Monthly Musings: December 2012

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Content Consumption 2012

Those of you who know me well enough already know that 2012 has been a big year for me. It's involved overcoming the deaths of a close friend, Anthony Mansell, and my brother in law, Ricky Lewis. It's involved overcoming a bad cocaine addiction, and finally getting my finances in order. I started back the gym in August, and began taking better care of my health again. I've changed jobs to be an I.T. Technician and website developer as opposed to a call centre slave. I've cut away a fuckload of dead wood, burned bridges with wankers and learned the value of true friendships. I've got my creativity back, and recorded almost 100 songs in the last 12 months.

And most notably of all, I became a Daddy to a beautiful daughter, Ilysha Jade ♥ - I can finally say now, that after battling through so much drama, grief and heartbreak, I am looking forward to 2013 and whatever it brings.

I've come too far and overcome too many obstacles for this next year to not be easier. So thank you to all of those who stuck by me through all the shit I've fought through, and fuck you to all those who didn't.

Here's to 2013, let's make it a fucking good one!

Samaritans #6

My current emotional instability isn't my Godson's fault so I try to shelter him from any negative energy; it isn't fair for him to be subjected to a fragmented Xmas experience with me being depressed in his presence.

Regarding the gym, it's something for me to focus on that isn't detrimental - it's naturally better for me than drinking/abusing drugs. I see the gym as a way to keep in shape, to spend quality time with my brother and also as a social experience as I know quite a lot of people who go there. I usually play football on Thurs nights too, but due to the weather it's been cancelled a lot lately. I keep myself busy, I work through the week etc, so I can't really accommodate frequenting the gym anymore than I already do.

I'm feeling a lot better just from getting stuff off my chest talking with yourselves, you truly are a blessing in these times.

__________________________

You are obviously making a great effort over Christmas for the sake of your Godson at some cost to yourself and the way you are feeling at the moment.I hope it proves to be a reasonable time for you.

Your time spent at the gym seems to be a very positive experience all round.Your determination to grapple with all your many issues is admirable.

We are here if you need us at this difficult time.

Jo

Anotha B: Something More

Samaritans #5

To date I haven't self harmed besides perhaps venting frustration at inanimate objects at times, and subsequently injuring my hands in the process; I've never been a "cutter", and I don't anticipate that I would disfigure myself in such a way that would beckon explanations in due course; how would I ever explain to my daughter that Daddy maimed himself as a coping mechanism? That would not be a positive example to set for my child whatsoever. My music is sufficient for channeling my darkest thoughts, which are then shared with online forums where I can discuss the content and lyrical influences with strangers, behind the anonymity of a moniker.

You are correct regarding Christmas, I've reluctantly decorated my home albeit sparsely, only for the benefit of my Godson. He is too young to comprehend why I would elect to overlook the festivities, since everything is still magical during those years of naivety and innocence. I intend to spend much of Christmas, including the 25th with my Mother at her residence, in hopes this can at least serve to distract me to some extent, however I remain doubtful and pessimistic. I am declining the invitations to go out celebrating, for I feel I have nothing to celebrate; given my state of mind, I don't feel comfortable with drinking through fear of the consequences. I'm aware that alcohol is a depressant, and the last thing I need to compete with when I'm already depressed is lowered inhibitions and the potential to act irresponsibly as a result, be that relapsing or misdirected aggression/violence.

__________________________

We are pleased that you are making an effort on behalf of your godson, this Christmas.

Although it will be difficult for you not being with your daughter, hopefully you can put a lot of effort into making your godson's Christmas memorable for him.

In an earlier email you state that you enjoy going to the gym with your brother. Is this something that helps you to let off steam and cope with your pent up frustration? Is it possible for you to do more physical activity, either at the gym or just jogging, with or without your brother?

Remember that we are here for you whilst you need our support.

Jo

Samaritans #4

I write and record music; I pour all my darkest and truest thoughts into it and at least that way I can process them to some extent. My daughter means too much for me to ever jeopardise losing her over rash emotional actions; violence is not becoming of me, and as much as I may fantasize about revenge, I know deep down that it will not bring me any happiness in the long term. The only way I can find inner peace and happiness is by fighting for my daughter the approved way, through legal channels. I am more likely to self harm behind closed doors than I am to reveal my anger in public - secretly harming myself will not hinder my court proceedings, even if publicised it would not be as much of an issue as acting on violent fantasies.

