Allow me to describe a standard scenario that an addict endures.
Tonight I am completely free of everything. I have nobody to spend it with, no event to attend, nothing to do. I am sat here watching TV, well, I say watching TV but it's more background noise. I am sat here in deep contemplation.
I lost 90% of my friends/acquaintances when I quit drugs. I sit here now imagining what they are up to, who they are with. I contemplate firing them a quick text with an innocuous message about "hey how's things?" with the agenda of promoting a response that yields an invite. Once I have an invite I can grab a taxi and be with them in 10 minutes. They'll likely have drugs on them and they will share with me, since I was once a very close friend and in deep with them. We would always share scores and take care of each other.
I know that if I chose to, I could have drugs in my system within around half an hour, for free.
And I sit here in mind numbing boredom, romanticising the euphoric rush of escape, sweet freedom from this current nothingness I am experiencing. I fantasise about that first hit, the feeling as it ravages my senses and takes me away to a better place without care or concern.
I could do this now, and the only ones who would know would be me & whoever I indulged with. There would be no consequences besides the knowledge that I've destroyed my clean streak. Dishonoured my integrity.
And yet here I am, writing this post, not the text message saying "hey how's things?"
I'm pretty proud of myself for that. Let's hope it remains that way for the rest of the night.
No comments:
Post a Comment