Monthly Musings: November 2017

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Whisper: November 2017

04/11/2017 @18:35
My friends wife said she wanted a divorce, broke up with him, slept with his best friend of 15 years and the best man at their wedding, & now says she wants him back...

07/11/2017 @19:05
Interested to hear people's pros and cons of a romantic relationship. I am a cynic and don't understand why people bother with relationships - they just hold you back.

07/11/2017 @19:32
I actively avoid them. I see them as an inconvenience.

07/11/2017 @19:46
I just don't see it. I don't see the benefit - I've had long term relationships before and they never did anything beside bring me drama and stress in the end.

07/11/2017 @20:02
I have people I am very strongly connected too - I just know that labelling it will complicate things and create a sense of ownership and selfishness.

07/11/2017 @22:19
I'm 6ft 2 and fairly stacked, so lifting ain't an issue. Prefer brews I make than other people's. Cuddle up with fwb's. 😂

07/11/2017 @22:20
Almost isn't the same. I have no sense of obligation to them, no requirement of compromise, sacrifice or ownership.

07/11/2017 @23:24
You're raising a gentleman who will get walked all over by women in the modern society. Prepare yourself for a confused son when he gets older and gets treated like an ATM.

08/11/2017 @00:42
Lol, when you assume, you look like an ass. Never happened to me; I just stay aware of the cesspool of modern day feminism.

09/11/2017 @08:30
Athazagoraphobia. The fear of being forgotten.

09/11/2017 @08:58
Yup. The fear that your life is nothing more than another notch on the bedpost of life. Another one it fucked and forgot about.

20/11/2017 @02:14
Trying to find love in the current cesspool of modern age dating.

23/11/2017 @02:09
The fact I have to be up for work in 5hrs.

24/11/2017 @02:08
Turkey's have families too.

Relapse Avoidance #9

So, last night I spent a few hours until 3am trying to provide support for a friend who is trying to break the hold of his addiction. Myself and another friend, let's call him Chess, were offering ideas and suggestions to a mutual friend, Felt.

Felt has suffered many years with drug abuse; his circumstances make it difficult to help him as many of his family members also use recreationally. Myself and Chess both used to indulge alongside Felt, but we've both moved on and have been clean for quite lengthy times - it just seems Felt has never been able to find his escape route, his reason.

I will never make excuses for an addict, but I cannot help but sympathise. Felt doesn't have much in his life to keep him on the straight and narrow, he works in a bar where he is exposed to drugs, he lives with a friend who is also a heavy user, and he has nothing else in his life in the sense of romance, children or an exit strategy.

We have been trying to advise him that he needs to change his environment - as long as he stays where he is, he will always be dragged back in no matter how good his intentions are. We've recommended changing jobs, moving house and finding a new social crowd in a different venue where drugs are not as common, such as the casino, the gym or a snooker hall.

The problem is, it's not as simple as changing everything you know in life, and those changes just seem to big for him to push for at the minute. It hurts though, because I see behind the false bravado and flamboyant drug abuse, he is a broken man just finding his escape from a world that he feels doesn't care.

Relapse Avoidance #8

I think the most important thing to find when leaving the life of drug abuse is a reason; without a reason, you are a lot more likely to relapse.

Whenever this little Princess is here beside me, I am invincible. Nothing can break me, and I have no risk of relapse.

If only it could be like this all the time ❤

Relapse Avoidance #7

I just want to take a moment to thank everybody who has supported my journey so far, and especially those of you who have taken the time to actually comment and offer kind words and opinions.

Addiction isn't an easy thing to live with, and neither is it easy to overcome, but hopefully other people in similar situations to myself can find some support and reassurance in my posts and find the strength to succeed in their own journey.

Hard drugs are no laughing matter, and before long they lose their appeal, but often not until after you have become so habitual in your indulgence that it's a difficult cycle to break.

Always remember in your darkest hours, support is always available. Stay strong fellow companions, together we are stronger.

Relapse Avoidance #6

A friend who also has battled with drug addiction for years once told me "no matter what, regardless of how long you stay clean/sober, it never goes away".

He revered in stories of times he'd gone as long as six years without using, and the urge still persisted. This always concerned me when I was contemplating going clean. Would I really have to spend the rest of my life resisting an insatiable urge to indulge in recreational abuse?

It's strange; when we know there is a cut off point, it's easier. If an addict was told "all you have to do is stay clean for 60 days, and then you'll lose all attraction to the drug, and you'll never have the urge to do it again" then I'm quietly confident a lot of users would battle and fight themselves to that 60 day achievement calm in the knowledge that once they got there, it was over.

Instead, as my friend correctly warned me, addiction isn't something you can "tick off" as complete. Like been there, done that, overcame it, next. It truly is a lifelong battle against a little voice in the back of your mind trying to lead you to relapse.