I have a close relationship with my Godson, my sister and one of my brothers also with whom I go the gym 3x a week. I manage to maintain a level head in company and to focus on the endgame, it's purely in solitude where I dwell and over think, allowing myself to get caught up in an emotional whirlpool which then consumes me. I live alone, and due to my drug debts and solicitor costs I don't have the financial capacity to accommodate a social lifestyle that would keep me occupied for greater periods of time than at present, meaning there are frequent long periods where I am alone with my thoughts.

I am already aware Christmas will be a very difficult time, since it's my daughters first, and it is a unique occasion that I can never get the chance to repeat - yet through no fault of my own, I'm excluded. If it wasn't for my Godson, I would likely shut myself away for the duration and have no active involvement in any festivities. I am incapable of complete enjoyment at present, nothing I do can ever bring me true happiness because I forever have the knowledge of my daughters absence preying on my conscience.

__________________________

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. It sounds as if you are managing to channel your darkest thoughts into your music. You mention that you self harm.

Are you able to talk about this a little more?

You mention that if it were not for your godson, you would not be getting involved in any of the Christmas festivities. Would I be right in guessing that you will be putting on a brave face for his sake, and joining in the celebrations with him, your mum and her partner?

Do keep in touch for as long as you find it is helping to talk with us.

Jo

Samaritans #3

I don't frequently feel suicidal, it crosses my mind occasionally albeit briefly. I only view it as a means to an end when I allow myself to get emotionally run down, but I can usually shake the thoughts after a short while because I focus on my Godson and my other family, especially my sister - I couldn't bare to be responsible for hurting them with bereavement and grieving.

It's hardest knowing that this is my daughters first Christmas, and I'm not going to get to spend it with her. This feeling of helplessness is what makes me emotionally weak. I either get depressed and can't sleep/eat/concentrate, or I get excessively angry with the Mother who I hold solely responsible for the fact I am being prevented access. I must stress however, I have never publicised my anger, I do not show any sign of aggression or resentment towards the Mother besides behind closed doors to myself. I hate how she is making me feel, I have never wished death on anyone, or brought harm to anybody, but at present my honest thought is that I wish she had died in labour. I wish the Mother of my child wasn't here to stop me seeing my daughter.

Closure would help, but there is no justification for what she is putting me through; if I was still abusing drugs or if I was violent or irresponsible then I could at least see a little method in the madness. As it stands, I have changed everything to be there for my daughter, and yet here I am facing a future of uncertainty and doubt with the potential of not ever knowing my own child.

__________________________

It's good to hear that you are managing to control your occasional suicidal thoughts. It sounds as though your relationship with your Godson and with your sister helps to see you through the dark times.

You say that you only show your anger behind closed doors to yourself. What is your release for this? Do you feel you will be able to continue to control it this way?

We understand that Christmas might be difficult for you. You can continue to email us if you need to. We'll be here.

Jo

Samaritans #2

I'm glad you can empathise, it's hard discussing my deepest darkest thoughts and experiences with those close, I don't get a genuine unbiased response - I feel like every reply is sugar coated because those I trust enough to divulge too are the people who I hold dearest. At the same time I don't feel comfortable burdening them with my concerns, it's not fair to give them something else to worry about.

I considered speaking to a counselor but dismissed the idea because I feel it would serve to work against me in trying to secure access to my child; almost as though if I'm really as depressed as I feel, then nobody would feel comfortable leaving me with a child if that makes sense?

The suicide thing works both ways; on one hand it has shown how easy it would be to just exit stage left, to finally just close the door on everything and escape from all the drama. On the other hand I have always been close to my family, I have a lot of siblings who mean the world to me, and especially after seeing my sister suffer following the loss of her husband, I couldn't bare to be responsible for putting her through that again. I also have a 3yr old Godson who is being raised with my Mum and her partner who is also female, and I see him twice a week; he idolises me, I'm like the Father he doesn't have. A long story short, he suffered neglect and Social Services awarded my Mum full custody through court, my Godson has nothing to do with his biological parents so I feel an obligation to be a strong male role model for him. I feel like I am letting him down constantly and failing him massively by being so depressed and withdrawn.

I hold down a good job as a Computer Technician and a Website Developer, well paid and local to my residence which serves to help me as an escape for a while since it's very hands on and engaging which keeps me occupied. Given my drugs history, I opted to ostracise myself socially from the majority of my peers since they embrace the very lifestyle I am now avoiding. Unfortunately, with cutting off so many friends, I am left with only a handful, none of who can relate to what I've been through since they've not been there to witness it - this puts me in a catch 22, because the only people I can turn too in reality are those I know I need to steer clear of for my own good.

