Monthly Musings: December 2021

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Content Consumption 2021

2021 has been another strange year but thankfully not as insane as 2020. 

Monthly Musings: November 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Monthly Musings: October 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Coincidence or Conspiracy

A few resources that make for interesting reading given the Covid-19 pandemic response.

Why Vaccine Passports are Unjustified

There has been a Covid outbreak at my place of work.

The timeline of the outbreak indicates this began directly as a result of the Government messaging surrounding vaccine efficacy and their subsequent policies based on that flawed belief. It concludes that the policies are designed purely to encourage and increase vaccine uptake by "rewarding" the compliant with avoidance of disruptive interventions such as self-isolation, despite the vaccine's inability to negate the virus. Vaccine Passports offer no benefit to public health as they will not prevent or reduce outbreaks as demonstrated in this article.

Let's take a look at the timeline of the outbreak at my employment.

Monthly Musings: September 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Is it Long Covid?

After a short, mild course of illness thanks to the latest novel coronavirus, I had been very conscious of the prospect of developing "Long Covid". A lot of people constantly throw the term around loosely, but is Long Covid even real?

I am suspicious that a lot of diagnoses of Long Covid are in fact a myriad of other conditions including Post-Viral Fatigue, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and even simply Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Several of these can develop after having a viral infection. In the case of the latter, it's inevitable a lot more people will be experiencing anxiety after a relentless 18 month global fear campaign rolled out by the WHO and propagated by local Government patsies.

There is huge similarity and overlap in the symptoms of all of these conditions making diagnosis difficult. In much the same way that every death where someone has tested positive for Covid is awarded a big "Covid" sticker as the cause, I am inclined to believe similarly that anyone with any of these symptoms will simply get a big "Long Covid" sticker slapped on them. It's much easier for medical professionals who cannot be bothered to even see their patients face-to-face that way.

As you can see below, there is a large overlap in these conditions; the only symptoms seemingly unique to Long Covid are the bottom three which affect the hearing/smell/taste, and includes rashes. Again, these symptoms are not without other possible explanation, especially after overcoming a viral infection which also affects the circulatory system, rather than solely the respiratory system.

I believe a lot of "Long Covid" sufferers are actually experiencing GAD, a condition I've lived with for a while now. You become astutely aware over time to how anxiety manifests psychosomatic symptoms into actual physical experiences via your autonomic nervous system. When you are under stress, afraid or experiencing grief or emotional trauma, your autonomic nervous system floods your body with different hormones such as adrenaline which spikes your heart rate and blood pressure; another one of these is cortisol which is released by your adrenal glands. The result of these hormones flooding through your body are the physical symptoms you then experience.

The reality is, your body can be perfectly healthy, but your mental health will still cause physical symptoms to present.

Maybe Long Covid is a real thing? Maybe I'm oversimplifying things? Maybe I'm not? Who knows.

Before anybody gets combative, this was just food for thought based on my own observations.

Monthly Musings: August 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Covid: Expectation vs. Experience

I caught Covid; hello organic acquired immunity.

It was inevitable that in the course of a global pandemic, I would sooner or later be exposed to the pathogen. I've been very vocal about my opposition to the vaccine program for Covid, so the only way I was ever going to acquire immunity was via catching the actual virus; and though I did not actively pursue this, it was always in the back of my mind that it would undoubtedly occur at some point. Here is how the experience compared with my expectations.

I like to think my health is good, which has been a huge factor when assessing my risks where Covid was concerned. For clarity, I'll give a little overview below.

Age: 33
Height: 6'1
Weight: 185lbs
BMI: 24.5

RHR: 60
Blood Pressure: 115/73
SpO2: 98-99%

Allergies: None
Underlying Conditions: None known.
Blood Profile: Taken 23/06/20

All my blood markers were within expected parameters, except for Eosinophil count, however I was advised this was nothing to be concerned about. "low eosinophil count can be the result of intoxication from alcohol or excessive production of cortisol" and by the very fact I felt it necessary to get blood work done indicates I was stressed at that time which would explain the low count.

Regarding activity levels, I walk over 5 miles at least 5 days a week and play competitive football weekly; my total step count for the preceding 12 months was 3,644,710 with a daily average of 9,986. That's 1,766 miles traveled by foot in the same 12 month period.

I vape frequently, and I also drink alcohol socially (heavily on occasion).

My symptom progression was very mild. At no point was I bedridden, unable to function, or worried about hospitalisation. I presented with throat irritation on August 2nd and an infrequent cough. Over the following days this slowly worsened reaching it's peak on August 5th-7th where the cough was more pronounced, and accompanied by feeling achy and run down. As my cough subsided, it was replaced by nasal congestion and anosmia (loss of smell) which resolved around a week after it began as my congestion cleared. My cough returned a little more on August 10th as I developed some phlegm that I had to cough to clear. The chart below shows how my temperature fluctuated, as did my resting heart rate; notice my SpO2 levels never fell outside a healthy range according to my pulse oximeter. All in all, the experience was comparable to a moderate flu. I also did not require any medication (including painkillers) during my illness, and relied on lemon, ginger, garlic and honey instead.

I still have a residual cough lingering after all other symptoms have resolved, although this is mild and infrequent and likely exacerbated by the fact I vape.

I received a positive PCR test on August 16th after having negative LFT tests on August 3rd, August 5th and August 9th. My daughter also caught Covid (likely from myself) and despite receiving a negative LFT test on August 13th, also received a positive PCR on August 15th. Suffice to say I have zero faith in LFT tests.

