I've wrote out so many messages and deleted them. Started writing songs and then closed it down because it was too upsetting. I've thought about messaging your brother and telling him, but then I don't want him to try to convince you to change your mind. I've gone to post statuses, songs or stories, and stopped myself because it's not fair to you.
We've gone from speaking for hours every day; video calls each night, seeing your face, your pretty smile, hearing your voice... to silence, overnight. And I hate it. I miss seeing your raised eyebrow, and that the cute way you scrunch your face up. I miss hearing you laugh. I miss how close I felt to you. How comfortable we were with each other; the feeling of companionship, of connection. I miss hearing about your day, about all the silly little things, even your eyelashes falling off. I miss telling you off for drinking Monster. I miss teasing you about Martha. I miss 'us'. I let my guard down with you, and perhaps I shouldn't have because now I'm actually feeling so hollow, empty and rejected.
You gave me a little taste of what we could be, a little glimpse into a future with a beautiful girl that I could share experiences and my life with. And then you closed the door, and left me outside of it. Spending Valentine's with you was so nice; just having you there beside me, cuddling you on the sofa watching Netflix, experiencing each other intimately, and then waking up next to you, even with my dead arm.
It sounds so dumb but I miss the thought of Leighton popping up on the camera to say hi when we're chatting, I hate the thought of never seeing you again, of you just closing me out now and withdrawing from me. But I get it. I truly do. I will never say this to you, because that isn't who I am. I'll sooner let you disappear than guilt or pressure you into staying for my benefit. This isn't as simple as me just letting you go, and moving on, because I don't let people inside my world often, and the occasional times that I do, I'm left feeling like this; broken and lost.
You were the first girl I'd ever felt comfortable to even mention to Ily; and she accepted you. She was open to us being more, and now I get to tell her it's faded out. It's going nowhere. Every time I load any app, I find myself reading back through our messages. Or I find myself on your profile looking at your photos. Every time I load up a playlist, I hear songs that remind me of you. I look on Netflix and see shows that remind me of you. Even playing PlayStation it seems so quiet not speaking to you whilst I'm gaming. I'm a mess.
I keep telling you that I'm okay with this, because I don't want to complicate your life; if it's not what you want, then there's nothing I can do to change that. I just have to accept it for what it is. Even if it hurts. And believe me, it really does.
I miss you my sexy little emo.
Your favourite fuckboy x
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