The nightmares are sickening, but worse than the graphicness of the recall, is how justified they seem? I begin to almost believe that any subsequent actions on my behalf could be considered reasonable given my circumstances? That's what scares me most; the fear that I don't have control, the fear that someday when I'm feeling significantly weak and provoked, that I may act on what I almost romanticise in my vividest dreams. It is a constant battle to keep up my mask, bottle up my emotions, and convince the world that behind my broken smile isn't a monster who is falling apart at the seams.

__________________________

Your situation must be very difficult to work through. It is good to know that there is your Godson around and that you relate well to each other.

It may need more time before you feel comfortable to open up to some of your friends. Then you could find a greater degree of support from them, and strength through them.

Are you feeling suicidal right now?

This is a safe place to explore your feelings in confidence.

We are not here to judge you.

Jo

Samaritans #1

 I'm a 25yr old male, and in short, I feel like just giving up.

I was with my ex-fiance for 4yrs, we got engaged 3yrs in - during this time she cheated on me repeatedly although I never found out until afterwards. We had a heated breakup during which her sister slit her own wrist no more than half a metre in front of my face, and my ex ran me over in a car I'd bought her as a gift previously. I discovered she'd slept with my best friend, and a couple of days after we separated, she and him became an item. I struggled to cope with this and became a regular marijuana user, and a heavy drinker, simply to subdue everything and to fill the empty void my ex had once filled.

02/08/11 a close friend of mine committed suicide, leaving behind his 2 children, a daughter and a son whom I'd seen raised from birth. The reason for his suicide was due to lack of access to his children, although he never openly admitted it during life, it was documented in the letter he left behind. The bereavement hit me really hard and I turned to cocaine to suppress everything. I was beginning to come to terms with this loss, when on 07/10/11 a girl I had once been very close and intimate with died off an epileptic fit in her bath, leaving behind her 6 children. This again hit me hard, leaving me relying on the cocaine to cope. Just when I thought it was all done and I could start picking up the pieces of my life, my brother in law committed suicide on 10/11/11 leaving behind his 2 children from his previous relationship prior to being married to my sister. During this period I amassed a £16,000 debt from cocaine, something that I will be paying back for a very long time.

I got back in touch with a girl I had always been close during this period and she helped me to fight back the darkness. I quit the drug abuse and focused on getting my life back on track; she was aware of everything, the loss, the drugs, my insecurities. She split up with me at the end of January saying she wasn't ready for a relationship. Ironically a week later she told me that she was pregnant.

For the duration of the pregnancy I focused on trying to better myself, to be the best Father I could for my child, even contributing financially throughout the second and third trimesters. I'd always sworn to never fail as a parent. The Mother pushed me away during the pregnancy, refused to let me attend scans, then never advised msyelf she was in labour knowing how much I wanted to cut the umbilical cord. This hurt me a lot. We had been amicable during the third trimester of the pregnancy after a few heated debates prior to that regarding access, and due to my own Mother questioning the child's paternity since myself and the Mother separated a week prior to discovering she was pregnant and we hadn't been settled for a couple of weeks before the separation.

Following the birth of my daughter on 18/10/12 the Mother delighted in telling me that I would be allowed a mere 1hr access a week, which would be supervised by her immediate family at her Mother's address and my own family would not be allowed to meet my child. She followed this up by leaving me off the birth certificate with a smug smile, and telling me I had no rights as a result. She attempted to threaten me out of court action saying I would not have a leg to stand on given my drugs history. I was not satisfied with this and sought legal advice, who advised me that they would write to my ex in order to arrange mediation, and if applicable court proceedings to resolve this. My ex became enraged upon receiving the letter from my solicitors, her own Mother verbally abused me calling me a sperm donor, and even threatened to assault me, before demanding I leave her house and never return. I was also informed that I would no longer be allowed to see my daughter whatsoever until the court forced otherwise. That was 3wks ago.

