Monthly Musings: July 2014

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Samaritans #10

I don't 'plan' on taking my life; I'm simply vocalising hypothetically based on the natural progression of my current circumstances. If something doesn't change soon, I envisage that suicide could very well become a welcoming prospect. For now, all I know for definite is that I can't continue how things are.

I feel like I don't want to stay living this way, and I cannot leave because I couldn't live with myself for abandoning my child, the only good thing in my life. So if I cannot stay because of my ex, and I cannot run away because of my daughter, then it's easy to see why suicide becomes a subconscious suggestion creeping up slowly.

The only other alternative is to remove my ex from the equation, which is where the dark fantasies come into play; simplifying the solution by nullifying the catalyst. If my ex were to disappear, then I could raise my daughter without her psychological abuse. I fear more about hurting my ex than hurting myself, especially when she relentlessly and intentionally provokes me. Sooner or later something is going to snap, and she will see a side of me that it's getting difficult to keep restrained.

__________________________

One definite fact you have told us is that you can't continue as things are, and you have been very honest in discussing two options as well as considering suicide

In an earlier email you said you need help. Samaritans will continue to be here to listen as you battle with your thoughts and feelings about your ex and your daughter but have you identified what other help you feel you need to stop this downward spiral? Not all help requires payment.

You are in a dark place please continue to share your thoughts, talking can help to find alternate ways forward.

Jo

Samaritans #9

I used to be able to just bite my tongue and take a deep breath when my ex was confrontational, but lately I find it increasingly difficult to not retaliate. I feel like she is baiting me, provoking a reaction, and on some level I am genuinely afraid that sooner or later I will just snap and physically assault her.

It gets worse because I feel like I would find great pleasure in physically hurting her, and such feelings are usually alien to me. I have always been passive, never one for trouble. It scares me, the thought of losing control, and yet I feel like I would feel an intense sense of justice and justification if I physically retaliate to her abuse.

I feel like unless I do something drastic she will not acknowledge the effects her actions are having on me; she is remorseless thus far, and I only think about suicide when I think of how much it would ruin her life to know she was solely responsible for me killing myself, and the guilt it would make her feel. She is so manipulative that she makes me out to be a monster regardless of what I do; perhaps if I killed myself then people would realise that I am innocent in all of this, and how much she has destroyed me?

__________________________

Would you tell us what plans you have in terms of taking your life?

You describe how you hope your suicide will impact your ex, what are your own feelings about taking your life?

Jo

FAO: Citizens Advice Bureau

Support with a Family/Personal Issue

Good evening,

I am hoping to receive some advice and guidance regarding my relationship with the Mother of my child.

Following the birth of my daughter, my ex has actively attempted to prevent us bonding and having a relationship. I was left off my daughters birth certificate from the outset, and prevented from seeing her for six months until I won a Court case that ordered my name to be added to the birth certificate, and my ex to allow weekly unsupervised contact. It is no secret that relationships are tense under these conditions, however my personal situation has escalated to the point now that it is affecting every aspect of my life.

The Mother of my child is not content to allow access without attempting to dictate and control every facet of my time with my child. At first it was minor requests such as ensuring my child did not sleep until set times to keep her in routine; more recently the requests are excessive and unreasonable such as demanding I purchase expensive commodities, or even picking fault with every aspect of the care I provide to my daughter. I have become a victim of psychological abuse with constant threats of her revoking contact access if I do not submit to her unreasonable demands; she uses this like a puppet master to force me to submit to her requests.

I have never missed a payment of child support and yet the Mother of my child refuses to supply anything but the clothes on my daughters back when I collect her; this extends to then demanding I purchase specific items such as £50 shoes from Clarks, or a £30 toilet training system for the 8 hours a week that my daughter is in my care. I do not mind purchasing items for my child however my finances do not allow for her sudden requests and should I fail to purchase items instantly when she demands it, then I am publicly humiliated, chastised and belittled, called a failure, worthless and a selfish unfit parent, often in front of our child. When I have attempted to reason with my ex regarding my financial circumstances, I am told to move house to somewhere cheaper, or sell possessions including my sofa, as my child should be my priority. I would like to clarify that I rarely spend any of my wages on myself because I've become so conditioned by her abuse that I feel intense guilt if I even buy myself new work clothes when needed. I definitely do not live a lavish lifestyle; to elaborate on this, I rarely eat because I feel pressured into saving as much as possible to buy things for my child, my lunch every day is a 28p pack of Asda noodles.

