Monthly Musings: February 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Negative Behavioural Patterns

People like to virtue signal, and have a laissez-faire courtship with male's mental health. Today I invite you to take a look at a real working example; myself.

Here is further clarity of where I'm at with my mental health for those of you who are interested. Some of you will likely recognise some/all of these things about me if you know me well enough.

This is a map of my self identified negative behaviour patterns, and how I reinforce, and succumb to additional feedback loops. The core issue aside from my irrational health anxiety is my abandonment issues and low self worth which are inherently linked.

I have a tendency to gravitate toward my negative traits and shame relating to my past (promiscuity/recreational drug abuse/debt/failing people I care about etc). I downplay my own value constantly and focus on what I don't have to offer, rather than what I do. This is coupled with a constant feeling that I am not "enough" and as a result, I believe that I am/always will be abandoned, overlooked or rejected.

As a result of this single deep rooted belief, a whole catalogue of negative behaviour patterns emerge that serve to reinforce and impact my life in many areas. This is what I am working through and why I am seeming erratic lately with my ramblings.

Schema Therapy

Growth is good for the soul. Self-actualisation is elusive to most, yet something I am dogmatically pursuing of late. Identifying my issues and traumas, how they manifest and present themselves as negative behaviour patterns, and seeking resolutions for combating them seems as virtuous endeavor. Lest I continue unabated upon this path of self sabotage and outright destruction.

Schema: Abandonment.

I have abandonment issues. No surprise there. I've read the clinical definition and I've investigated how this typically presents. I live in perpetual fear that the people I care about the most will abandon me; this is undeniable. This schema manifests as being needy and clingy in romantic relationships and being overtly servile in friendships.

Looking into my past, I can find many contributing factors, notably from my childhood. An exercise for identifying root causes noted that I should recall major life changing memories from my childhood; these, include: my Dad being an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable; my Mum and Dad subsequently divorcing; my Mum's partner Dawn moving into our home, and me feeling pushed out; my eldest sister Claire being kicked out and my other older sister Stacey being kicked out thereafter too. These experiences resonate with abandonment because familial bonds should be strongest. Seeing my parents able to sever ties with each other, and also some of my siblings traps me in a perpetual state of fear that I too could be cut off. In later life, this was reinforced by the breakdown of a relationship between my Mum and my brother Terry proving that even as adults, the threat remains tangible.

Schema: Mistrust & Abuse

I have trust issues. Another no brainer here. This presents as being deeply untrusting about the motivations of others, and questioning the legitimacy of their intentions with me. I often feel I am wide open to be abused, and subsequently discarded. This feeds back into Schema: Abandonment.

The root causes for this do not seem to stem from my childhood; the only example I can identify which would partially speak to this was being bullied throughout high school. A more logical explanation is my relationship with Kirsty throughout which infidelity was a theme. The relationship ended, and Kirsty rapidly initiated a romantic relationship with Adam who was supposed to be a mutual friend of ours. This again deepens the sense of betrayal I experienced, and reinforces my trust issues in both romantic partners and friends.

Schema: Vulnerability

My vulnerability issues have three core tenants, all of which have very traceable roots. My vulnerability issues are; hypochondria, fear of burglary, and fear for Ilysha. I live in constant fear that I have an undiagnosed illness, that my home will be broken into, and that something terrible will happen to Ilysha. Statistically I understand the likelihood of these occurring is minimal, yet I also remain acutely aware of the possibility due to past events in my life.

As a child, my girlfriend Steph suffered with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, a rare condition. I had multiple health scares relating to testicular cancer as a teenager, one of which led to an operation for Hydrocele Testis. A friend with the exact same birth date as myself, Emma, was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A female friend, Tammy, drowned after having an epileptic fit in her bath. My oldest sister Claire's husband Tim died of a stroke aged 34. My friend Luke's stepson Kayden was killed in a hit and run accident. All of these anecdotal stories feed into my pathological health anxiety and fear for the safety of my daughter Ilysha. I also fear being burgled due to my childhood home being burgled whilst we were on holiday as a child. My ex fiancee Kirsty's car was stolen. Additionally there was an attempted burglary at my last residence. These all legitimise my vulnerability issues relating to the three aforementioned tenants.

Schema: Emotional Deprivation

My emotional deprivation presents itself as being emotionally vacant and isolating myself as a defense mechanism. I do not consider this schema as being a major problem for my life.

Childhood roots for this schema include my Dad being an alcoholic, and having an emotionally absent Mum who preferred to send me and my siblings to play outside a lot, even sending me and Terry to our bedroom early at night from where we were not allowed to return downstairs. This cultivated a feeling of detachment and independence (hence I do not suffer from the Schema: Dependence). In later life, I also feel no romantic partner has even met my emotional needs. Moreover, I feel this Schema has manifested largely as a coping mechanism for Schema: Mistrust & Abuse.