My daughter is 8 years old. Her symptoms were minor and were originally overlooked as being hay fever related which she suffers with seasonally. Her cough was comparable to throat irritation, she developed a persistent headache that lasted a couple of days, along with loss of appetite. She also experienced mild nasal congestion and sneezing. Again some of these symptoms could be hay fever. At no point did she develop a fever. She did later develop parosmia which was admittedly frustrating for myself, and distressing for my child, however this resolved by itself within a few weeks.

In conclusion, after experiencing Covid first hand, I remain reassured that my existing perception and opinion of this pandemic are justified. The response has been overkill, the vaccine program is farcical and the disease progression is akin to the flu.

Monthly Musings: July 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Why I'm Declining The Vaccine

Out the gate let me just get it on the record that I'm not an "anti-vaxxer", I'm not a "conspiracy theorist", and I don't think Bill Gates is trying to microchip me, or that they're using 5G to activate magnetic metals in the vaccines to kill people.

I loathe being called a "refusenik" or being told I'm "selfish", a "covidiot" or that I deserve to die for declining to have the vaccine. I also take issue with people saying those, such as myself, who decline the vaccine should be refused medical care in the future; this is especially poignant when it's stated aggressively by people who smoke, drink excessively, take drugs, are overweight etc, who themselves are putting undue strain on the NHS with self-inflicted medical issues like cancer, diabetes and heart disease.

I admittedly find it nefarious that Governments are literally bribing people, getting endorsements from celebrities, and trying to strong arm and shame people into getting vaccinated, especially when the vaccine is only authorised under emergency use and is not actually approved in the typical manner. Add that to the fact the manufacturers of the vaccines have been acquitted of any liability, and the Government compensation scheme offers a paltry £125,000 payoff which is notoriously difficult to claim even if you do develop a provable debilitating condition as a result. Even the track record for some of these vaccine manufacturers gives me no reason to trust the safety of their products.

Now with that out of the way, let's look at the logical reasoning behind my informed non-consent.

Immune Response: A Simple Overview

1. Each pathogen that the body is exposed to includes a unique molecule called an "antigen".
   
   
2. The first time the immune system identifies a new antigen, it must learn how to neutralise it.
   
   
3. The immune system produces immunoglobulins (antibodies) to destroy the associated pathogen.
   
   
4. There are 5 different classes/isotypes of antibody; IgA, IgG, IgM, IgE and IgD.
   
   
• The initial response is the IgM antibody which is a "natural antibody" and can bind to specific antigens, even in the absence of prior immunisation.
  
  
• IgA antibodies contribute ~15% of immunoglobulins in the blood but are also present in the respiratory and digestive systems and provide protection against infection those areas of the body. IgA's play a crucial role in protecting mucosal surfaces against antigens by neutralising respiratory viruses or impeding their attachment to epithelial cells.
  
  
• Most important are IgG antibodies which contribute ~75% of antibodies in the blood. The body retains a "catalog" of all IgG antibodies that it has ever made; these can then be rapidly reproduced if a known antigen is detected.
  
  
5. Vaccines are designed to add an entry to the IgG "catalog" without needing to risk illness from exposure to antigens in their natural form. This is only necessary when a pathogen is especially deadly. It is both safer, and more effective for the immune system to encounter most antigens naturally, and produce the respective IgG memory by itself.
   
   
6. Covid mRNA vaccines work by "recoding" the human bodies cells to produce the antigen for the SARS-CoV-2 pathogen, rather than by introducing the pathogen itself. This is the first time vaccines using this approach have been used. Typically vaccines work by introducing a weakened version of a pathogen to the body, so the immune system can learn the antigen and produce the respective antibodies.
   
   
7. Once the self-produced antigen is detected, the immune system begins to produce antibodies to destroy it like usual.
   
   
8. The mRNA vaccine only stimulates IgG antibody production, but not IgA. This means the Covid pathogen is not destroyed in the respiratory system by IgA antibodies and can still be transmitted post vaccine. Where natural infection has occurred, IgA antibodies are present and transmission is reduced.
   
   
9. In the event of future infections of SARS-CoV-2, the immune system can generate the IgG antibodies from it's "catalog" immediately to destroy the pathogen.
   
   
10. In respect of the vaccines, the combined records from EudraVigilance, VAERS and MHRA Yellow Card attribute 24,923 deaths to the vaccines. Additionally there are 3,199,459 adverse events recorded. The adverse events are not all as minor as headaches, fever or a sore throat, some are as serious as:
    
    
• Heart Attacks
  
  
• Strokes
  
  
• Anaphylaxis
  
  
• Blindness
  
  
• Spontaneous Abortion
  
  
• Facial Paralysis
  
  
• Guillain Barre Syndrome
  
  
• Thrombosis
  
  
• Embolism
  
  
• Seizures
  
  
• Paralysis
  
  
• Vertigo/Tinnitus
  
  
• Reproductive/Breast

Monthly Musings: June 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Vaccine Experiments on Kids

Let's assume for a moment that I believe the NHS data on Covid deaths, and that what they record as a "Covid death" is actually somebody who caught Covid and died directly as a result of Covid (which we know isn't always the case).

According to their latest update, in the last 12 weeks there have been just 1,454 Covid deaths in England hospitals. Breaking these down into those with and without health conditions is illuminating.

No, no - you aren't mistaken. That is correct.

A mere 59 people without any pre-existing health conditions have died "with Covid" in the last 3 months.

Taking a look at those who died with pre-existing health conditions, we can get an idea of the health risks these people likely have every day with their conditions regardless of Covid; for example, I know diabetics - their condition needs constant management.

