I'm glad you can empathise, it's hard discussing my deepest darkest thoughts and experiences with those close, I don't get a genuine unbiased response - I feel like every reply is sugar coated because those I trust enough to divulge too are the people who I hold dearest. At the same time I don't feel comfortable burdening them with my concerns, it's not fair to give them something else to worry about.
I considered speaking to a counselor but dismissed the idea because I feel it would serve to work against me in trying to secure access to my child; almost as though if I'm really as depressed as I feel, then nobody would feel comfortable leaving me with a child if that makes sense?
The suicide thing works both ways; on one hand it has shown how easy it would be to just exit stage left, to finally just close the door on everything and escape from all the drama. On the other hand I have always been close to my family, I have a lot of siblings who mean the world to me, and especially after seeing my sister suffer following the loss of her husband, I couldn't bare to be responsible for putting her through that again. I also have a 3yr old Godson who is being raised with my Mum and her partner who is also female, and I see him twice a week; he idolises me, I'm like the Father he doesn't have. A long story short, he suffered neglect and Social Services awarded my Mum full custody through court, my Godson has nothing to do with his biological parents so I feel an obligation to be a strong male role model for him. I feel like I am letting him down constantly and failing him massively by being so depressed and withdrawn.
I hold down a good job as a Computer Technician and a Website Developer, well paid and local to my residence which serves to help me as an escape for a while since it's very hands on and engaging which keeps me occupied. Given my drugs history, I opted to ostracise myself socially from the majority of my peers since they embrace the very lifestyle I am now avoiding. Unfortunately, with cutting off so many friends, I am left with only a handful, none of who can relate to what I've been through since they've not been there to witness it - this puts me in a catch 22, because the only people I can turn too in reality are those I know I need to steer clear of for my own good.
The nightmares are sickening, but worse than the graphicness of the recall, is how justified they seem? I begin to almost believe that any subsequent actions on my behalf could be considered reasonable given my circumstances? That's what scares me most; the fear that I don't have control, the fear that someday when I'm feeling significantly weak and provoked, that I may act on what I almost romanticise in my vividest dreams. It is a constant battle to keep up my mask, bottle up my emotions, and convince the world that behind my broken smile isn't a monster who is falling apart at the seams.
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Your situation must be very difficult to work through. It is good to know that there is your Godson around and that you relate well to each other.
It may need more time before you feel comfortable to open up to some of your friends. Then you could find a greater degree of support from them, and strength through them.
Are you feeling suicidal right now?
This is a safe place to explore your feelings in confidence.
We are not here to judge you.
Jo
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