Schema: Defectiveness

I suffer with defectiveness which presents as having a persistent feeling of low self worth, and devaluing my own positive qualities. I live in fear that if anybody saw my defects, they would abandon me. This again feeds back into Schema: Abandonment.

Explanations for this schema are rooted in childhood. Primarily I would trace these back to my Dad's alcoholism, and the subsequent belief that I was not enough to motivate him to quit. Other factors from childhood include my Mum and Dad divorcing, and feeling as if our family was too flawed to remain a whole. I also feel in constant competition with my brother Terry even as adults, which again indicates a deep rooted feeling of defectiveness, in which I need to prove myself constantly to feel worthy of love. Another huge contributor to my feeling of defectiveness is Kirsty cheating on me, after I had given all of myself to the relationship; the feeling that even the best that I had to offer was still insufficient. Further to this is the shame I feel about the amount of debt I incurred whilst abusing recreational drugs which is a further reason I feel my value as a person is diminished.

Schema: Subjugation

Subjugation for myself centres around my willingness to be servile, and to sacrifice my own wants and needs for others. I had considered this a strength of character until now when I realise how self-defeating this cycle is for my own happiness and fulfillment. My subjugation presents itself most viscerally as my agreeableness to do favours for friends and family, my servile nature to Ilysha (though again this also feeds into Schema: Abandonment), and my refusal to delegate even trivial tasks at work to my subordinates (this also feeds into Schema: Unreleting Standards).

The roots for my submissive nature can be traced back to childhood in the form of excessive or demeaning chores as a child, or caretaking in the absence of an alcoholic parent. I would sooner pin this as being a coping mechanism I have developed in response to Schema: Abandonment to keep people in my life.

Schema: Unrelenting Standards

This one is apparent for anyone who knows me to see. I suffer with perfectionism, OCPD, procrastination and control issues. I have an unhealthy obsession with documenting, and keeping structure and lists. I have a penchant for organisation and routine. I become irrationally anxious and stressed when my standards are not met. This also leads me to be unduly critical of others.

Childhood factors that can relate to this schema include competing for attention with my siblings (trying to stand out as the best child), and sharing a bedroom (OCPD). Again I'd sooner believe this is a direct results of another Schema: Defectiveness as I am so conscious of my feelings of inadequacy that I fixate on trivialities that I can micromanage and with presenting lofty ideals of being perfect as a projection of everything that I believe I am not; the compensation coping strategy.

Life Purpose Statement

Fulfillment

Degree
For three years I worked hard, I sacrificed a lot and I dedicated myself to earning my Bachelors Degree in Computer Games Design. I learned the value of commitment, persistence and hard work. I felt great pride and satisfaction when I completed the course with a 2.1 Honours because I knew I had earned it.

Birth
The birth of my daughter provided one of the biggest senses of fulfillment in my life, and she continues to provide this consistently. I learned a lot about sacrifice and selflessness. I felt overwhelming joy and paternal attachment that far exceeds any bond I ever thought possible; pure unconditional love.

Drugs
Overcoming my addiction to marijuana and cocaine. After years of battling with addiction, and constant relapses, I finally managed to persevere and succeed in my commitment to get sober. I feel immense pride and contentment knowing that I'd managed to beat a crippling disease that many others are not so fortunate to achieve.

Court
After an expensive and painful court battle over my daughter, I finally won and was able to partake entirely in her life. I learned a lot about despair, grief and loss during those months; I also learned a lot about perseverance, dedication and duty. I felt relief and joy when justice was served and I was awarded access.

Promotion
Being promoted at work to Manager after years as a Supervisor, and initially a Technician. During the preceding years I learned a lot about the value of teamwork, interpersonal bonds and workplace ethics. I grew professionally and widened my skill set considerably to justify the promotion. I felt appreciated, recognised and valued when I earned the promotion.

Debt
I accrued a lot of personal debts to the tune of £16,000, frivolously squandering it on recreational drugs. I was offered the opportunity to declare bankruptcy, and wipe the debts. Instead I chose to dutifully repay them. This experience taught me about humility and integrity. I have still got a couple of years left to go before these are paid off in total, but I feel pride and morally superior with each debt that I settle, knowing that I did not take the easy way out like most others do.

Novel
Completing the first draft of my novel Lightfade. Okay, so this one is admittedly a bit of a stretch, but I am almost there! Through writing my novel I have learned about focus, persistence and accepting criticism. I have learned that my ability is not infallible and that success requires sacrifice and hard work. I already feel pride for completing something that many others never will; authoring a book.

The Perfect World

In my idea of a perfect world. everybody would feel safe, loved, valued and secure. We would all have fulfillment, purpose and be content with our lives. We would all accept each other with compassion and understanding. We would be kind, generous and selfless toward each other.