CKD, COPD and CHD are all well known health issues that impact the kidneys, lungs and heart, and are primarily due to poor diet and lifestyle. Dementia and Chronic Neurological Disorders such as Epilepsy, ALS, GBS, MS relate to the brain. Asthma is a lung issue which sporadically impacts those who suffer with it. Rheumatological Disorders refer to conditions that are typically autoimmune diseases whereby the immune system malfunctions - not what you want if you need to fight off a virus.

If we go one further and look at the breakdown of the deaths in the past 3 months, by age bracket, we can really start to ask questions about why the fuck the Government has authorised vaccination of 12-15yr olds.

As expected, the bulk of the 1,454 deaths are in those who are Over 80 or the 60-79 bracket:

In fact, over 60's account for 1,258 of the 1,454 deaths. That's ~87%.

Moving down to the 40-59 bracket, we can see a negligible amount of death with a modest 177. 

But now we're at the 20-39 bracket, and the 0-19 bracket, and it appears the risk at this level is practically non-existent. In fact, a grand total of 19 people under the age of 40 have died "with Covid" in the last 12 weeks.

(Bare in mind also, that the below charts includes those with pre-existing health conditions.)

That's right. In the past 3 months, only 1 person under the age of 19 has died "with Covid" according to NHS England data. For transparency, that 1 person also had pre-existing health condition(s).

So for my sanity, can someone please justify vaccinating the 12-15yr old age bracket with an experimental vaccine?

The world has gone fucking bat shit with collective psychosis.

Monthly Musings: May 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Risk Averse

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm just very risk averse. Pair that with being a logical thinker who is very analytical and it's a deadly combination for astute awareness of what is statistically the favourable option. And for me, that is definitely not "getting vaccinated for Covid-19".

I truly believe that most people against mandatory vaccination, and those choosing not to have the Covid vaccine are not worried about microchips, or dumb conspiracy theories. They are worried that there has not been sufficient testing, and that the medium to long term effects of the vaccine are unknown. Not all adverse effects are immediate, and even some of the already identified adverse effects are concerning such as strokes, blindness, deafness or even death.

SARS-CoV-2 vs. COVID-19

There appears to be a trend of people conflating the two terms, SARS-CoV-2 and COVID-19, and using them interchangeably. Perhaps if people understood the difference, they could better understand the pandemic and the response to it, namely vaccines. I'm going to try to clarify and explain things below to help clear things up.

Vaccine Hesitancy

If you do not wish to have a rushed vaccine (with no long term studies into it's safety or side-effects) injected into your arm, then you're a selfish idiot. At least that is the mantra in 2021.

Does it matter that you are usually pro-vaccines? Does it count for anything that you've had all the routine vaccinations up until now? Does anybody care if you are still fine with having other vaccines with proven safety profiles? In short, no. It doesn't. You need to have this vaccine now. No questions asked. Or you will be decried as a social outcast and wrested out of society like a leper.

Monthly Musings: April 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Whisper: April 2021

23/04/2021 @20:52
I remember when Whisper wasn't like a sordid, anonymous Tinder.

23/04/2021 @20:57
Powfu - Dead Eyes

Outright Rejection of the New Normal

To anybody who knows me, my outright rejection of the 'new normal' is common knowledge . I don't want it. I refuse to partake in it. I respectfully decline to have any involvement in propagating it for others. I aren't entertaining, nor normalising this absurdity.

Where do we even begin? What began as a 3 week lockdown in March 2020 to 'flatten the curve' and limit hospitalisations has evolved into an entirely new beast; a cure that is worse than the disease. As predicted. As foretold. As we were warned. The most frustrating thing is seeing how complicit and willfully ignorant the masses are being about this; so nonchalant about a total restructuring of their lives to revolve around continual testing, wearing masks and avoiding social interaction, mass vaccination and constant surveillance, restrictions, lockdowns, vaccine passports etc.

Monthly Musings: March 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Inevitable

Well. Fuck.

I was recently gifted a car by my very charitable sister, just a little 1.2 Ford Fiesta Finesse. She'd had it for two years and was upgrading to something newer, and figured since I'd never owned a car despite passing my test over a decade ago, she'd let me have it. It was appreciated. It was a chance for a fresh chapter, one where I had some freedom to visit friends, family and undertake day trips with my daughter.

As I said, I'd not owned a car in over a decade, so my driving ability had atrophied. Nevertheless, I figured I needed to just shrug off my doubts and nervousness, get in it and start driving. I was never going to improve unless I dared to drive it. Get some practice, some road experience and improve my driving ability; that was the plan. A £596 insurance policy later, and I was legally allowed to drive. That was March 10th.

A mere 5 days later on March 15th, I had my first crash. Well. It wasn't so much a crash, as a bump but nevertheless, it was an incident. Grateful that my policy only has a £45 excess so getting the minor damage repaired isn't a crippling my finances but still, thoroughly frustrated with myself.

Goals

It's time to find a new purpose. A new direction. A new goal. I have so much time, energy and potential. I am capable of anything that I commit too. A goal becomes reality only when we make a conscious decision to pursue it and earn it each day.

Nothing worth having comes easily. The accomplishment of success is earned in the mud; it's galvanised in the blood, sweat and tears you shed along the journey. This list is a culmination of many goals I am choosing to commit too. These cover various facets of my life, and each will require hardwork, sacrifice and dedication. Ultimately each will help me to grow as a person to be better in different ways.

Emotional: Gratitude & Compassion

I commit to becoming more aware and grateful for my blessings. I will find time to stop and appreciate the beauty in life, relationships and the world. I will make a concerted effort to avoid focusing on negativity and the things that I do not have, and instead develop healthy strategies for finding balance. I commit to being more compassionate, especially for those that I care about. I will consciously avoid being critical, judgmental or demeaning of their beliefs, goals or accomplishments.