I struggle to sleep, feel constantly depressed, and can't concentrate. I've had nightmares where I've murdered the Mother of my child, and nightmares where I've committed suicide leaving behind notes blaming the Mother. I feel like I'm sinking into a really dark place from which there is no escape. I have fought tooth and nail to overcome everything, to come to terms with the loss of 3 people, to get through my drug problems, and now I feel it's worth was naught, because despite everything, I'm still crying myself to sleep at night. I know that deep down I will win the court proceedings, but everything I read or hear indicates this will be a very lengthy and drawn out process, during which I cannot see my daughter, and it breaks my heart too pieces every waking minute of every day. All articles online also advise that Mothers frequently breach court orders for access, because courts do not like enforcing punishments as the child is directly affected if the Mother is imprisoned or fined.

I feel like all that I do is pointless, that pushing through and paying for court will ultimately serve to be pointless, and that the rest of my life will be a constant battle to keep my daughter in my life whilst the Mother just willfully attempts to prevent it. The Mother will poison my child against me, and through no fault of my own, I'll have to live with a huge chasm in my life where my daughter should be.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I just feeling like shutting myself away and waiting until I'm too numb and withdrawn to care anymore.

I need to escape.

__________________________

Thanks for contacting Samaritans.

Life can be very unfair sometimes, and it sounds as though you have had a lot more than your fair share of troubles to deal with. You have showed great courage and strength in breaking your drug habit - and in fighting to maintain contact with your baby daughter, although this is so painful, slow and frustrating. You write clearly and vividly about your experiences. It seems that you take life and its decisions very seriously.

All things considered, it is not surprising that you are feeling battered by everything that has been thrown at you. The nightmares sound very disturbing and it sounds as though you feel you are losing control of things. Are you working, and do you have friends who you can talk to, or just spend time with - anything to give you a bit of relief or distraction, if only for short while?

You've had a tragically broad direct experience of suicide. How has that made you feel about suicide yourself?

Of course, Samaritans cannot solve any of the problems that you are faced with, but I hope that being able to unburden yourself and talk things through with us will help a bit.

We'll be rooting for you - and we'll be here for as long as you find it's helpful.

Jo

Whiplash: The End of an Era

Whiplash wasn’t even in the majority of peoples vocabulary a decade ago, and now it’s on the lips of a significant and rising number of motorists following a vehicle accident or bump. Claimants often overlook the knock on effect and causality of their decision to proceed with fraudulent or exaggerated whiplash claims – this isn’t a victimless crime, it’s all the honest drivers who resultantly suffer.

Fraud of Choice

James Dalton, the head of Motor and Liability at the ABI (Association of British Insurers) has recently advised that “for too long, whiplash has been seen as the fraud of choice”, referring to those who knowingly claim for exaggerated or fraudulent injuries as “cheats” who are increasing insurance premiums around £90 every year for honest motorists.

Mr. Dalton also indicated that there was flawed correlation in data, where UK roads are becoming safer, yet whiplash claims continue to average around 1,500 per day.¹ This statistic is a reflection on 2011, with over 550,000 claims made for whiplash injuries in the UK alone², gaining us the title of “Whiplash Capital of Europe” to quote Graeme Trudgill, the head of Corporate Affairs for BIBA (British Insurance Brokers’ Association). Figures support that since 2006 we have witnessed a 60% increase in personal injury claims resulting from motoring accidents, which contrasts very heavily against the 20% decrease in reported accidents during the same period.³

Numbers Don’t Lie

Statistics for whiplash can be very alarming, but at the same time very concrete in supporting accusations that we are witnessing an increase in exaggerated or fraudulent claims; these same statistics are also very supportive when explaining increase in premiums year on year for motorists.

Research by major UK insurer Axa recently revealed that 7% of UK doctors surveyed has been offered money if they would refer patients with whiplash for the purpose of claims. The same study also concluded that on average, doctors believe that 37% of whiplash claims are fraudulent, with as high as 1/3 of the doctors believing there are more fake claims made than genuine.⁴

Other statistics suggest that just over 0.7% of the UK’s total population claim for whiplash related injuries every year; although less than 1%, considering that the UK’s population is roughly 63 million people, that 0.7% equates to around half a million whiplash claims. The cost for whiplash related treatment through the NHS is estimated at £8 million a year, and for the insurers involved, a sickening £2 billion in pay-out’s for the same period.⁵

It may seem like easy money to claim for whiplash when you are involved in a bump, but not only does every other driver suffer as a result, you are also risking prosecution for fraud.
_________________________