I am currently in contact with the Samaritans because I am struggling to cope with how isolated and depressed I am becoming; nothing I ever do is enough to satisfy the Mother of my child and my relatives have expressed their concern for my change in character. I have become withdrawn as I do not feel like I have the right to a social life and instead try to cater only to the demands of my ex in providing anything she demands for my child - solely to ensure I do not lose contact again.

I am aware that I can pursue an enforcement order in the event that my ex breaches the current Court order and prevents contact, however that avenue costs £200 which I cannot afford and will naturally not happen overnight meaning I'll be missing my daughter in the interim.

I don't know what to do any more; if I could afford to I would query a family law solicitor to clarify where I stand with regards to my ex's demands (such as not being allowed to take my daughter to friends houses, or have non related guests whilst she is in my care etc), or even pay for counselling to deal with the effects of the relentless emotional abuse and to stop myself feeling so depressed that I just want to disappear. Unfortunately I cannot, and instead I am left to sink further into depression whilst it feels like nobody cares or wants to help.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Ben Scott

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Dear Ben

 

Thank you for your e-mail.

 

In order to proceed further and advise you on your query, we require further details from you.

 

Please could you give us your full name, address, telephone number and date of birth.  Please advise us if we can contact you this way?  IF WE DO NOT RECEIVE THIS WE MAY NOT HELP YOU FURTHER.  Please also see notes below.

 

We will try to advise you by e-mail, but if we have information we need to send you we may do this by post or phone due to limited resources.

 

If you do not live in the area we may give you details of your local Citizens Advice Bureau.

 

Due to the demand for our service we cannot guarantee that we can reply to you straight away, though we will deal with your enquiry as soon as we can.

 

Data Protection Act 1998 - to help you we need to keep a record of your case, which may contain sensitive personal information.  The law says we must get your permission to do this.  Our service is completely confidential.  We will not tell anyone about your situation, or even that you have contacted us without your permission.  Sensitive personal information is information about any of the following: racial or ethnic origin, political opinions, religious beliefs, trade union membership, health, sexuality or sex life, offences and/or convictions.  For the purposes of the Act the Data Controller is Stoke on Trent Citizens Advice Bureau.

 

When you reply to us with further details we will assume you are consenting to the above.

 

Thank you.

 

Yours sincerely

For the Manager

Stoke on Trent Citizens Advice Bureau.

Samaritans #8

I need help but I feel like nobody who can actually help is interested unless I pay them which I can't afford. I either have to struggle to hold it together whilst the world keeps crushing me or just call it a day and let what will be happen. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle against inevitability.

I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a never ending downward spiral that is slowly killing me. It begins to feel like the world would be a better place without me here,  that I'm just not good enough to be of any worth to anybody any more.

I'm losing myself trying to keep a hold on reality that just doesn't offer anything worth fighting for if my daughter isn't in my life. I'm scared of how this will end if nothing changes. I'm feeling intense anger about everything and it's getting more and more difficult to repress.

__________________________

Thanks for explaining how you're feeling about the situation with your daughter and her mother. We are sorry that you are feeling like this.

You say that you are angry and losing yourself.

How overwhelming are these feelings?

Jo

Samaritans #7

 I have been the victim of psychological abuse for a while now, but always just tolerated it because I consider it outside of my control. The aggressor is the Mother of my child, and the situation has steadily become increasingly difficult to cope with. I am not in an intimate relationship with this woman, although naturally in order to have any involvement with my child it is inevitable that communication is required.

At any given opportunity, without warrant or recourse, the Mother of my child publicly humiliates, belittles and emotionally abuses me. She attempts to control every aspect of my involvement with my child even so far as dictating steadfast routines, rules and regulations, and any slight deviation from these justifies a torrent of abuse. The routines, rules and regulations she dictates are inconsistent and subject to change at any given time without prior warning. Any time I point out that I am trying to be accommodating of her demands but am unsure what they are, I am belittled and told it is our child "developing routines" and that I should be able to use my common sense. When I do use common sense, I am scolded for not sticking to routines that she has advised. I am rapidly losing all hope of ever being able to be an adequate Father in her eyes.

She often threatens to take me to Court and prevent access to my child if I do not meet her unreasonable demands - she holds this over me like a puppet master, the threat of stopping me seeing my child allows her to treat me however she wants. She dictates I must purchase specific items for our child, and if I cannot afford at that exact moment then I am an unfit parent or am selfish. At present she has demanded that I purchase a £30 potty, and because I cannot afford she has stated that I should sell my sofa to cover the cost as my priority should be my child, not my own comfort. When I point out that I'm not in the financial situation to have surplus money saved for such occasions, she becomes aggressive on a tangent about how she can afford to buy everything our child requires and how I'm a failure as a Father because I cannot. I pay child support and yet when my child is in my care she literally comes with the clothes on her back and nothing else, not even shoes or a coat -  I was condescendingly told that as a parent it is my duty to provide footwear and a coat for our child too, and not just any footwear, £50 shoes from Clarks.

