I have been the victim of psychological abuse for a while now, but always just tolerated it because I consider it outside of my control. The aggressor is the Mother of my child, and the situation has steadily become increasingly difficult to cope with. I am not in an intimate relationship with this woman, although naturally in order to have any involvement with my child it is inevitable that communication is required.
At any given opportunity, without warrant or recourse, the Mother of my child publicly humiliates, belittles and emotionally abuses me. She attempts to control every aspect of my involvement with my child even so far as dictating steadfast routines, rules and regulations, and any slight deviation from these justifies a torrent of abuse. The routines, rules and regulations she dictates are inconsistent and subject to change at any given time without prior warning. Any time I point out that I am trying to be accommodating of her demands but am unsure what they are, I am belittled and told it is our child "developing routines" and that I should be able to use my common sense. When I do use common sense, I am scolded for not sticking to routines that she has advised. I am rapidly losing all hope of ever being able to be an adequate Father in her eyes.
She often threatens to take me to Court and prevent access to my child if I do not meet her unreasonable demands - she holds this over me like a puppet master, the threat of stopping me seeing my child allows her to treat me however she wants. She dictates I must purchase specific items for our child, and if I cannot afford at that exact moment then I am an unfit parent or am selfish. At present she has demanded that I purchase a £30 potty, and because I cannot afford she has stated that I should sell my sofa to cover the cost as my priority should be my child, not my own comfort. When I point out that I'm not in the financial situation to have surplus money saved for such occasions, she becomes aggressive on a tangent about how she can afford to buy everything our child requires and how I'm a failure as a Father because I cannot. I pay child support and yet when my child is in my care she literally comes with the clothes on her back and nothing else, not even shoes or a coat - I was condescendingly told that as a parent it is my duty to provide footwear and a coat for our child too, and not just any footwear, £50 shoes from Clarks.
It has reached the point now where I have no social life because I feel guilty for spending any money, instead I scrimp and save every penny in preparation for the next "mandatory" excessive purchase; I don't have visitors because the Mother of my child dictates who I can and cannot have friendships with based on her own judgement, and it's easier to agree than rock the boat and jeopardise losing contact with my child; and now it's even reached the point where I don't enjoy spending time with my child because I live with constant anxiety about what problems are going to be brought up when I drop them back off. She insists I keep a written diary of my time with my child so that she can scrutinise every aspect and subsequently find faults, and it's getting to the point where she has sucked all the enjoyment and enchantment out of my life. I work a full time job to earn money that I never spend on myself, I live a lonely withdrawn life in isolation, all so that I can give my child the best life I can, and it's still not enough. Nothing is ever enough. And I have nothing else left to give. Nothing left to do but accept that I cannot ever be good enough. That I am completely worthless. That my child would be better off without me.
The only happiness in my life is the one day a week with my child, but now my ex has even taken that from me. Every day is dark, cold and lonely, and I don't know how much more I can take before I break.
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You write so about the abuse you are suffering at the hands of your ex, and how it is affecting your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like you are in a very dark place at the moment, and I am glad that you felt able to contact Samaritans to share with us just how bad things are.
At the end of your email, you wrote that 'every day is dark, cold and lonely', and that you don't know how much more you can take before you break. Would you like to tell me a bit more about this?
When things seem like they're too much to bear, it can be difficult to envisage a way forward, and a time when things will improve. Has all that is happening to you left you feeling that you don't want to live any more?
Samaritans are here to support you when things become too much to cope with, and we are completely confidential.
Take care,
Jo
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