• Meditation

Spiritual: Buddhism

I commit to learning about Buddhism with the intention of practicing.

• Practicing Buddhism

Mental: Cognitive Ability

I commit to continuing to read enthusiastically to improve brain connectivity, increase comprehension, prevent cognitive impairment, and become more learned.

• Daily Reading

Physical: Fitness

I commit to continuing my progress toward my physical fitness. I will actively take steps towards weight loss and muscle growth. I will have visible abs. I will be a fucking monster. I refuse to permit myself to return to my lethargic state of sloth.

• Fitbit
• 10k Daily Steps
• Cardio/Weights Routine

Passion: Authorship

I commit to finishing my novel, Lightfade. I will make time to write. I will dedicate myself to completing the first draft by the end of 2021. I promise myself that I will not allow my dream of being an author atrophy. I will be a published author.

• Daily Writing

Career: CompTIA

I commit to earning my CompTIA qualification. I will make time to study. I will devote myself to earning this qualification to better my career prospects, and my ability at my current job.

• Daily Study (95 Videos – 25 hours, 38 minutes)

Skill: Cooking

I commit to learning how to cook proper meals. I will strive to learn how to cook ten different dishes competently. I refuse to allow myself to continue using my circumstances as an excuse for my lifestyle. I will take ownership of my lack of culinary ability.

• Weekly Meal

In addition to this list, I have intentions to learn to play piano, learn Italian, and study Psychology and Philosophy but until I am able to assess time constraints, these are not immediate pursuits.

Monthly Musings: February 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

Negative Behavioural Patterns

People like to virtue signal, and have a laissez-faire courtship with male's mental health. Today I invite you to take a look at a real working example; myself.

Here is further clarity of where I'm at with my mental health for those of you who are interested. Some of you will likely recognise some/all of these things about me if you know me well enough.

This is a map of my self identified negative behaviour patterns, and how I reinforce, and succumb to additional feedback loops. The core issue aside from my irrational health anxiety is my abandonment issues and low self worth which are inherently linked.

I have a tendency to gravitate toward my negative traits and shame relating to my past (promiscuity/recreational drug abuse/debt/failing people I care about etc). I downplay my own value constantly and focus on what I don't have to offer, rather than what I do. This is coupled with a constant feeling that I am not "enough" and as a result, I believe that I am/always will be abandoned, overlooked or rejected.

As a result of this single deep rooted belief, a whole catalogue of negative behaviour patterns emerge that serve to reinforce and impact my life in many areas. This is what I am working through and why I am seeming erratic lately with my ramblings.

Schema Therapy

Growth is good for the soul. Self-actualisation is elusive to most, yet something I am dogmatically pursuing of late. Identifying my issues and traumas, how they manifest and present themselves as negative behaviour patterns, and seeking resolutions for combating them seems as virtuous endeavor. Lest I continue unabated upon this path of self sabotage and outright destruction.

Schema: Abandonment.

I have abandonment issues. No surprise there. I've read the clinical definition and I've investigated how this typically presents. I live in perpetual fear that the people I care about the most will abandon me; this is undeniable. This schema manifests as being needy and clingy in romantic relationships and being overtly servile in friendships.

Looking into my past, I can find many contributing factors, notably from my childhood. An exercise for identifying root causes noted that I should recall major life changing memories from my childhood; these, include: my Dad being an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable; my Mum and Dad subsequently divorcing; my Mum's partner Dawn moving into our home, and me feeling pushed out; my eldest sister Claire being kicked out and my other older sister Stacey being kicked out thereafter too. These experiences resonate with abandonment because familial bonds should be strongest. Seeing my parents able to sever ties with each other, and also some of my siblings traps me in a perpetual state of fear that I too could be cut off. In later life, this was reinforced by the breakdown of a relationship between my Mum and my brother Terry proving that even as adults, the threat remains tangible.

Schema: Mistrust & Abuse

I have trust issues. Another no brainer here. This presents as being deeply untrusting about the motivations of others, and questioning the legitimacy of their intentions with me. I often feel I am wide open to be abused, and subsequently discarded. This feeds back into Schema: Abandonment.

The root causes for this do not seem to stem from my childhood; the only example I can identify which would partially speak to this was being bullied throughout high school. A more logical explanation is my relationship with Kirsty throughout which infidelity was a theme. The relationship ended, and Kirsty rapidly initiated a romantic relationship with Adam who was supposed to be a mutual friend of ours. This again deepens the sense of betrayal I experienced, and reinforces my trust issues in both romantic partners and friends.

Schema: Vulnerability

My vulnerability issues have three core tenants, all of which have very traceable roots. My vulnerability issues are; hypochondria, fear of burglary, and fear for Ilysha. I live in constant fear that I have an undiagnosed illness, that my home will be broken into, and that something terrible will happen to Ilysha. Statistically I understand the likelihood of these occurring is minimal, yet I also remain acutely aware of the possibility due to past events in my life.

As a child, my girlfriend Steph suffered with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, a rare condition. I had multiple health scares relating to testicular cancer as a teenager, one of which led to an operation for Hydrocele Testis. A friend with the exact same birth date as myself, Emma, was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A female friend, Tammy, drowned after having an epileptic fit in her bath. My oldest sister Claire's husband Tim died of a stroke aged 34. My friend Luke's stepson Kayden was killed in a hit and run accident. All of these anecdotal stories feed into my pathological health anxiety and fear for the safety of my daughter Ilysha. I also fear being burgled due to my childhood home being burgled whilst we were on holiday as a child. My ex fiancee Kirsty's car was stolen. Additionally there was an attempted burglary at my last residence. These all legitimise my vulnerability issues relating to the three aforementioned tenants.