In my bid to achieve this perfect world, I commit to becoming more attuned to the needs and values of others. I will make a concerted effort to be more empathetic, attentive, supportive and compassionate. I will overcome my critical nature and my tendency to belittle others. I will show gratitude and appreciation for what I have, rather than being shackled by expectations of what I want.

By embodying these characteristics I will help to deliver my perfect world into actualisation.

Life Purpose Statement

The purpose of my life is to selflessly foster a world where everybody feels content, loved and valued, using my empathy, love, support, and gratitude in order to provide a sense of appreciation, respect and unconditional acceptance for all.

I will embody my purpose by connecting positively and productively with others who require love and compassion. I will display my gratitude openly and honestly. I will be more accepting of differing opinions and perspectives.

The Void of Unfulfillment

A recurring theme in my own awareness is that of purpose, or more notably, the lack thereof. Lately I find myself becoming more consumed by nihilistic introspection; life is meaningless, a hollow husk of infinite potential that is not being realised. If life is a meal, then I need to find some sustenance to accompany the dessert.

I feel like I am sat staring at a blank canvas with no idea how to populate it. I know that I want it to be filled with beauty, magnificence and purpose; I want it to be a masterpiece - but how? The blank canvas is my life, and I desperately need something to fill it with.

Life is just so empty and unfulfilling, and not in a depressive way - simply in the sense of feeling directionless. This doesn't even relate to the current Lockdown; it has been this way for quite some time. Of course holidays, day trips, social gatherings and family events will help to quell the sense of being rudderless once they can resume. My friends and family, notably my children, help to give my life a modicum of purpose. But between these fleeting moments of fun and distraction, my purpose here remains elusive. My children are growing into young adults who are not so dependent on me anymore. My family have their own lives to keep them preoccupied. My friends are in various stages of their own evolution's, and our interactions are usually passionate but brief in duration. 

I recently entertained the idea of a romantic relationship, but looking back now, I can see it was just another project I was trying to use to fill the Void in my life. A distraction, albeit an attractive one. I find broken people alluring; I can dedicate my time and energy to feeling like I am making a difference. It's the "fixer" mentality that I have acquired over time. I believe naively that I can find purpose for myself, by adding value to other peoples lives. I can distract myself with helping them to fight their battles, and in doing so, I give myself a sense of usefulness. A purpose, however fleeting. But when it all comes crashing down, the Void remains waiting to consume me. In my desperation to escape the Void, I grasp tightly to fragments of memories of the times when I was distracted, and as the broken shards inevitably make my hands begin to bleed I reluctantly let go. I never believed that long term relationships help to keep us away from the Void. The escapism I utilise myself is also echoed in the actions of most people I see in relationships too.

I game to distract myself. I watch TV and listen to music. I read books. I work out. I work on my novel, and I make music. Yet beyond these temporary, disposable activities, I yearn for more. These circuses do not fulfill me. They do not sate my thirst for life. I look around at everyone else, blissfully existing, happily obsessing over their gym routines, the sports they enjoy watching or an array of hobbies that keep them distracted from golf, to fishing, to crafts; and I just cannot relate to it. How many people these days spend hours just scrolling on social media, IG feeds, watching endless Tik Toks and YouTube videos? Playing repetitive mind numbing mobile games that add no real value to the world? It all seems so shallow. So passive. It's not engaging enough. I used to turn to drugs and alcohol to address the Void. I'd sedate myself into oblivion trying to evade it's crushing weight. But as with all forms of escapism, sooner or later, you have to return to reality. And when you do, the Void is still waiting.

Wealth has never been attractive to me; I never viewed chasing money as a worthwhile pursuit. I have a comfortable life; I don't really want for anything. Sure, I could buy a bigger house; but why? I don't need one. I could get a car? Never needed one though, and don't really need one now. How about buy some new clothes, get some tattoos, reinvent myself, buy the latest gadgets and gizmos... it wouldn't provide the long lasting fulfillment I am seeking. I typically spend my money excessively on my daughter and unintentionally feed her narcissism and spoiled sense of entitlement. I live pretty frugally myself. I aren't superficial. I aren't materialistic. I aren't interested in keeping up with the Jones' or performing in the digital pageantry of vanity. I aren't motivated by money or possessions. I need more. Always more. I need something that satisfies me on an emotional level; a spiritual level even.

And this is where I am today. Sitting in front of the blank canvas once again, unsure which medium to use, or where to begin. The Void is towering over me, it's swirling emptiness ready to consume me, and I know that I'll either regress to the distractions once more, or finally figure this out.

Please for my sanity, let me begin my masterpiece this time.

