Monthly Musings: May 2013

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Letters to Ilysha #4

 Dear Ilysha,

I didn't get to see you this weekend. I didn't get to see you, and it broke my heart again.

I had waited impatiently all week, eager to see you, and hold you, and play with you, and cuddle you once more. I was calling Friday Christmas Eve, because when I get to see you the next day it really feels like Christmas - like the best present I ever could receive. So I went to bed on Friday night and I lay just looking at a photo of you, smiling at the thought of having you in my arms the next morning. I fell asleep and awoke with a massive grin on my face, this was it, I'd get to see you soon. I got showered and ready, all excited about seeing you. But then I heard my phone ringing, and my heart sank. It's hard to explain, but without even answering it, without even seeing the name on the screen - I just knew inside it was going to be bad news. I just knew it was going to involve me not seeing you.

I got off the phone to the Contact Centre, and I just sat down. Deflated. Defeated. It was like waking up on Christmas Day and not having any presents. No Christmas Dinner. No company. Just an empty hollow feeling that couldn't be filled with positive thoughts alone. Your Mummy text me and confirmed what Contact had already advised me. They said you weren't very well, that you had an ear infection and hadn't been sleeping very well - that you and Mummy were both exhausted. I was reluctant to believe it, my first thought was that Mummy was just trying to hurt me again - to upset me the easiest way she knew how, by keeping you from me.

I shook the thought. I didn't want to believe that Mummy would do that now - not now when we'd been getting on and seemingly putting our differences behind us. Other people began to suggest it, sowing the seeds of doubt I'd tried so hard to make wither. I dismissed them. Surely Mummy wouldn't fake you being ill - I told myself over and over that Mummy wouldn't stoop that low. But then she did stop me seeing you for almost 6 months with no remorse, so it's not such an unjustified initial reaction I guess.

I've been thinking of you all the more tonight Princess Ilysha. Daddy texted Mummy at around 7pm and asked if you'd improved any - whether you and Mummy were feeling any better yet. I know you need your Mummy too, and I don't like the thought of either of you being unwell - Mummy can't look after you properly if she is poorly, and I want you to be cared for with undivided attention and unconditional love. It's almost midnight now, and Mummy hasn't replied to Daddy yet. Daddy just prays you are feeling better, even if he can't be there to comfort you how he wants to be.

I'm counting down the days again my beautiful little angel, counting down to having you back with me where you belong once more. The days are dragging and it seems like forever since I last saw you. But Daddy is being patient - he's staying focused on what matters. He is praying that he gets to see you this weekend, your pretty blue eyes, your cheeky little smile. He's wishing on every star in the sky that he can hold you, make you laugh and giggle, and feel the same way he always does when he's with you... proud, happier than any other day of the week, and invincible.

I love you Ilysha, with all of my heart. You're Daddy's little Princess, his little angel. His everything.

I'll see you as soon as I possibly can beautiful.

Daddy x x x

Letters to Ilysha #3

Dear Ilysha,

Lately I can't stop thinking about you. More than usual.

I thought that seeing you would make things easier, that it would make me miss you less - but instead every second we spend together makes me miss you all the more every second that we are apart.

You are the best thing in your Daddy's life, you are the rainbow after every rainstorm, the dawn after every dusk, and the light at the end of every tunnel. I live for the moments we spend together, those magical couple of hours that make every other day of the week worthwhile.

My life had a big empty space in it until you were born, no direction and no purpose - I was simply existing. Since your birth, I feel alive for the first time, and I know why I'm on this Earth. I'm here to look after you and protect you. To love you and raise you. I'm here to spoil you and to help you be the perfect little Princess you are. Daddy's little angel.

I catch myself daydreaming about the future - a future I never used to believe in. I imagine seeing you cut your first tooth, seeing you walk for the first time, and hearing you call me Dada. I imagine you waking up in the morning and me making us breakfast, I imagine tucking you up at night and singing you lullabies, and I imagine getting up in the night to give you your bottle. I love the thought of taking you to the park, going to the zoo, the museum and the fair. I imagine teaching you how to write, how to ride a bike, teaching you to swim. I love the thought of picking you up from school and of hearing about your day. I can't wait to be that proud Daddy at Parents Evening's and at Sports Days, telling everyone "that's my little Princess" with the biggest proudest smile on my face. I want to be there when you have your heartbroken for the first time to wipe those tears away, I want to be there to walk you down the aisle when you meet that special someone - I want to be there every step of your life, through every moment, proud to call you my own. My daughter. My Princess.