Schema: Emotional Deprivation

My emotional deprivation presents itself as being emotionally vacant and isolating myself as a defense mechanism. I do not consider this schema as being a major problem for my life.

Childhood roots for this schema include my Dad being an alcoholic, and having an emotionally absent Mum who preferred to send me and my siblings to play outside a lot, even sending me and Terry to our bedroom early at night from where we were not allowed to return downstairs. This cultivated a feeling of detachment and independence (hence I do not suffer from the Schema: Dependence). In later life, I also feel no romantic partner has even met my emotional needs. Moreover, I feel this Schema has manifested largely as a coping mechanism for Schema: Mistrust & Abuse.

Schema: Defectiveness

I suffer with defectiveness which presents as having a persistent feeling of low self worth, and devaluing my own positive qualities. I live in fear that if anybody saw my defects, they would abandon me. This again feeds back into Schema: Abandonment.

Explanations for this schema are rooted in childhood. Primarily I would trace these back to my Dad's alcoholism, and the subsequent belief that I was not enough to motivate him to quit. Other factors from childhood include my Mum and Dad divorcing, and feeling as if our family was too flawed to remain a whole. I also feel in constant competition with my brother Terry even as adults, which again indicates a deep rooted feeling of defectiveness, in which I need to prove myself constantly to feel worthy of love. Another huge contributor to my feeling of defectiveness is Kirsty cheating on me, after I had given all of myself to the relationship; the feeling that even the best that I had to offer was still insufficient. Further to this is the shame I feel about the amount of debt I incurred whilst abusing recreational drugs which is a further reason I feel my value as a person is diminished.

Schema: Subjugation

Subjugation for myself centres around my willingness to be servile, and to sacrifice my own wants and needs for others. I had considered this a strength of character until now when I realise how self-defeating this cycle is for my own happiness and fulfillment. My subjugation presents itself most viscerally as my agreeableness to do favours for friends and family, my servile nature to Ilysha (though again this also feeds into Schema: Abandonment), and my refusal to delegate even trivial tasks at work to my subordinates (this also feeds into Schema: Unreleting Standards).

The roots for my submissive nature can be traced back to childhood in the form of excessive or demeaning chores as a child, or caretaking in the absence of an alcoholic parent. I would sooner pin this as being a coping mechanism I have developed in response to Schema: Abandonment to keep people in my life.

Schema: Unrelenting Standards

This one is apparent for anyone who knows me to see. I suffer with perfectionism, OCPD, procrastination and control issues. I have an unhealthy obsession with documenting, and keeping structure and lists. I have a penchant for organisation and routine. I become irrationally anxious and stressed when my standards are not met. This also leads me to be unduly critical of others.

Childhood factors that can relate to this schema include competing for attention with my siblings (trying to stand out as the best child), and sharing a bedroom (OCPD). Again I'd sooner believe this is a direct results of another Schema: Defectiveness as I am so conscious of my feelings of inadequacy that I fixate on trivialities that I can micromanage and with presenting lofty ideals of being perfect as a projection of everything that I believe I am not; the compensation coping strategy.

Life Purpose Statement

Fulfillment

Degree
For three years I worked hard, I sacrificed a lot and I dedicated myself to earning my Bachelors Degree in Computer Games Design. I learned the value of commitment, persistence and hard work. I felt great pride and satisfaction when I completed the course with a 2.1 Honours because I knew I had earned it.

Birth
The birth of my daughter provided one of the biggest senses of fulfillment in my life, and she continues to provide this consistently. I learned a lot about sacrifice and selflessness. I felt overwhelming joy and paternal attachment that far exceeds any bond I ever thought possible; pure unconditional love.

Drugs
Overcoming my addiction to marijuana and cocaine. After years of battling with addiction, and constant relapses, I finally managed to persevere and succeed in my commitment to get sober. I feel immense pride and contentment knowing that I'd managed to beat a crippling disease that many others are not so fortunate to achieve.

Court
After an expensive and painful court battle over my daughter, I finally won and was able to partake entirely in her life. I learned a lot about despair, grief and loss during those months; I also learned a lot about perseverance, dedication and duty. I felt relief and joy when justice was served and I was awarded access.

Promotion
Being promoted at work to Manager after years as a Supervisor, and initially a Technician. During the preceding years I learned a lot about the value of teamwork, interpersonal bonds and workplace ethics. I grew professionally and widened my skill set considerably to justify the promotion. I felt appreciated, recognised and valued when I earned the promotion.

Debt
I accrued a lot of personal debts to the tune of £16,000, frivolously squandering it on recreational drugs. I was offered the opportunity to declare bankruptcy, and wipe the debts. Instead I chose to dutifully repay them. This experience taught me about humility and integrity. I have still got a couple of years left to go before these are paid off in total, but I feel pride and morally superior with each debt that I settle, knowing that I did not take the easy way out like most others do.

Novel
Completing the first draft of my novel Lightfade. Okay, so this one is admittedly a bit of a stretch, but I am almost there! Through writing my novel I have learned about focus, persistence and accepting criticism. I have learned that my ability is not infallible and that success requires sacrifice and hard work. I already feel pride for completing something that many others never will; authoring a book.

The Perfect World

In my idea of a perfect world. everybody would feel safe, loved, valued and secure. We would all have fulfillment, purpose and be content with our lives. We would all accept each other with compassion and understanding. We would be kind, generous and selfless toward each other.