Lockdown and Mental Health

Let me just preface this piece with acknowledgement that every death is a tragedy, and I am not advocating for the complete disregard of all control measures introduced over the past 12 months. That being said however, there is a big difference between existing and living. And at some point, we all must be allowed to return to living our lives.

There is something inherently primal about humanities need for social connection; this includes communication, conversation, and physical touch. We need these channels to regulate our hormones and emotions; there is a reason for the correlation between loneliness and deaths of despair. There is a reason that mental health issues largely flourish when humans are kept apart. Depression, anxiety, stress... these conditions fester when we are unable to share our problems with others, and instead are left to overthink, dwell and reinforce our opinions without having them challenged. In those times of despair, without a channel for release, people will typically turn to alcohol and recreational drugs to help them cope with the overwhelming emotion, stress and/or grief they are experiencing. I've been there. I know.

I've always been an over thinker; it's both a gift and a curse. I read between the lines. I subconsciously analyse vocabulary choice and tone in conversation. I instinctively pick up on behavioural changes and deviations from patterns. I notice insignificant things, then become obsessed with what it implies, sometimes reading deeply into coincidence as intention. Being isolated in a global lockdown magnifies this tenfold as most communication is now non-verbal where intent being lost in translation is commonplace, and conveyance of emotion for most is evasive. An innocuous message can trigger an unintended misinterpretation that results in a downward spiral of confusion, hurt and frustration. The absence of a response can trigger the same, especially in an increasingly isolated world. We all need someone else to help regulate our emotions and concerns; a pandemic doesn't change this. Nothing will. It's human nature.

Most of us are struggling with life at present in one way or another, and that is okay. It is okay to not be okay. For now, existing is acceptable; just getting through the days is an achievement. We must however, get back to living our lives as soon as possible.

Healthy coping mechanisms and processes range from discussing your worries and problems with your partner, to having a rant with your mates down the pub, or even just letting off steam and disconnecting from reality for a while away from routine. Currently most of the typical methods that people use for coping are not allowed, and those that are will be fraught with compounded stress and frustrations as we are all a big melting pot of mental health issues right now.

I actively avoid all news relating to the pandemic nowadays; I find it too emotionally draining. The statistical overload of deaths, cases, hospitalisations, vaccinations, R-numbers... all the data in the world will not change my desire to return to normal. It may sound irrational, it may be concerning, but I've overthought about it all - every last detail - and I still just want to be allowed my autonomy. I still just want to return to normal.

I want to be allowed to live again.

And that is just human nature.

Emo x

I feel so lost angel. It's actually painful.

I've wrote out so many messages and deleted them. Started writing songs and then closed it down because it was too upsetting. I've thought about messaging your brother and telling him, but then I don't want him to try to convince you to change your mind. I've gone to post statuses, songs or stories, and stopped myself because it's not fair to you.

We've gone from speaking for hours every day; video calls each night, seeing your face, your pretty smile, hearing your voice... to silence, overnight. And I hate it. I miss seeing your raised eyebrow, and that the cute way you scrunch your face up. I miss hearing you laugh. I miss how close I felt to you. How comfortable we were with each other; the feeling of companionship, of connection. I miss hearing about your day, about all the silly little things, even your eyelashes falling off. I miss telling you off for drinking Monster. I miss teasing you about Martha. I miss 'us'. I let my guard down with you, and perhaps I shouldn't have because now I'm actually feeling so hollow, empty and rejected.

You gave me a little taste of what we could be, a little glimpse into a future with a beautiful girl that I could share experiences and my life with. And then you closed the door, and left me outside of it. Spending Valentine's with you was so nice; just having you there beside me, cuddling you on the sofa watching Netflix, experiencing each other intimately, and then waking up next to you, even with my dead arm.

It sounds so dumb but I miss the thought of Leighton popping up on the camera to say hi when we're chatting, I hate the thought of never seeing you again, of you just closing me out now and withdrawing from me. But I get it. I truly do. I will never say this to you, because that isn't who I am. I'll sooner let you disappear than guilt or pressure you into staying for my benefit. This isn't as simple as me just letting you go, and moving on, because I don't let people inside my world often, and the occasional times that I do, I'm left feeling like this; broken and lost.

You were the first girl I'd ever felt comfortable to even mention to Ily; and she accepted you. She was open to us being more, and now I get to tell her it's faded out. It's going nowhere. Every time I load any app, I find myself reading back through our messages. Or I find myself on your profile looking at your photos. Every time I load up a playlist, I hear songs that remind me of you. I look on Netflix and see shows that remind me of you. Even playing PlayStation it seems so quiet not speaking to you whilst I'm gaming. I'm a mess.

I keep telling you that I'm okay with this, because I don't want to complicate your life; if it's not what you want, then there's nothing I can do to change that. I just have to accept it for what it is. Even if it hurts. And believe me, it really does.

I miss you my sexy little emo.

Your favourite fuckboy x