¹ http://www.insuranceage.co.uk/insurance-age/news/2231053/mixed-reaction-to-government-proposals-on-whiplash
² http://www.insurancedaily.co.uk/2012/11/10/abi-impatient-over-whiplash-consultation/
³ http://www.insuranceage.co.uk/insurance-age/news/2231196/biba-supports-mojs-whiplash-consultation
⁴ http://www.insurancedaily.co.uk/2012/09/20/axa-doctors-call-for-whiplash-control-measures/
⁵ http://www.insurancedaily.co.uk/2011/05/19/abi-calls-for-end-to-uks-pain-in-the-neck-culture/

I’m Dreaming of a No Claims Christmas

When we think of Christmas, we tend to envisage the snow falling enchantingly, presents wrapped up beneath the ambient glow of an elegantly decorated tree, the smell of turkey decorating every room of the house, and of course celebrating festivities with the family. What we overlook however, is that Christmas brings with it the need for heightened awareness and precautions.

Recent studies have shown that over Christmas and New Year, claims figures rise somewhat dramatically, and companies nationwide are offering advice on how to minimise the risks for yourself.

Motor Accident Claims

The week leading up to Christmas is often plagued with motor accidents as the weather conditions deteriorate, icy roads become frequent, and more importantly, drivers rush desperately to finish up with their shopping. Leading UK insurer Aviva reports that there is a 25% increase in motor accidents the week leading up to Christmas, whilst Virgin Money Car Insurance advises around a 40% increase in motor claims on the final Saturday before Christmas. The big day itself, Christmas Day, sees a 55% decline in motor claims, and the week between then and New Year is surprisingly the safest of the year for car accidents research has proven.¹ Also figures from Axa clearly support Aviva, with their own statistics reflecting a concerning 200% increase in single vehicle incidents such as skidding on ice into walls during December.²

Household Claims

More worrying than Motor Accident Claims during the festive periods are household claims. Statistics from recent studies by companies indicate that burglary is unfortunately common during the festive period; Christmas Day and Boxing Day are relatively safe advises Aviva, with a distinct 55% decrease on the big day itself as the thieves also take a break to enjoy the festivities. This doesn’t mean you’re safe on Christmas Day however, although there is a decrease in vehicle accidents and burglary claims, there is a 110% increase in fire claims, often as a result of candles, decoration lights and cooking.¹ Boxing Day saw a whopping 12% of total claims in December for Sainsbury’s Home Insurance, many for product breakages whilst people let their hair down to celebrate and relax.³

Research provided by specialist home insurance underwriter Hiscox advised that almost 10% of people they surveyed had been burgled during the Christmas period ⁴ and a survey by Abbey Insurance revealed that 16% of homeowners, an overwhelming 7.4 million, will stay in over the period simply through fear of being burgled.⁵ Statistics prove that New Years Eve is the night where you’re most at risk, with 10yrs of data from Aviva reporting a 20% increase in burglaries when compared to the rest of the Christmas period; nationwide statistics reflect up to 1.1 million break-ins on NYE alone.⁶ Also New Year’s Eve is another day to ensure you’re fire safe, as there is again a spike in fire claims with a 45% increase, often due to the use of fireworks in celebrations.¹

Make sure you are safe this Christmas, keep a note of the above information and protect yourself from being a victim over this festive period.


¹ http://www.aviva.co.uk/help-and-advice/home-advice/useful-articles/apples-not-satsumas.html
² http://www.postonline.co.uk/post/news/2133602/insurers-warn-christmas-car-crashes
³ http://www.bestdealinsurance.co.uk/sainsburys-home-insurance-boxing-day-sees-most
⁴ http://www.insurancedaily.co.uk/2010/12/15/hiscox-emphasises-home-security-at-christmas
⁵ http://www.insurance-business-review.com/news/three_quarters_of_brits_worried_about_new_years_eve_burglaries_says_abbey
⁶ http://www.insurancedaily.co.uk/2007/12/31/boxing-day-for-breakages-new-years-eve-for-burglaries/ 

Drink Driving: Don’t Get Stung This Xmas!

Liverpool Victoria, a leading UK underwriter, has published a press release revealing a staggering nationwide ignorance to the reality of drink driving, and regarding how many units of alcohol can be consumed before getting behind the wheel.

Between the 2nd and the 4th of November 2012, a total of 2028 adults aged 18+ in Great Britain were surveyed online regarding drink driving.

