I don't 'plan' on taking my life; I'm simply vocalising hypothetically based on the natural progression of my current circumstances. If something doesn't change soon, I envisage that suicide could very well become a welcoming prospect. For now, all I know for definite is that I can't continue how things are.
I feel like I don't want to stay living this way, and I cannot leave because I couldn't live with myself for abandoning my child, the only good thing in my life. So if I cannot stay because of my ex, and I cannot run away because of my daughter, then it's easy to see why suicide becomes a subconscious suggestion creeping up slowly.
The only other alternative is to remove my ex from the equation, which is where the dark fantasies come into play; simplifying the solution by nullifying the catalyst. If my ex were to disappear, then I could raise my daughter without her psychological abuse. I fear more about hurting my ex than hurting myself, especially when she relentlessly and intentionally provokes me. Sooner or later something is going to snap, and she will see a side of me that it's getting difficult to keep restrained.
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One definite fact you have told us is that you can't continue as things are, and you have been very honest in discussing two options as well as considering suicide
In an earlier email you said you need help. Samaritans will continue to be here to listen as you battle with your thoughts and feelings about your ex and your daughter but have you identified what other help you feel you need to stop this downward spiral? Not all help requires payment.
You are in a dark place please continue to share your thoughts, talking can help to find alternate ways forward.
Jo
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