In my bid to achieve this perfect world, I commit to becoming more attuned to the needs and values of others. I will make a concerted effort to be more empathetic, attentive, supportive and compassionate. I will overcome my critical nature and my tendency to belittle others. I will show gratitude and appreciation for what I have, rather than being shackled by expectations of what I want.

By embodying these characteristics I will help to deliver my perfect world into actualisation.

Life Purpose Statement

The purpose of my life is to selflessly foster a world where everybody feels content, loved and valued, using my empathy, love, support, and gratitude in order to provide a sense of appreciation, respect and unconditional acceptance for all.

I will embody my purpose by connecting positively and productively with others who require love and compassion. I will display my gratitude openly and honestly. I will be more accepting of differing opinions and perspectives.

The Void of Unfulfillment

A recurring theme in my own awareness is that of purpose, or more notably, the lack thereof. Lately I find myself becoming more consumed by nihilistic introspection; life is meaningless, a hollow husk of infinite potential that is not being realised. If life is a meal, then I need to find some sustenance to accompany the dessert.

I feel like I am sat staring at a blank canvas with no idea how to populate it. I know that I want it to be filled with beauty, magnificence and purpose; I want it to be a masterpiece - but how? The blank canvas is my life, and I desperately need something to fill it with.

Life is just so empty and unfulfilling, and not in a depressive way - simply in the sense of feeling directionless. This doesn't even relate to the current Lockdown; it has been this way for quite some time. Of course holidays, day trips, social gatherings and family events will help to quell the sense of being rudderless once they can resume. My friends and family, notably my children, help to give my life a modicum of purpose. But between these fleeting moments of fun and distraction, my purpose here remains elusive. My children are growing into young adults who are not so dependent on me anymore. My family have their own lives to keep them preoccupied. My friends are in various stages of their own evolution's, and our interactions are usually passionate but brief in duration. 

I recently entertained the idea of a romantic relationship, but looking back now, I can see it was just another project I was trying to use to fill the Void in my life. A distraction, albeit an attractive one. I find broken people alluring; I can dedicate my time and energy to feeling like I am making a difference. It's the "fixer" mentality that I have acquired over time. I believe naively that I can find purpose for myself, by adding value to other peoples lives. I can distract myself with helping them to fight their battles, and in doing so, I give myself a sense of usefulness. A purpose, however fleeting. But when it all comes crashing down, the Void remains waiting to consume me. In my desperation to escape the Void, I grasp tightly to fragments of memories of the times when I was distracted, and as the broken shards inevitably make my hands begin to bleed I reluctantly let go. I never believed that long term relationships help to keep us away from the Void. The escapism I utilise myself is also echoed in the actions of most people I see in relationships too.

I game to distract myself. I watch TV and listen to music. I read books. I work out. I work on my novel, and I make music. Yet beyond these temporary, disposable activities, I yearn for more. These circuses do not fulfill me. They do not sate my thirst for life. I look around at everyone else, blissfully existing, happily obsessing over their gym routines, the sports they enjoy watching or an array of hobbies that keep them distracted from golf, to fishing, to crafts; and I just cannot relate to it. How many people these days spend hours just scrolling on social media, IG feeds, watching endless Tik Toks and YouTube videos? Playing repetitive mind numbing mobile games that add no real value to the world? It all seems so shallow. So passive. It's not engaging enough. I used to turn to drugs and alcohol to address the Void. I'd sedate myself into oblivion trying to evade it's crushing weight. But as with all forms of escapism, sooner or later, you have to return to reality. And when you do, the Void is still waiting.

Wealth has never been attractive to me; I never viewed chasing money as a worthwhile pursuit. I have a comfortable life; I don't really want for anything. Sure, I could buy a bigger house; but why? I don't need one. I could get a car? Never needed one though, and don't really need one now. How about buy some new clothes, get some tattoos, reinvent myself, buy the latest gadgets and gizmos... it wouldn't provide the long lasting fulfillment I am seeking. I typically spend my money excessively on my daughter and unintentionally feed her narcissism and spoiled sense of entitlement. I live pretty frugally myself. I aren't superficial. I aren't materialistic. I aren't interested in keeping up with the Jones' or performing in the digital pageantry of vanity. I aren't motivated by money or possessions. I need more. Always more. I need something that satisfies me on an emotional level; a spiritual level even.

And this is where I am today. Sitting in front of the blank canvas once again, unsure which medium to use, or where to begin. The Void is towering over me, it's swirling emptiness ready to consume me, and I know that I'll either regress to the distractions once more, or finally figure this out.

Please for my sanity, let me begin my masterpiece this time.

Lockdown and Mental Health

Let me just preface this piece with acknowledgement that every death is a tragedy, and I am not advocating for the complete disregard of all control measures introduced over the past 12 months. That being said however, there is a big difference between existing and living. And at some point, we all must be allowed to return to living our lives.

There is something inherently primal about humanities need for social connection; this includes communication, conversation, and physical touch. We need these channels to regulate our hormones and emotions; there is a reason for the correlation between loneliness and deaths of despair. There is a reason that mental health issues largely flourish when humans are kept apart. Depression, anxiety, stress... these conditions fester when we are unable to share our problems with others, and instead are left to overthink, dwell and reinforce our opinions without having them challenged. In those times of despair, without a channel for release, people will typically turn to alcohol and recreational drugs to help them cope with the overwhelming emotion, stress and/or grief they are experiencing. I've been there. I know.