Statistics provided in the report claimed that 80% of the drivers surveyed underestimated the units of alcohol in a pint of lager, 55% mistakenly believed a 250ml glass of wine contained 2 units or less of alcohol when it’s actually 3 units, and 1/5 of the drivers failed to name the correct number of units for any alcoholic beverage. The statistics are even more concerning when you consider that despite this ignorance, 15% of the drivers admitted that they have driven under the influence whilst knowingly over the legal alcohol limit, and an overwhelming 88% admitted they were aware it negatively affected their driving and reactions.
The ignorance unfortunately did not stop at being uneducated on the amount of units per alcoholic drink, a whopping 66% of those surveyed did not even know what the legal limits are!

- 80mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood
- 35mg of alcohol per 100ml of breath
- 107mg of alcohol per 100ml of urine

Due to factors including, but not limited to, age, gender and metabolism, tolerance to alcohol varies, meaning it may be difficult to judge whether you are over the limit purely by judging how inebriated you feel. As a general rule of thumb:

- Approximately 4 units for the average Male
- Approximately 2.5 units for the average Female
Do yourself a favour this Xmas, don’t get yourself arrested and banned from driving. Official Police Data made available to LV= confirmed nationwide suspicions that December is the month where arrests for drink driving peak, as there are publicised crackdowns annually over the festive period. Greater Manchester Police hold the current record for the number of drivers caught under the influence over the last 3 years, averaging over 360 per month; this is almost double that of runners up Hampshire Police with 7006 drivers caught over the same period.

If you’re going to take one piece of advice this year, listen to John O’Roarke the Managing Director of LV= car insurance.

“The only way to be certain of being under the limit is to completely abstain from alcohol before driving. The key to enjoying the festive season is to plan ahead and don’t drive if you’ve had a drink.”

_______________________________________________________

Source: http://www.lv.com/media_centre/press_releases/drivers-clueless-about-drink-drive-limits 

You Should Know

It's been a hard twelve months,
Story of my life, but I ain't lied once,
And I won't start now - God as my judge,
I stay honest with the facts like a real man should.

I'll take it from the top, let you hear the lot,
From the love your Mum forgot, to her cutting me off,
My name is Ben Scott but you can call me Dad,
I'm the Father you're Mother never wanted you to have.

Let's take it back, December twenty-eleven,
Me and Mummy opted for an Angel sent from Heaven,
We made changes to accommodate you in our world,
Planned out a future with our own baby girl,
But something must've changed, Mummy acting strange,
End of January came left Daddy alone again,
Mummy cut the ties, called it damage limitation,
A week later saw Daddy waiting round impatient,
The clearblue test came back with a plus,
You had been conceived, Daddy quit the drugs,
From that moment you affected, everything he does,
Changed for the better just for you, out of love.

But it didn't seem enough, so Daddy tried harder,
Tried to sort it out so I could be the perfect Father,
We went to the doctors for the confirmation,
Informed you were real after sitting and waiting,
Mummy suggested that me and her should live together,
So we could raise you right and you're life could be better,
First saw your heartbeat at the eight week scan,
And inside I knew that I would do anything I can,
Me and Mummy were okay but far from perfect,
In Chester for her birthday made Daddy feel worthless,
Arguments and distance, suspicions and doubt,
Ended up with your Mummy and your Daddy falling out.

Then was the twelve week scan where we saw you again,
Even though things were rocky even way back then,
It was April, we bought you a car seat and a pram,
And Daddy paid for a private 16 week scan,
Daddy switched jobs so he could see you more,
Mummy saw this as a chance for war,
Bought you a cot then asked Daddy for some cash,
Daddy didn't have at the time your Mummy asked,
Said it left her skint, made me feel a failure,
Then went out and bought a car two days later,
Told Dad he wasn't welcome at the 20 week scan,
Claimed that this was always part of the plan,
Threatened to break in Daddys house just because,
He refused to take all her stuff 4 miles on a bus.

I saw you again when you were 16 weeks,
And got footage of you moving on a DVD,
I uploaded it on Facebook which gave an excuse...
For your Mummy and her friend to give your Daddy abuse,
Said that you were never planned, that Daddy was a liar,
But Daddy had the evidence to make that backfire...
So her friend backed off, and so did your Mummy,
Then 5 days later asked Daddy for some money,
I paid £130 although I couldn't afford too,
I knew you were worth it so it's something I fought through.

