoyed despite getting nose bleed #3 🩸 she had a quick go on The Lost City too, and I got told off for going down a slide (didn't clearly say adults were not allowed) 🤔 we got in queue for the Mai Thai River and within 5-mins Lysh had noped out and walked off saying she was going back in the Wave Palace 😐 after lunch I managed to convince her to queue for the Mai Thai River which turned out to be largely pointless since it was like rush hour on a motorway, with everyone crammed in together, gridlocked with feet in your face, minimal movement, and to top it off, at the end it split into two paths which were not marked and we ended up getting off the ride at the halfway point as we'd taken the wrong path... 🙄 back in the Wave Palace we met great other guests, highlights included a blonde lad I'd spoken to in the queue outside who was from Crewe and was asking if I smoke weed or if I fancy going for a Stella... a lad who reminded me of James Vyse with a chip on his shoulder, constantly necking some bird, gobbing in the pool next to other people, and then when the waves were active, trying to jump across aggressively at a bloke who'd taken offense and vocally acknowledged his shitty attitude and disregard for others... and finally some random Dad who bollocked a group of ~8 teens who he accused of "jumping fist first" toward his daughter when the waves were crashing down 😬 as we left the park, I got stitched up for a €25 dragon teddy and a €6 magnet, then stood outside in the baking sun trying to find a way back to the hotel - after failing to get a taxi over the phone, or get the Uber App set up, we waited in a public hire taxi queue with a Scottish family who were getting involved with some woman who queue jumped with a sob story, and their daughter was as sunburned as Lysh and looked equally miserable... 🥵 living the fucking dream! By the time we got back to the hotel and grabbed some food, it was late and we spent the night frustrated and sunburned 🤒
[Tripadvisor Review]
17th
We awoke pained and distressed 😣 Lysh was on Roblox and I made the calculated decision to risk a Maddy McCann and leave her in the room whilst I popped out to get painkillers 🏃🏼♂️ I'd already spoke with reception who had told me you had to go a Farmacia as painkillers are regulated medicine and cannot be bought OTC in Spain 🤯 I headed down, and after consulting with a tourist information booth, managed to find Blesa Farmacia on Blvr. Chajofe 🙌🏼 stood in queue waiting to be served when a local family came in, walked past and took a ticket from a machine - realised at this point there was a ticketing system like a fucking MacDonald's collection point! 🙄 finally got served and bought some paracetamol and ibuprofen for €9 😑 I got back the hotel and we spent a lazy day in the shade recovering from our sunburn. We went down Strelitzia Bar and played some Subsoccer, we played Roblox together in the room, and when the sun had disappeared we ventured out for some fresh air and chilled on the loungers 🌚 had a video call with Staylew 🤳🏼 and the Lysh facetimed Ree (which helped put her at ease over Lysh's wellbeing which had caused her concern 😫) and showed her round the entire hotel complex 🤗
18th
Thanks to painkillers, Lysh felt comfortable enough to venture out during the day today 😁 we ventured down the local shop for Takis, Chips Ahoy, and Calypso 🍪 played some more Subscoccer in Strelitzia ⚽ and then with lots of SPF50 and a t-shirt under her swimming costume, we risked getting back into the pools! 🌞 since I'd confirmed the lanyard was waterproof at Siam Park, Lysh got to take her iPhone into the pool to make some transitions 🤳🏼 massive relief that we seemed to be salvaging the holiday after the trauma of sunburn! Had a fun afternoon in the pool, then went in for some food 🍴 I then had to hair dry Lysh's bedding because she had sat on her bed soaking wet after swimming earlier 😂 but tbh I was not even arsed, because at least we'd had a good day! 🥰 Lysh chilled on Roblox, and I popped down to grab her some popcorn from the mini-disco, grabbed a Shirley Temple mocktail and a 0% beer and went back the room to relax 🍻
19th
A day that began with smiles got us off to a great start 😄 then after breakfast, Lysh kept saying "no" whilst I was trying to discuss the best approach to avoid sunburn, then went sulking into the bathroom when I lost my temper 🙄 She then came back out and announced she'd broke the plug and I had to go to reception and ask them send a janitor out 😂 SPF50 and t-shirt under swimming costume once more, we went back out into the pools with Lysh's newly bought water guns 😎🔫 when we got back to the room from swimming, the plug had been fixed 🤗 that was when we realised how bad our sunburn was peeling - I mean, it was REALLY peeling... 😳 I warned Lysh that adding moisture would help reduce the peeling but that after-sun had stung mine, so she cautiously applied aloe-vera gel which stung her equally bad 😩 I then playfully blasted her with the hair-dryer which resulted in a meltdown because it turns out, that the heat really hurts sunburn 😖 we spent the night on Roblox again relaxing in the room 😌
20th
Woke up with pounding headache and struggling to breathe - popped 2x paracetamol immediately 💊 discovered that someone (presumably the janitor who fixed the sink) had turned our air-con down to the lowest setting 🙄 after breakfast I went to speak with reception about what happens on our last day re: access to all-inclusive/restaurants 👨🏼💼 Lysh said she'd wait by the elevator, then that she'd wait at the bottom of the elevator - after 10 minutes of searching for her, she admitted she'd decided to wait halfway between the elevator and pool (not where had been agreed, then had been on missions looking for me, whilst I was on missions looking for her) 🤬 spent another fun day in the pools, we went grab her floaty at one point too 🥽 then another night ended with us on Roblox together in the hotel room 🛌🏼
21st
Woke up on the last day to find half my sunburned scalp and shoulders had flaked off over the bed - grim 😐 Lysh did not want to bother using the pools on our last day because she couldn't be arsed with getting wet, getting dried, changed etc after 😕 after breakfast, I did the Resort Flight Check-In, then we chilled in the room until midday when we had to check-out 👋🏼 then we spent all day lounging around indoors of the hotel; we went down Strelitzia for a bit but Lysh found it too noisy and stuffy... we went out to the sofas but she wasn't a fan of there either... finally she got comfortable in the reception seating area 🙌🏼 bonus, there were USB-A charger ports there... but of course they wouldn't charge my Pixel 7 Pro 🙄 I ended up finding some proper plug sockets in an electric scooter charging area and pitched up there for a bit 🔌 time rocked around and it was time to depart on the transfer 🚌 the airport back home was dumb - massive queue for passport control to get to the boarding gates, then staff who did not know what they were doing once we arrived at the gate 😒 Lysh had bought some Almond Milka chocolate for the flight - then they announced someone onboard had a nut allergy so we had to spend another £4 buying some snacks off the cabin crew instead 🙄 but the flight went smooth and we got back to England safely after 3hrs of playing Toca Boca 😂 we came through customs to find Terry & Stace waiting for us in the Arrivals Lounge 🥰 and then we headed back home with mixed feelings of our time in Tenerife 🔚
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