I've always been an over thinker; it's both a gift and a curse. I read between the lines. I subconsciously analyse vocabulary choice and tone in conversation. I instinctively pick up on behavioural changes and deviations from patterns. I notice insignificant things, then become obsessed with what it implies, sometimes reading deeply into coincidence as intention. Being isolated in a global lockdown magnifies this tenfold as most communication is now non-verbal where intent being lost in translation is commonplace, and conveyance of emotion for most is evasive. An innocuous message can trigger an unintended misinterpretation that results in a downward spiral of confusion, hurt and frustration. The absence of a response can trigger the same, especially in an increasingly isolated world. We all need someone else to help regulate our emotions and concerns; a pandemic doesn't change this. Nothing will. It's human nature.

Most of us are struggling with life at present in one way or another, and that is okay. It is okay to not be okay. For now, existing is acceptable; just getting through the days is an achievement. We must however, get back to living our lives as soon as possible.

Healthy coping mechanisms and processes range from discussing your worries and problems with your partner, to having a rant with your mates down the pub, or even just letting off steam and disconnecting from reality for a while away from routine. Currently most of the typical methods that people use for coping are not allowed, and those that are will be fraught with compounded stress and frustrations as we are all a big melting pot of mental health issues right now.

I actively avoid all news relating to the pandemic nowadays; I find it too emotionally draining. The statistical overload of deaths, cases, hospitalisations, vaccinations, R-numbers... all the data in the world will not change my desire to return to normal. It may sound irrational, it may be concerning, but I've overthought about it all - every last detail - and I still just want to be allowed my autonomy. I still just want to return to normal.

I want to be allowed to live again.

And that is just human nature.

Emo x

I feel so lost angel. It's actually painful.

I've wrote out so many messages and deleted them. Started writing songs and then closed it down because it was too upsetting. I've thought about messaging your brother and telling him, but then I don't want him to try to convince you to change your mind. I've gone to post statuses, songs or stories, and stopped myself because it's not fair to you.

We've gone from speaking for hours every day; video calls each night, seeing your face, your pretty smile, hearing your voice... to silence, overnight. And I hate it. I miss seeing your raised eyebrow, and that the cute way you scrunch your face up. I miss hearing you laugh. I miss how close I felt to you. How comfortable we were with each other; the feeling of companionship, of connection. I miss hearing about your day, about all the silly little things, even your eyelashes falling off. I miss telling you off for drinking Monster. I miss teasing you about Martha. I miss 'us'. I let my guard down with you, and perhaps I shouldn't have because now I'm actually feeling so hollow, empty and rejected.

You gave me a little taste of what we could be, a little glimpse into a future with a beautiful girl that I could share experiences and my life with. And then you closed the door, and left me outside of it. Spending Valentine's with you was so nice; just having you there beside me, cuddling you on the sofa watching Netflix, experiencing each other intimately, and then waking up next to you, even with my dead arm.

It sounds so dumb but I miss the thought of Leighton popping up on the camera to say hi when we're chatting, I hate the thought of never seeing you again, of you just closing me out now and withdrawing from me. But I get it. I truly do. I will never say this to you, because that isn't who I am. I'll sooner let you disappear than guilt or pressure you into staying for my benefit. This isn't as simple as me just letting you go, and moving on, because I don't let people inside my world often, and the occasional times that I do, I'm left feeling like this; broken and lost.

You were the first girl I'd ever felt comfortable to even mention to Ily; and she accepted you. She was open to us being more, and now I get to tell her it's faded out. It's going nowhere. Every time I load any app, I find myself reading back through our messages. Or I find myself on your profile looking at your photos. Every time I load up a playlist, I hear songs that remind me of you. I look on Netflix and see shows that remind me of you. Even playing PlayStation it seems so quiet not speaking to you whilst I'm gaming. I'm a mess.

I keep telling you that I'm okay with this, because I don't want to complicate your life; if it's not what you want, then there's nothing I can do to change that. I just have to accept it for what it is. Even if it hurts. And believe me, it really does.

I miss you my sexy little emo.

Your favourite fuckboy x

Monthly Musings: January 2021

An overview of opinions and observations for the month.

GME WSB DFV 💎🙌🦍🚀

What a time to be alive. What a difference a week makes. My last post spoke about how depressingly mundane life has been under lockdown. Then GME happened.

Reddit shitposter autists united to take on Hedge Fund billionaires in all out war over short stocks of GameStop. A week ago I knew nothing about trading or investing. Now I'm engrossed. It's much more entertaining watching GME stock price graphs than Covid infection graphs.

The long and short of it is this. A hedge fund called Melvin Capital bet against GameStop. They borrowed shares they didn't own, sold them to retail traders (every day folk) with the intention of buying them back for cheaper when their value fell lower. Then they could return them to the lender, and net a nice bit of profit from the difference. But wait. What if the retail traders refused to sell them back?

Well, ponder no longer. We are seeing it unfold right in front of our eyes. The retail traders liaised on Reddit and Discord, and decided to "stick it to the man" by holding onto the shares. This leaves Melvin Capital in deep shit when the time comes to return the borrowed shares... because they don't have them. As demand rises for the shares, the value increases making it even more painful for Melvin to buy them back. Currently the number floating around is that it's costing Mevlin around $19,000,000,000, and making them insolvent. This news inspires the retail traders to hold even tighter, despite the astronomical increase in the value of their shares which would motivate people with "paper hands" to sell whilst they can to make a fast buck. It seems a large proportion of the traders have "diamond hands" which means they're riding the meme stock to it's conclusion. Many of them are accepting they're going to take personal losses, but they consider it worthwhile if they bleed out a few hedge fund billionaires along the way.