I can't wait for you to meet my little Godson Charlie, he's going to be like a brother to you when you're bigger - I already know you're going to love each other so much, because you're both perfect. My own little boy and girl - my Soldier and my Princess. Daddy loves both of you so much, the two of you absolutely complete him. It's so cute hearing him say your name - he always asks about you, where you are and why he can't see you. He's too young to understand the truth, so I just tell him you're with Mummy and he'll get to see you soon. He is so excited to meet you, always picking toys he thinks you'd like. It makes your Daddy both happy and sad at the same time.

Daddy loves you so much Ilysha, nothing will ever change that. From the first time I held you in the hospital on the night you were born, I knew there is nothing I wouldn't do for you - no price I wouldn't pay to keep you safe, happy and protected. I will climb every mountain, swim every sea, fight anyone in the world that I have too. I find some comfort knowing that you won't remember me not being around, and I'm so grateful that we've got all the time in the world to see each other now, that I get to be there for you all the time now. I've been here all along, even when you couldn't see me. And I'm going nowhere Princess.

Love you all the world and more.

Daddy x x x

Anotha B: Immortal

Letters to Ilysha #2

Dear Ilysha,

Today I got to see you again.

Me and Mummy met in canteen area of the Centre today at around quarter to 10. I sat down with you and Mummy scolded me because you kept looking at me smiling instead of eating your breakfast. Mummy was feeding you a little bowl of puree for your breakfast, and then some yoghurt. When you'd finished eating you had yoghurt all round your mouth and even some on your nose, little mucky pup hehe! Mummy said you were tired today because your toothypegs had been keeping you up so I was expecting you to be a bit more niggly than last week. You had your bottle of juice but kept letting it just hang out your mouth, gripping the teat with your gums like "Look Mummy no hands!" We walked into the contact area together at ten o'clock and you were peering out the pram at me smiling and giggling cause I was pulling faces and playing peek-a-boo over Mummy's shoulder

We signed in, then went into the play area and Mummy got you out of the pram. She sat you on her knee and you reached for me instantly. Daddy didn't need no more encouragement to scoop you up and hold you! Mummy passed me a soft toy snake that you like, with crinkly patches, and it played music when you squeezed it's nose. You kept giggling, but lost interest pretty quickly. We had a little cuddle but you were very distracted by your surroundings, you kept gazing at the other children and adults, fascinated by what they were doing.

I carried you over and picked up the playmat you liked last week, before anyone else could steal it from us hehe. I sat down on the floor with you and lay you under the swinging ball. You were giggling, reaching for the ball again. You were very active until you started getting tired, kicking your legs enthusiastically and gurgling. 

I sat you up against between my legs and pulled the playmat up over your lap so you could reach all the bits and pieces. You were suckling on the crinkly leafs again, and kept turning to smile at me. I reached over and picked up a toy that played music - that was it, I'd opened a can of worms! You kept bashing the buttons, playing different songs and wiggling along to the sounds. You'd alternate between the toys, as soon as one became boring you'd play with a different one. It was amazing to see how observant you were, studying all the buttons and different colours, turning the toys over in your hands examining them.

Mummy went to the toilet and left us alone, and in true irony, at just that moment another child tried to pass you a toy and bumped it against your head. I was terrified you were about to burst into tears, but I comforted you and cuddled you wiggling and you were fine. I passed you the toy, it was abacus kinda thing with different coloured shapes and beads that slid along a maze of rails. I saw it had a mirror on it, and your Mummy had told me yesterday that you were vain like me and loved looking at your reflection hehe. We were playing with the abacus, but then you grabbed my finger really tightly and pulled my arm around you so you could examine my skin. You were stroking my fingers, and patting my arm. You kept turning and smiling at me, then putting your face against my arm feeling he textyre of my skin against your cheek. It was so sweet. Every time I pulled my arm away a little, you'd pull it back by my finger and giggle. Adorable.