It has reached the point now where I have no social life because I feel guilty for spending any money, instead I scrimp and save every penny in preparation for the next "mandatory" excessive purchase; I don't have visitors because the Mother of my child dictates who I can and cannot have friendships with based on her own judgement, and it's easier to agree than rock the boat and jeopardise losing contact with my child; and now it's even reached the point where I don't enjoy spending time with my child because I live with constant anxiety about what problems are going to be brought up when I drop them back off. She insists I keep a written diary of my time with my child so that she can scrutinise every aspect and subsequently find faults, and it's getting to the point where she has sucked all the enjoyment and enchantment out of my life. I work a full time job to earn money that I never spend on myself, I live a lonely withdrawn life in isolation, all so that I can give my child the best life I can, and it's still not enough. Nothing is ever enough. And I have nothing else left to give. Nothing left to do but accept that I cannot ever be good enough. That I am completely worthless. That my child would be better off without me.

The only happiness in my life is the one day a week with my child, but now my ex has even taken that from me. Every day is dark, cold and lonely, and I don't know how much more I can take before I break.

__________________________

You write so about the abuse you are suffering at the hands of your ex, and how it is affecting your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like you are in a very dark place at the moment, and I am glad that you felt able to contact Samaritans to share with us just how bad things are.

At the end of your email, you wrote that 'every day is dark, cold and lonely', and that you don't know how much more you can take before you break. Would you like to tell me a bit more about this?

When things seem like they're too much to bear, it can be difficult to envisage a way forward, and a time when things will improve. Has all that is happening to you left you feeling that you don't want to live any more?

Samaritans are here to support you when things become too much to cope with, and we are completely confidential.

Take care,

Jo

Expectation

Let us begin with defining what expectations actually are. An expectation is a preconceived idealistic principle; it’s the desired outcome of an event.

Without expectations, we cannot suffer disappointment. If we have no hopes or desire surrounding an aspect of an event, then we cannot be disappointed by the outcome, because we did not anticipate any particular endpoint. The moment we consciously begin to theorise about the development of a situation, or the potential outcome of an event, we expose ourselves to the possibility of disappointment.

Often we will find that it is unavoidable to ascribe particular preconceptions to an event; for instance, if your birthday is approaching then it’s a relatively sound bet that on some level you expect acknowledgement of this occasion, whether it’s verbal, written or in the form of a gift. If our birthdays passed silently and unacknowledged we would likely experience disappointment because we have expectations about the outcome of the event. Expectations are a curse, and a hindrance.

We are hostages to our expectations, and the expectations of others. It is fairly common that we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations merely because we feel obliged to cater to another persons expectations, or societal pressure. We uphold this naive belief that it is our duty to honour tradition, or a false sense of loyalty by moving outside of our comfort zone at the request of those we care about, or to present ourselves in the public eye as martyrs for a cause.

I am confident when I say that the majority of people also fall victim to their own expectations, or the expectations that they have invoked in others; that is, they set a precedent for themselves in the form of a goal and regardless of their dwindling passion as time progresses, they relentlessly pursue it in a bid to attain the sense of accomplishment they sought initially, or the acceptance or praise they originally anticipated from others.

I can speak from experience with situations such as University; in all honesty by the second year I had lost interest, and yet I forced myself to see it through purely because my actions had resulted in a weight of expectation. What would people think if I quit? Would I regret not finishing what I’d started? Ultimately I finished with a 2.1 degree, but the sense of satisfaction I had yearned for (and expected) at the outset was replaced simply with a sense of closure and relief… and disappointment because I did not obtain the satisfaction I expected.

Accomplishment for the sake of accomplishment is void of purpose; it is more beneficial to redirect your efforts, than waste them on a passionless venture. If you find that your current situation and expectations are maligned, then I implore you to be courageous enough to admit that your ambitions have evolved, and that your desires have matured; no matter what others think, quitting is always the best choice when you have lost interest in a venture, or aspect of your life.

The failures aren’t the ones who quit with a valid reason, the failures are the ones who waste their lives, and sacrifice their contentment for the foolish notion of expectations.

Expect less, appreciate more.

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