Samaritans #4

I write and record music; I pour all my darkest and truest thoughts into it and at least that way I can process them to some extent. My daughter means too much for me to ever jeopardise losing her over rash emotional actions; violence is not becoming of me, and as much as I may fantasize about revenge, I know deep down that it will not bring me any happiness in the long term. The only way I can find inner peace and happiness is by fighting for my daughter the approved way, through legal channels. I am more likely to self harm behind closed doors than I am to reveal my anger in public - secretly harming myself will not hinder my court proceedings, even if publicised it would not be as much of an issue as acting on violent fantasies.

I have a close relationship with my Godson, my sister and one of my brothers also with whom I go the gym 3x a week. I manage to maintain a level head in company and to focus on the endgame, it's purely in solitude where I dwell and over think, allowing myself to get caught up in an emotional whirlpool which then consumes me. I live alone, and due to my drug debts and solicitor costs I don't have the financial capacity to accommodate a social lifestyle that would keep me occupied for greater periods of time than at present, meaning there are frequent long periods where I am alone with my thoughts.

I am already aware Christmas will be a very difficult time, since it's my daughters first, and it is a unique occasion that I can never get the chance to repeat - yet through no fault of my own, I'm excluded. If it wasn't for my Godson, I would likely shut myself away for the duration and have no active involvement in any festivities. I am incapable of complete enjoyment at present, nothing I do can ever bring me true happiness because I forever have the knowledge of my daughters absence preying on my conscience.

__________________________

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. It sounds as if you are managing to channel your darkest thoughts into your music. You mention that you self harm.

Are you able to talk about this a little more?

You mention that if it were not for your godson, you would not be getting involved in any of the Christmas festivities. Would I be right in guessing that you will be putting on a brave face for his sake, and joining in the celebrations with him, your mum and her partner?

Do keep in touch for as long as you find it is helping to talk with us.

Jo