What is more interesting is that trading apps such as Robinhood (RH) started to prevent the purchase of GME stock through it's platform. This rallied the retail traders even harder with accusations that RH was enacting market manipulation to intentionally prevent them from continuing their mission to bleed out the rich. The allegation continues that RH was allowing hedge funds to trade, but limited retail traders to only being able to sell GME so that the hedge funds could recuperate some of their missing shares leading to many funny memes, along with much justified anger. Even politicians got involved in the judgement.

To put the level of leverage into perspective, Reddit user DeepFuckingValue is making an absolute killing from the shares on paper.

It's interesting watching this shitshow unfold, and I even tried to get in on the action myself however FreeTrade failed to verify my identity (because I make myself difficult to find) meaning my account is stuck in limbo, possibly until this is all concluded.

So I will sit at the sideline, and watch for the short squeeze, hoping to see many of the /WallStreetBets guys fly their rockets into the sun for the tendies. Hold boys with those diamond hands, apes stronk together.

Because you know as well as I do; we like this stock.

Carpe Next Year... Maybe?

What is there to say so far for 2021? Not much to be fair. January is almost over already and nothing has happened.

Lockdown continues to keep us all handcuffed and chained to a proverbial radiator. The global vaccine efforts have ramped up significantly, but the advice is that there is no evidence it reduces hospitalisations, deaths or forward transmission, so I remain bewildered about what the point of it even is? Cases have been falling for three weeks and deaths are just now leveling off. I cannot stand much more of this stop/go, open/close shithousery. I want to live my life, not merely "exist".

Given that the risk of this virus is so negligible for my age bracket, I'm unlikely to bother being vaccinated either since there have been no long term studies into the potential side effects (how could there be when the vaccine was produced within 10 months?). The idea of having experimental mRNA injected into me (the first such type of vaccine) in response to a virus that has a high survival rate seems absurd. Most people I know are like lemmings off a cliff, naively believing that if they just "take their damn medicine", they can have their lives back. It's pitiful; life as we know it will never return because the power creep is already apparent. Increased surveillance and removal of our civil liberties, enforced by a mob handed police force.

2021 already looks bleak. I'm admittedly becoming so numb to it all; completely desensitised to the fear porn statistics and the reality that all my plans for the future are on indefinite pause whilst the economy collapses around me. Is this what being on anti-depressants feels like? Just complete neutral. No joy. No misery. Just a perpetual state of "okay". Bland. Mundane. Emotionless. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to be optimistic about. Go to work and go to sleep. Repeat. Ad infinitum.

I remember when people used to say "Carpe Diem". These days, "seizing the day" is a distant memory. Instead it has become "Carpe Next Year... Maybe?"

2021 a.k.a. 2020 v.2.0

What better way to kick off the year than by reliving the highlights of 2020 with another strict, handcuffing of liberties under the new buzzword "Lockdown".

Within just a few short days, after everyone had breathed a sigh of relief at seeing the back of what will be remembered as The Worst Year Of Our Lives, the UK Government are right back on the horse, hammering down morale with ham-fisted sledgehammer policies as they plunge the entire country back into lockdown. I pray to our Covid overlords that this doesn't become Groundhog Year.

The new "mutant strain" of Covid-19 has allegedly been running rampant over UK, despite the existing Tiered restrictions, and the associated regulations that accompany it. The latest iteration of lockdown resembles the original one from back at the outset of this debacle; namely you must STAY AT HOME unless it's unavoidable. You can exercise outside once per day, alone. You can go to the shop for essential rations. You can go out to collect medication. And you can still go to work assuming you are lucky enough to still have a job and are considered a keyworker. Otherwise, sit at home losing money, precious days of life, and your sanity until the Government decide otherwise. And as it stands, there is no end date. It's just left open ended, at their mercy.

Education is back in suspended animation with substandard teaching returning in an online format, tutored by beleaguered parents who are not trained teachers. If teaching kids is that simple that it can be offloaded onto parents effortlessly, why do teachers even need to get qualifications for it, and why is it illegal to keep your child off school without good reason? Another round of examinations have been cancelled, and another term of University education disrupted (though the students must still pay for it). Again, with the way the country is headed, there wouldn't be any jobs recruiting anyhow.

Economically the country continues it's swan dive at breakneck speed. Rishi Sunak has announced another raft of concessions and support for flailing businesses and employees in the form of grants and furlough. Any of the population who are still awake are again questioning where all this funding is magically being conjured from (heads up, it's being written on IOU's that our taxes will be paying back in the coming years). Economic forecasts are predicting the deficit for this financial year could hit £450bn. To quantify that for you, it's: 450,000,000,000.00 which is roughly £6,700 per person in the UK. Oh well, those lot in their ivory tower don't care, because it won't be them paying it back.

We are told that once the miraculous vaccine has been administered we can be "released from prison"  no sorry "allowed to resume life"  actually no not even that - we'll be permitted to enjoy some of our previously taken for granted behaviours. Not all of them though. They're saying we may need to have Lockdowns every year, forever. F O R E V E R.

And as for the magical vaccine? Pfizer & BNT must think their Christmases have all come at once, along with AstraZeneca; as it stands currently they have been absolved of all liability, allowed to rush the vaccine through without any long term studies into adverse events, and have not even completed full term trials yet - and here we are, injecting these chemical compounds into the elderly and vulnerable. What a time to be alive. Well. If this counts as life at least.

I am so fatigued with Covid, but I guess as James Buckley summed it up best;

"I'd rather be sick of Covid, than sick with Covid."

I have added a lockdown-sceptic themed design (at the top of this post) to my newly launched Redbubble shop that is available on a wide range of products. Feel free to pop over and check it out - any purchases would help greatly!

https://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/67057372