To date I haven't self harmed besides perhaps venting frustration at inanimate objects at times, and subsequently injuring my hands in the process; I've never been a "cutter", and I don't anticipate that I would disfigure myself in such a way that would beckon explanations in due course; how would I ever explain to my daughter that Daddy maimed himself as a coping mechanism? That would not be a positive example to set for my child whatsoever. My music is sufficient for channeling my darkest thoughts, which are then shared with online forums where I can discuss the content and lyrical influences with strangers, behind the anonymity of a moniker.
You are correct regarding Christmas, I've reluctantly decorated my home albeit sparsely, only for the benefit of my Godson. He is too young to comprehend why I would elect to overlook the festivities, since everything is still magical during those years of naivety and innocence. I intend to spend much of Christmas, including the 25th with my Mother at her residence, in hopes this can at least serve to distract me to some extent, however I remain doubtful and pessimistic. I am declining the invitations to go out celebrating, for I feel I have nothing to celebrate; given my state of mind, I don't feel comfortable with drinking through fear of the consequences. I'm aware that alcohol is a depressant, and the last thing I need to compete with when I'm already depressed is lowered inhibitions and the potential to act irresponsibly as a result, be that relapsing or misdirected aggression/violence.
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We are pleased that you are making an effort on behalf of your godson, this Christmas.
Although it will be difficult for you not being with your daughter, hopefully you can put a lot of effort into making your godson's Christmas memorable for him.
In an earlier email you state that you enjoy going to the gym with your brother. Is this something that helps you to let off steam and cope with your pent up frustration? Is it possible for you to do more physical activity, either at the gym or just jogging, with or without your brother?
Remember that we are here for you whilst you need our support.
Jo
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