I needed the toilet so Mummy watched you for a few moments until I came back, then she sat back again and left us to play together. I lay you back down on the playmat and once more you wanted to play with the musical toy. Mummy was shaking her head, she said noisy toys get annoying after a while but that you love them. I wasn't going to spoil our fun, so I kept letting you play tunes much to your amusement. I took the frame off the top of the playmat and leaned over you looking down into your pretty blue eyes. You looked back, smiling and chuckling as I made faces and played peek-a-boo from behind the musical toy. I held your feet and started wiggling you by your legs, that really made you laugh - Mummy told me you had ticklish thighs so I used that to my advantage and you were laughing solidly for a couple of minutes. 

I picked you up and carried you around the room for a bit, lifting you in the air above my head as I remembered you liked from last week. You seemed heavier this week but I think it's just my arms being tired from going to the gym last night. I was flying you around in the air, running around the room whilst you smiled back at me. And then I would lower you so we were face to face and blow raspberrys much to your delight! I lifted you up and blew raspberrys on your tummy and you giggled all the more. We sat down on the bench and played Row Row Your Boat, and you had a little dance in the cute way you do - arms out to the side like an aeroplane and leaning from side to side.

I could tell you were getting a bit tired, cause you kept rubbing your eyes. Mummy went the toilet again and I carried you round in my arms, patting your bum as you gazed back peacefully. You were so calm, not a worry in the world. You seemed like you were about to fall asleep in my arms until another child began making a lot of noise with a carousel toy, and you pulled yourself upright curious to see what it was. Mummy suggested we give you something to eat, so I carried you through the building into another room to fetch the high chair. Mummy waited in the playroom which made Daddy smile that she was letting me spend time with you without feeling the need to intervene.

I carried you and the highchair back into the playroom and Mummy laughed as I struggled to unfold it and set it up whilst balancing you on my hip with one arm! I managed though. I sat you into the seat and Mummy passed you half of a rice biscuit. It smelt awful! You sat sucking on it, drooling everywhere which made me giggle. I sat on the floor next to you and kept peeking up over the edge of the food tray which made you look at me with a raised eyebrow like I was silly hehe. Then you launched the rice biscuit a good metre or so, and looked around proudly which made me laugh. Mummy passed you another piece but it was pretty much the same story - I caught that one 4 times before it landed on the floor and had to go in the bin!

Mummy passed your bottle of juice, and you held it too loosely - so I held it for you whilst you had a drink. You really made me laugh as you kept putting the whole teat in your mouth all the way to the bottom whilst drinking! After you had finished having a drink it was pretty much time to leave. I took your bib off and gave you a wipe, and then I had another few minutes cuddling you walking around with you in my arms. I gave you a kiss and Mummy placed you into the pram. Whilst she fastened you in, I took the high chair back, and then came into see you nod off as she wheeled you back and forth. Me and Mummy signed us out of the Centre and we all walked up to the bus station together. You looked so cute sleeping peacefully.

I helped Mummy carry you up some stairs into the bus station, and then me and Mummy said goodbye, and I had to leave you once more. But I was happy, and thankful to have spent 2 more wonderful hours with the most perfect little Princess I could ever have been gifted.

Daddy loves you Ilysha, and I can't wait to see you again next week x x x

Letters to Ilysha #1

Dear Ilysha,

Today I got to see you again.

I saw you on the bus first, you were in your pram laying peacefully. I had to choke back tears, those big beautiful eyes and that little gummy smile - nothing could've prepared me to see you once more. You were as perfect as I remembered. At the Contact Centre you peered out of your pram at me smiling cheekily as you came into the room where I was waiting. I was so impatient to hold you and so nervous about upsetting you; I was just scared you wouldn't know me anymore.

Your Mummy sat you on the floor leaning against her legs; your big beautiful eyes scouted the area, looking around and finally settling on me. My heart melted all over again. Mummy passed you her keys, and you sat sucking on her keyrings and looking at me inquisitively. I was holding your feet and it must've tickled because you kept giggling and smiling at me. Mummy passed you a blue wrist band and you discarded the keys in favour of sucking and drooling over the wrist band. I went and fetched a small green ball and sat rolling it to you - you kept trying to pick it up in one hand but the ball was too big, and you kept dropping it hehe. I picked it up and juggled it from hand to hand in front of you - you kept following it with your eyes and trying to reach for it. I passed it you and you clutched it with both hands, before trying to eat it hehe :')