Tonight I had four pints and my demons are trying their damnedest to convince me to stray. I'm going to bed before I can become weak enough to lose. It's exhausting though knowing this is something I am destined to fight with forever.

Even after six years clean it still pops into your head after a few pints "just one gram of cocaine, nobody has to know". Ugh.

Relapse Avoidance #5

I notice lately the prevalence of drug culture in everything around me; all types of media, art, history, and life in general. It's seemingly everywhere I look, drugs are thrust into my face like the gyrating pelvis of a dancer in a strip club.

I guess it's subconscious, my own ego piquing interest where I actively must refrain. As though the devil himself is temping me, "just one final blowout" - meanwhile I'm laying in bed trying to drown out the voice with loud music thundering through headphones.

Just one final blowout. Just one last nostalgia hit. Just one more. That's the trouble; there is always just one more. The pattern of an addict seeking justification in any situation.

I had a bad day so I used to drown my sorrows. I had a good day so I used to celebrate. Weddings, funerals, birthdays, Tuesdays. It truly doesn't matter - an addict will find a reason (read: excuse) in literally anything. Boredom? Take drugs. Lonely? Take drugs. Scared? Take drugs. Excited? Take drugs. Basically, just take drugs.

The devil will not win tonight. I am too vigilant to fall for his honeyed words. Just one more day being clean. And do that forever. That's the trick.

Relapse Avoidance #4

After suffering and enduring drug abuse for many years, I expected myself to become intolerant and condemning of those who recreationally use drugs. I expected to look down on them as weak and pathetic. That they need to just stop taking and sort their lives out etc.

Instead I find myself sympathetic and understanding of their mindset. Let me just make it clear - nobody plans on becoming an addict, nobody takes drugs thinking they're going to destroy their lives.

It doesn't happen overnight but by the time you realise you've lost control over your usage, it's too late. One minute you think you have it under control, that you can stop whenever you want... the next minute you realise you have a problem but by then you're addicted.

I see drug abusers now, and I wonder why they got addicted in the first place rather than seeing them as a failure. I see them as people who use it as a coping mechanism because their life dealt them a shitty hand. Rather than condemning them, I try to reach out to them, and I find myself actively defending them against others who would insult them.

It's strange, but in an ironic way, drugs have made me a more accepting and less judgmental person.

Relapse Avoidance #3

It is crazy that when you're young and not involved in drugs, they seem almost exotic. You have this naive notion that they are scarce and that only the poorest class (homeless etc) and the wealthiest (businessmen) really partake in them. At least that was the narrative I was fed as a youth.

I honestly believed it was only the lowlife scum who indulged in heroin, the rebellious teens who became stoners, and the richest Wall Street types/Mexican drug cartel types who abused cocaine.

Then I grew up and began to dabble. Before long I learned what it meant to be a functioning addict, and I began to recognise others I knew in the same position. Relatively quickly I learned how rife drug abuse is amongst all walks of life and societal classes.

Even people you wouldn't ever have imagined having a penchant for drugs would suddenly reveal their dark attraction for ketamine or amphetamines, or whatever other drug of choice they have. It's strange how when people know you have done/do drugs, they feel completely at ease to confess their sins to you for validation.

I think these people provide confirmation bias for abusers to legitimise their addiction and convince themselves it isn't a problem - because after all, if everyone is doing it, it can't be that bad right?

Relapse Avoidance #2

Allow me to describe a standard scenario that an addict endures.

Tonight I am completely free of everything. I have nobody to spend it with, no event to attend, nothing to do. I am sat here watching TV, well, I say watching TV but it's more background noise. I am sat here in deep contemplation.

I lost 90% of my friends/acquaintances when I quit drugs. I sit here now imagining what they are up to, who they are with. I contemplate firing them a quick text with an innocuous message about "hey how's things?" with the agenda of promoting a response that yields an invite. Once I have an invite I can grab a taxi and be with them in 10 minutes. They'll likely have drugs on them and they will share with me, since I was once a very close friend and in deep with them. We would always share scores and take care of each other.

I know that if I chose to, I could have drugs in my system within around half an hour, for free.

And I sit here in mind numbing boredom, romanticising the euphoric rush of escape, sweet freedom from this current nothingness I am experiencing. I fantasise about that first hit, the feeling as it ravages my senses and takes me away to a better place without care or concern.

I could do this now, and the only ones who would know would be me & whoever I indulged with. There would be no consequences besides the knowledge that I've destroyed my clean streak. Dishonoured my integrity.

And yet here I am, writing this post, not the text message saying "hey how's things?"

I'm pretty proud of myself for that. Let's hope it remains that way for the rest of the night.