A few days later your Mum was back to pick a fight,
Because I'd made a song about you staying in my life,
Demanded that I never mentioned you to the world,
To pretend I wasn't happy about my own baby girl,
Your Nana questioned Mummy if she was sure you were mine,
Because your Mummy was trying to cut me off all the time,
Mummy threatened Daddy that he'd never get to see you,
And said that your Nana would never ever get to meet you,
Daddy chose your name, you're my Ilysha Jade,
Spelt I.L.Y. - because I Love You babe,
Mummy asked Daddy not to let the world know your name,
But a few weeks later she went and told them all the same.

Mummy came to Daddy's house so he could feel you kick,
Then laughed afterwards that you'd slept through it,
I was called a sperm donor and your Mother agreed,
Then she took you off to Turkey flying overseas,
Whilst you were abroad Daddy learned those truths,
Educated the world about the lies and abuse,
So when Mummy returned she was not best pleased,
I could be at the birth though she still agreed,
Said that Daddy could see you all Paternity leave,
And pretty much every night, it was hard to believe,
It had truly seemed that we'd finally buried the hatchet,
And the reassurances? Nothing else could match it.

We were close through July, everything seemed okay,
I had Mummy's bank details so I could transfer my pay,
Paid her £180 so she could buy you nice stuff,
And sent laminated copies of your scans to put up,
In August your Daddy made your Mummy a picture,
It was a timeline of your growth that Mummy took with her,
When she came to see Daddy for a chat and a drink,
We discussed your birth plans and everything.

Mummy sent Daddy a link so he could see you kick,
Whilst hearing my song - you danced along to it,
We discussed delayed cord clamping, because Mummy knew,
That Daddy wanted to be there to cut the cord for you,
Confirmed that I would be there to see you into the world,
To bear witness to the birth of my baby girl,
Mummy was moving house at the end of September,
She invited Daddy round to take photo's to remember,
I went to Mummys old flat to get pictures of your bump,
Daddy stayed for 3hrs, and we never argued once,
I took a photo in her house as a memory that day,
Shared it with the world to show that we were both okay.

Mid September, still everything was going fine,
Then Mummy texted Daddy saying that she had changed her mind,
Daddy was no longer welcome to be at your birth,
This upset Daddy but he tried to make it work,
Agreed he could still cut the cord as anticipated,
But he would only be informed at 5cm dilated,
Daddy was concerned that he would miss the opportunity,
But Mummy said tough which left your Daddy losing sleep,
He tried to argue but your Mummy wouldn't budge,
Then she made an issue out of anything she could.

The picture at her flat where she no longer lived,
Was made into an excuse that she couldn't forgive,
Used it as a reason to question the trust,
And then as ammunition to justify what she does,
Said Daddy would never be allowed to take your picture,
He couldn't know the address where she moved to with ya,
To expect not to see you the week after your birth,
I tried to contest but that just made it worse.

Daddy backed off to give your Mummy some space,
Then you were born at 43 minutes past eight,
Your Daddy got a call around half past nine,
Saying that you'd been born and everything was fine,
I was welcome to come to the maternity ward,
But I'd missed the opportunity to cut your cord,
Mum said it wasn't her fault, she didn't intend,
Yet during the labour she'd been texting her friend,
I held you for an hour, too overwhelmed to weep,
I silenced you crying and I rocked you to sleep.

After your birth I asked daily to see you,
But Mummy refused - wouldn't let Daddy near you,
You came my house for an hour finally 4 days later,
But I couldn't hold you on the off chance I would wake ya,
I kept asking to see you, but talking to walls,
Mummy told me just one hour a week or nothing at all,
Told not to show you off, my own baby girl,
Whilst Mummy's friend shared your photo with the world.

Another 4 days passed before I saw you again,
I had to come to your Nanas and sit with them,
I was subjected to abuse and told not to fight,
Because when it came to you - Daddy has no right,
So he went to a solicitors to fight for you,
He wanted to be there and do right by you,
Once more Mummy decided to go behind his back,
Left Daddy off your birth certificate and laughed,
So that was that... Daddy pushed ahead with court,
The solicitor offered him her full support,
They arranged mediation to try to talk it through.
Mummy and Daddy could discuss their support for you.

Then Daddy came to see you for the final time,
And your Mummy and her family crossed the final line,
Your Nana threatened your Daddy, shouting harsh abuse,
For the things that she said there is no excuse,
Called Daddy a sperm donor, that's all he'd ever be,
That your birth certificate he had no right to see,
Said that cause your Daddy had chose to fight for you,
That he can't see you until the courts are through.