I held my hand out and you clutched my thumb; I wrapped my hand around yours and you squeezed tightly. Next you played with a little 4-key coloured piano. I was playing the sounds, and you kept leaning forward and resting your face on the red key. It was so cute and funny :') - the sounds kept you looking around confused and amused trying to figure out where they were coming from. We lay you on a play mat with a blue hanging ball with a bell in it - you kept trying to grab it but your fingertips just brushed the edge. The ball would swing and you'd chuckle and kick your legs, so energetic. I rustled the crinkly flaps on the playmat and you decided you'd quite like to eat them too hehe. As you drooled all over the crinkly flaps, I discovered a button that made the noise of a red clown nose - the noise really amused you, and you'd look at me and giggle every time I pressed it!

I lifted you up and sat you on my knee - Mummy took your socks off and you had a little yellow ankle bracelet on. You were fascinated with my logo on my shirt, and kept stroking it and staring at it. I lifted you up and you rested your head on my shoulder looking up at me smiling. I looked down at you amazed at how perfect you were, and at how welcoming and loving. I stood you upright and looked into your eyes whilst sticking my tongue out - you kept smiling and stroking my cheeks which really made me smile. I cuddled you close and you rested your head on my shoulder and wrapped your arms around my neck hugging me affectionately. I never wanted that moment to end.

I sat you back on my knee and you were looking around at all the other children and adults curiously. But then you looked straight back at me and smiled. A smile meant just for me. I sat you at the playmat and laughed as you wrestled with the ball and used your legs to push the support bars down, which then sprang back up and made you giggle. I needed the toilet so Mummy placed a big cushion behind you - as I came back Mummy was taking you have your bum changed. She brought you back in and you sat on Mummy's knee with your arms reaching out towards me. I picked you up and held you in front of me, smiling uncontrollably at how perfect you are.

Mummy passed you a purple plastic spoon and you began to eat it, drooling every where hehe. I mopped your chin and you giggled at me, looking at me with them big beautiful blue eyes. I lifted you up and kept holding you in the air, you looked down at me chuckling, and grinning as I lifted you high then brought you back down and eskimo kissed your little button nose. I stood up and held you up in the air, carrying you around making airplane noises, and you giggled all the while. I laid you on your back in my arms and looked down at you in awe, as your eyes followed the spotlights on the ceiling. I carried you around the room, holding you up to the lights as you were mesmerized by them, you wouldn't look away.

I passed you back to Mummy as she wanted a little hold, she played Row Row Your Boat and you loved it, but I didn't dare be so rough with you - you seemed so fragile despite being a big girl already. Then Mummy carried you over to a lamp up the corner and turned it on - once more you were fascinated with the lights and kept reaching out for them. We lay you back down on the playmat so Mummy could try give you a little drink out of your bottle and you once more reached up for the ball and wrested with the crinkly flaps - you loved the noise they made. Mummy opened up your dungarees and put some vicks on you whilst you were having a drink, because she said you were a little bit laid up - then she gave you your dummy, with a pretty little clip, with your name on the beads on the cord. I never doubted that Mummy would look after you and spoil you.

We could tell you were getting tired. I picked you up and cradled you against my chest. You rested your head peacefully on my shoulder, once more clutching my neck tightly. I think I hugged you tighter though... :) - I rocked you and danced with you whilst you chuckled to yourself. You kept stroking my face, and I couldn't help but smile every time you did it. Then you'd smile back at me, and I'd have to put your dummy back in as it fell out hehe. I walked around holding you and talking to you whilst you gazed back at me so affectionately. You were very quiet, and Mummy said she thought you were getting tired so I agreed to let her put you in your pram since it was almost time for you to leave. I didn't want you to be upset, or distressed.

Me and Mummy got your little cute white hoody on, but you started crying and Mummy laid you into your pram with little tears running down your cheeks. Mummy pushed you back and forward in the pram, and before long you'd fallen asleep.

I got another little cheeky goodbye though, because you were on the same bus as Daddy when he went home hehe, and you were back awake - as I got off the bus I gave you a little kiss and told you I'd see you soon my little Princess. And then I had to leave you once again, overwhelmed with love, but heartbroken to have to go.

I can't wait to see you again next week Princess, and I love you more than anything.

Daddy <3 x x x