Letters to Ilysha #4

 Dear Ilysha,

I didn't get to see you this weekend. I didn't get to see you, and it broke my heart again.

I had waited impatiently all week, eager to see you, and hold you, and play with you, and cuddle you once more. I was calling Friday Christmas Eve, because when I get to see you the next day it really feels like Christmas - like the best present I ever could receive. So I went to bed on Friday night and I lay just looking at a photo of you, smiling at the thought of having you in my arms the next morning. I fell asleep and awoke with a massive grin on my face, this was it, I'd get to see you soon. I got showered and ready, all excited about seeing you. But then I heard my phone ringing, and my heart sank. It's hard to explain, but without even answering it, without even seeing the name on the screen - I just knew inside it was going to be bad news. I just knew it was going to involve me not seeing you.

I got off the phone to the Contact Centre, and I just sat down. Deflated. Defeated. It was like waking up on Christmas Day and not having any presents. No Christmas Dinner. No company. Just an empty hollow feeling that couldn't be filled with positive thoughts alone. Your Mummy text me and confirmed what Contact had already advised me. They said you weren't very well, that you had an ear infection and hadn't been sleeping very well - that you and Mummy were both exhausted. I was reluctant to believe it, my first thought was that Mummy was just trying to hurt me again - to upset me the easiest way she knew how, by keeping you from me.

I shook the thought. I didn't want to believe that Mummy would do that now - not now when we'd been getting on and seemingly putting our differences behind us. Other people began to suggest it, sowing the seeds of doubt I'd tried so hard to make wither. I dismissed them. Surely Mummy wouldn't fake you being ill - I told myself over and over that Mummy wouldn't stoop that low. But then she did stop me seeing you for almost 6 months with no remorse, so it's not such an unjustified initial reaction I guess.

I've been thinking of you all the more tonight Princess Ilysha. Daddy texted Mummy at around 7pm and asked if you'd improved any - whether you and Mummy were feeling any better yet. I know you need your Mummy too, and I don't like the thought of either of you being unwell - Mummy can't look after you properly if she is poorly, and I want you to be cared for with undivided attention and unconditional love. It's almost midnight now, and Mummy hasn't replied to Daddy yet. Daddy just prays you are feeling better, even if he can't be there to comfort you how he wants to be.

I'm counting down the days again my beautiful little angel, counting down to having you back with me where you belong once more. The days are dragging and it seems like forever since I last saw you. But Daddy is being patient - he's staying focused on what matters. He is praying that he gets to see you this weekend, your pretty blue eyes, your cheeky little smile. He's wishing on every star in the sky that he can hold you, make you laugh and giggle, and feel the same way he always does when he's with you... proud, happier than any other day of the week, and invincible.

I love you Ilysha, with all of my heart. You're Daddy's little Princess, his little angel. His everything.

I'll see you as soon as I possibly can beautiful.

Daddy x x x