Samaritans #1

 I'm a 25yr old male, and in short, I feel like just giving up.

I was with my ex-fiance for 4yrs, we got engaged 3yrs in - during this time she cheated on me repeatedly although I never found out until afterwards. We had a heated breakup during which her sister slit her own wrist no more than half a metre in front of my face, and my ex ran me over in a car I'd bought her as a gift previously. I discovered she'd slept with my best friend, and a couple of days after we separated, she and him became an item. I struggled to cope with this and became a regular marijuana user, and a heavy drinker, simply to subdue everything and to fill the empty void my ex had once filled.

02/08/11 a close friend of mine committed suicide, leaving behind his 2 children, a daughter and a son whom I'd seen raised from birth. The reason for his suicide was due to lack of access to his children, although he never openly admitted it during life, it was documented in the letter he left behind. The bereavement hit me really hard and I turned to cocaine to suppress everything. I was beginning to come to terms with this loss, when on 07/10/11 a girl I had once been very close and intimate with died off an epileptic fit in her bath, leaving behind her 6 children. This again hit me hard, leaving me relying on the cocaine to cope. Just when I thought it was all done and I could start picking up the pieces of my life, my brother in law committed suicide on 10/11/11 leaving behind his 2 children from his previous relationship prior to being married to my sister. During this period I amassed a £16,000 debt from cocaine, something that I will be paying back for a very long time.

I got back in touch with a girl I had always been close during this period and she helped me to fight back the darkness. I quit the drug abuse and focused on getting my life back on track; she was aware of everything, the loss, the drugs, my insecurities. She split up with me at the end of January saying she wasn't ready for a relationship. Ironically a week later she told me that she was pregnant.

For the duration of the pregnancy I focused on trying to better myself, to be the best Father I could for my child, even contributing financially throughout the second and third trimesters. I'd always sworn to never fail as a parent. The Mother pushed me away during the pregnancy, refused to let me attend scans, then never advised msyelf she was in labour knowing how much I wanted to cut the umbilical cord. This hurt me a lot. We had been amicable during the third trimester of the pregnancy after a few heated debates prior to that regarding access, and due to my own Mother questioning the child's paternity since myself and the Mother separated a week prior to discovering she was pregnant and we hadn't been settled for a couple of weeks before the separation.

Following the birth of my daughter on 18/10/12 the Mother delighted in telling me that I would be allowed a mere 1hr access a week, which would be supervised by her immediate family at her Mother's address and my own family would not be allowed to meet my child. She followed this up by leaving me off the birth certificate with a smug smile, and telling me I had no rights as a result. She attempted to threaten me out of court action saying I would not have a leg to stand on given my drugs history. I was not satisfied with this and sought legal advice, who advised me that they would write to my ex in order to arrange mediation, and if applicable court proceedings to resolve this. My ex became enraged upon receiving the letter from my solicitors, her own Mother verbally abused me calling me a sperm donor, and even threatened to assault me, before demanding I leave her house and never return. I was also informed that I would no longer be allowed to see my daughter whatsoever until the court forced otherwise. That was 3wks ago.

I struggle to sleep, feel constantly depressed, and can't concentrate. I've had nightmares where I've murdered the Mother of my child, and nightmares where I've committed suicide leaving behind notes blaming the Mother. I feel like I'm sinking into a really dark place from which there is no escape. I have fought tooth and nail to overcome everything, to come to terms with the loss of 3 people, to get through my drug problems, and now I feel it's worth was naught, because despite everything, I'm still crying myself to sleep at night. I know that deep down I will win the court proceedings, but everything I read or hear indicates this will be a very lengthy and drawn out process, during which I cannot see my daughter, and it breaks my heart too pieces every waking minute of every day. All articles online also advise that Mothers frequently breach court orders for access, because courts do not like enforcing punishments as the child is directly affected if the Mother is imprisoned or fined.

I feel like all that I do is pointless, that pushing through and paying for court will ultimately serve to be pointless, and that the rest of my life will be a constant battle to keep my daughter in my life whilst the Mother just willfully attempts to prevent it. The Mother will poison my child against me, and through no fault of my own, I'll have to live with a huge chasm in my life where my daughter should be.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I just feeling like shutting myself away and waiting until I'm too numb and withdrawn to care anymore.

I need to escape.

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Thanks for contacting Samaritans.

Life can be very unfair sometimes, and it sounds as though you have had a lot more than your fair share of troubles to deal with. You have showed great courage and strength in breaking your drug habit - and in fighting to maintain contact with your baby daughter, although this is so painful, slow and frustrating. You write clearly and vividly about your experiences. It seems that you take life and its decisions very seriously.

All things considered, it is not surprising that you are feeling battered by everything that has been thrown at you. The nightmares sound very disturbing and it sounds as though you feel you are losing control of things. Are you working, and do you have friends who you can talk to, or just spend time with - anything to give you a bit of relief or distraction, if only for short while?

You've had a tragically broad direct experience of suicide. How has that made you feel about suicide yourself?

Of course, Samaritans cannot solve any of the problems that you are faced with, but I hope that being able to unburden yourself and talk things through with us will help a bit.

We'll be rooting for you - and we'll be here for as long as you find it's helpful.

Jo