I used to be able to just bite my tongue and take a deep breath when my ex was confrontational, but lately I find it increasingly difficult to not retaliate. I feel like she is baiting me, provoking a reaction, and on some level I am genuinely afraid that sooner or later I will just snap and physically assault her.
It gets worse because I feel like I would find great pleasure in physically hurting her, and such feelings are usually alien to me. I have always been passive, never one for trouble. It scares me, the thought of losing control, and yet I feel like I would feel an intense sense of justice and justification if I physically retaliate to her abuse.
I feel like unless I do something drastic she will not acknowledge the effects her actions are having on me; she is remorseless thus far, and I only think about suicide when I think of how much it would ruin her life to know she was solely responsible for me killing myself, and the guilt it would make her feel. She is so manipulative that she makes me out to be a monster regardless of what I do; perhaps if I killed myself then people would realise that I am innocent in all of this, and how much she has destroyed me?
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Would you tell us what plans you have in terms of taking your life?
You describe how you hope your suicide will impact your ex, what are your own feelings about taking your life?
Jo
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