Schema: Abandonment.
I have abandonment issues. No surprise there. I've read the clinical definition and I've investigated how this typically presents. I live in perpetual fear that the people I care about the most will abandon me; this is undeniable. This schema manifests as being needy and clingy in romantic relationships and being overtly servile in friendships.
Looking into my past, I can find many contributing factors, notably from my childhood. An exercise for identifying root causes noted that I should recall major life changing memories from my childhood; these, include: my Dad being an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable; my Mum and Dad subsequently divorcing; my Mum's partner Dawn moving into our home, and me feeling pushed out; my eldest sister Claire being kicked out and my other older sister Stacey being kicked out thereafter too. These experiences resonate with abandonment because familial bonds should be strongest. Seeing my parents able to sever ties with each other, and also some of my siblings traps me in a perpetual state of fear that I too could be cut off. In later life, this was reinforced by the breakdown of a relationship between my Mum and my brother Terry proving that even as adults, the threat remains tangible.
Schema: Mistrust & Abuse
I have trust issues. Another no brainer here. This presents as being deeply untrusting about the motivations of others, and questioning the legitimacy of their intentions with me. I often feel I am wide open to be abused, and subsequently discarded. This feeds back into Schema: Abandonment.
The root causes for this do not seem to stem from my childhood; the only example I can identify which would partially speak to this was being bullied throughout high school. A more logical explanation is my relationship with Kirsty throughout which infidelity was a theme. The relationship ended, and Kirsty rapidly initiated a romantic relationship with Adam who was supposed to be a mutual friend of ours. This again deepens the sense of betrayal I experienced, and reinforces my trust issues in both romantic partners and friends.
Schema: Vulnerability
My vulnerability issues have three core tenants, all of which have very traceable roots. My vulnerability issues are; hypochondria, fear of burglary, and fear for Ilysha. I live in constant fear that I have an undiagnosed illness, that my home will be broken into, and that something terrible will happen to Ilysha. Statistically I understand the likelihood of these occurring is minimal, yet I also remain acutely aware of the possibility due to past events in my life.
As a child, my girlfriend Steph suffered with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, a rare condition. I had multiple health scares relating to testicular cancer as a teenager, one of which led to an operation for Hydrocele Testis. A friend with the exact same birth date as myself, Emma, was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A female friend, Tammy, drowned after having an epileptic fit in her bath. My oldest sister Claire's husband Tim died of a stroke aged 34. My friend Luke's stepson Kayden was killed in a hit and run accident. All of these anecdotal stories feed into my pathological health anxiety and fear for the safety of my daughter Ilysha. I also fear being burgled due to my childhood home being burgled whilst we were on holiday as a child. My ex fiancee Kirsty's car was stolen. Additionally there was an attempted burglary at my last residence. These all legitimise my vulnerability issues relating to the three aforementioned tenants.
Schema: Emotional Deprivation
My emotional deprivation presents itself as being emotionally vacant and isolating myself as a defense mechanism. I do not consider this schema as being a major problem for my life.
Childhood roots for this schema include my Dad being an alcoholic, and having an emotionally absent Mum who preferred to send me and my siblings to play outside a lot, even sending me and Terry to our bedroom early at night from where we were not allowed to return downstairs. This cultivated a feeling of detachment and independence (hence I do not suffer from the Schema: Dependence). In later life, I also feel no romantic partner has even met my emotional needs. Moreover, I feel this Schema has manifested largely as a coping mechanism for Schema: Mistrust & Abuse.
Schema: Defectiveness
I suffer with defectiveness which presents as having a persistent feeling of low self worth, and devaluing my own positive qualities. I live in fear that if anybody saw my defects, they would abandon me. This again feeds back into Schema: Abandonment.
Explanations for this schema are rooted in childhood. Primarily I would trace these back to my Dad's alcoholism, and the subsequent belief that I was not enough to motivate him to quit. Other factors from childhood include my Mum and Dad divorcing, and feeling as if our family was too flawed to remain a whole. I also feel in constant competition with my brother Terry even as adults, which again indicates a deep rooted feeling of defectiveness, in which I need to prove myself constantly to feel worthy of love. Another huge contributor to my feeling of defectiveness is Kirsty cheating on me, after I had given all of myself to the relationship; the feeling that even the best that I had to offer was still insufficient. Further to this is the shame I feel about the amount of debt I incurred whilst abusing recreational drugs which is a further reason I feel my value as a person is diminished.
Schema: Subjugation
Subjugation for myself centres around my willingness to be servile, and to sacrifice my own wants and needs for others. I had considered this a strength of character until now when I realise how self-defeating this cycle is for my own happiness and fulfillment. My subjugation presents itself most viscerally as my agreeableness to do favours for friends and family, my servile nature to Ilysha (though again this also feeds into Schema: Abandonment), and my refusal to delegate even trivial tasks at work to my subordinates (this also feeds into Schema: Unreleting Standards).
The roots for my submissive nature can be traced back to childhood in the form of excessive or demeaning chores as a child, or caretaking in the absence of an alcoholic parent. I would sooner pin this as being a coping mechanism I have developed in response to Schema: Abandonment to keep people in my life.
Schema: Unrelenting Standards
This one is apparent for anyone who knows me to see. I suffer with perfectionism, OCPD, procrastination and control issues. I have an unhealthy obsession with documenting, and keeping structure and lists. I have a penchant for organisation and routine. I become irrationally anxious and stressed when my standards are not met. This also leads me to be unduly critical of others.
Childhood factors that can relate to this schema include competing for attention with my siblings (trying to stand out as the best child), and sharing a bedroom (OCPD). Again I'd sooner believe this is a direct results of another Schema: Defectiveness as I am so conscious of my feelings of inadequacy that I fixate on trivialities that I can micromanage and with presenting lofty ideals of being perfect as a projection of everything that I believe I am not; the compensation coping strategy.
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