I don't frequently feel suicidal, it crosses my mind occasionally albeit briefly. I only view it as a means to an end when I allow myself to get emotionally run down, but I can usually shake the thoughts after a short while because I focus on my Godson and my other family, especially my sister - I couldn't bare to be responsible for hurting them with bereavement and grieving.
It's hardest knowing that this is my daughters first Christmas, and I'm not going to get to spend it with her. This feeling of helplessness is what makes me emotionally weak. I either get depressed and can't sleep/eat/concentrate, or I get excessively angry with the Mother who I hold solely responsible for the fact I am being prevented access. I must stress however, I have never publicised my anger, I do not show any sign of aggression or resentment towards the Mother besides behind closed doors to myself. I hate how she is making me feel, I have never wished death on anyone, or brought harm to anybody, but at present my honest thought is that I wish she had died in labour. I wish the Mother of my child wasn't here to stop me seeing my daughter.
Closure would help, but there is no justification for what she is putting me through; if I was still abusing drugs or if I was violent or irresponsible then I could at least see a little method in the madness. As it stands, I have changed everything to be there for my daughter, and yet here I am facing a future of uncertainty and doubt with the potential of not ever knowing my own child.
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It's good to hear that you are managing to control your occasional suicidal thoughts. It sounds as though your relationship with your Godson and with your sister helps to see you through the dark times.
You say that you only show your anger behind closed doors to yourself. What is your release for this? Do you feel you will be able to continue to control it this way?
We understand that Christmas might be difficult for you. You can continue to email us if you need to. We'll be here.
Jo
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